Today is the last day of Movember and how appropriate and awful that I suffered one of my darkest days in a long while. This is the thing with depression, you can be going along nicely then all of a sudden you have a night with little sleep for no reason and the following day you can’t, and I mean can’t, even get out of bed. You just want to hide from the world and wish everyone would leave you alone. You can from my lack of posts today that I just wasn’t there. I love blogging but I just couldn’t bring myself to even write one word. I’m not going to post a photo of the last day of my mo, I look and feel terrible.
And so on the last day of Movember I pretty much did nothing at all, just lay on my bed and stared. I hardly slept at all last night and I hardly slept today. Just a kind of catatonic, do nothing stasis which saps the energy from you like a black hole. The tightness in the chest, the tense muscles, the aching arm from the tense-ness, they must all be a figment of my imagination according to the insurance company. The shortness of breathe from a very fit person, the hyper-vigilance in large crowds, all imaginery. The utter exhaustion from a simple trip to a shopping mall is imagined too. That is just some of the things that I feel.
This ain’t fun and the c*nts from the left who keep posting comments about it really fuck me off. I’m telling you that no-one chooses this ife and it isn’t just a case of taking your harden the fuck up pills either. If it was I’d be fine.
There aren’t that many people out there tougher than me, either in their beliefs, standing up for what they believe in or even physically. I don’t give in and never shy from a fight but this fight of mine for the past 5 years has been the toughest fight of my life. That is why it irks me that I have to sue an insurance company, that I have to prove what my closest of friends already know, what my doctors and support people know.
But they have to know that I don’t give in and that I have barely started to fight back, but fight back I will. People tell me I am mad to share things like this but the one thing I have never done is hide anything, I have never shirked from sharing so that others may know. There are no skeletons.
Thank you to those few who support me through this, you know who you are, and thanks to those who have donated to Movember.
To sponsor my Mo, you can either:
• Click this link http://nz.movember.com/mospace/17568/ and donate online using your credit card
• Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember’, referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember, PO Box 12 708, Wellington 6144
Remember, all donations over $5 are tax deductible.