The Secret Diary Of Trevor Mallard – August 1st to 7th

After Trevor Mallard’s weak effort to parody the popular and competent Texts from New York, a reader from the tipline thought they would teach Mallard how to really parody another author’s work.

So without further introduction and slight apologies to the usually brilliant Steve Braunias, here we have:

Secret Diary of Trevor Mallard aged 57 and a quarterThe Secret Diary Of Trevor Mallard – August 1st to 7th

Monday:
Woke up 0500 for cycle. Warmed leg up with wee sideways slip in shower. Must put in ACC claim for a shower mat.  Good system that ACC, must write about it for Red Alert at some stage. Cycle went well, drafted behind a few Labour Stop signs.  Waved to a few constituents in Wainui wearing their ugg boots and polar fleeces, they like to see me out and about again.   Fat fucks should be out cycling with me.

Polling says I need to soften image.  Have FB messaged that Notting Hill is my favourite movie.  FB working a treat, women are going NUTS over it. Deborah Hill Cone has picked it up nicely  #winning.  Even that mounted old hag Coddington is softening.  I can tell.  Not too much though, am not in a fit state to run across the grounds of Parliament yet.

Tuesday:
Woke 0600, never needed much sleep.  Which is just as well as getting slower keeping up with these young ones like Hipkins.  Little ginga shit, who does he think he is wanting my Sports and Recreation portfolio?  Especially with all my free tuition.

Still fielding texts and emails re Notting Hill.  Secretaries in Parliament all love it.  Plenty are asking how my leg is.  The older ones I give an extra hobble in front of.  Mum says it works a treat.

Stu Nash called Key a prick on Twitter.  What on earth was he thinking? That’s my job.  Will have words.  He hasn’t followed through like I do though.  Soft cock.

#goffchat all going well. Phil even backed me in the cycle race.  Feeling confident now.  Always good to have support of caucus.

Even better news, Andrew Williams has announced he is standing for NZ First, that will keep Whaleoil well occupied going into the campaign, giving me a free run on the social media.

Saw neighbours kids bikes in my driveway at 2200 tonight, carefully bent over on my left side and let all the tyres down and placed them gently on their side of the fence.

Wednesday:
Big day today so up at 0400.  Did some paperwork I missed yesterday while focused on social media.  Is it just me or does anyone actually understand Raymond Huo’s posts on Red Alert?  Must change his log-in to visitor and edit his nonsense.

Quick ride, but Whaleoil is into Goff presently so I am assuming he isn’t training as hard as me.  My weight is now down as much as it has been since the accident.  Eating 1200 calories a day.  Neighbours kids keep asking me if I would like a turn on their slide.

I was into my 12th kilometer on wind bike when NACT mount siege on our filibuster. Grant unable to cope despite years of expert tuition from myself.  Hard to find good staff these days since Darren departed after unfortunate incident on swiss ball.  If he had taken up cycling as I advised him to iron out his sexual tension he wouldn’t have got into that situation.

Pretty happy with John Morrissey’s video for RWC that has Wainui as a must-see destination. Need to see if I can get in the 2nd cut of the video.  Will organize some funding for him.

Lockwood called my interjections inept today.  Silly old coot.  Can’t take Lockwood seriously since he was pictured in lifesaving speedos.

Bluff oysters arrived, downed a few.  Will scoff the rest for a midnight snack when I am up doing Red Alert posts. I see bloody Curran has put up a cheese roll post.  Must change her log-in when she’s not looking, she is becoming a pain in the arse.

Thursday:
Whaleoil is now officially doing over Goff.  May help but really can’t be bothered.  Nice that he is Goff’s problem for a few days so I can mentally concentrate on bike race.  Cycling the best I have been since accident.  Neighbours kids can’t beat me out of the driveway, flat tyres hehe.  Mallard 1 Snotty Kids 0.
Stuff happened in Parliament today but I was zoned out focusing on the bike race. Can’t remember.

Friday:
Can’t remember when I got up this morning.  Irrelevant anyway. Fucking diary.  Why am I keeping it anyway?
Bugger, Paul Quinn has leaked picture of me on canvas to Whaleoil.  It was all staged of course but explaining is losing. Whaleoil #1 rule of politics.  Divert by FB messaging about a computer driven death from sitting in one place too long.  Hope Parekura reads it, he’s getting too wide to sit next to me on front bench and I had to request a seat change.

Stuck in meetings all day.  Barely kept interest.  Checked twitter on i-pad a few times and got told off.  So got i-phone out and drafted another Red Alert post. It is easier to hide the i-phone over pages of documents.

Saturday:
Woke at 0430 nervous.  Big game today.  Went to check the cycle course.  Slightly uncomfortable moment when I saw a large creeping object in the distance, the blubbery one.  Hope he didn’t see me.    I don’t think he did.  I was drafting behind Give Way signs.

Going to rugby, nervous all day about how AB’s will go.  Been talking Powza up all week so hope he has a blinder.  Shame that Cory is not even on the bench but will be great to see Nonu and Smith in centres again.  Must show Henry what I can do with a Heineken bottle if he doesn’t pick him. Don’t get the Sonny Bill hype.

Also nervous about seeing McCully.  Fucking hate him.  Have to be nice in public but wtf does he know about rugby?  It’s appalling he gets the gig for RWC. I did more than anyone to get the RWC here.

Got to rugby and loved it.  All the ‘Canes players had blinders.  Happiest day for a while.  Even if it was ruined by seeing McCully and that smarmy prick Farrar.  How the hell did he get in?  Will touch him up on Twitter later.

Sunday:
Slept in til 0700. Sent a text from JK on my “tipline”.  Is funny, I will sort out that Whaleoil and post it tomorrow.  Didn’t win Moana’s “Tweet of the Week” today on Red Alert, must pull some one-liners out for next week.  Clare whinging about comments.  Don’t know why, I just ban people I don’t like.

  • Steve

    Trev is frothing at the mouth now, which is good. Concentration has gone

  • http://www.cadlow.co.nz spanishbride

    Brilliant! Particularly loved the letting down of the kids tires.

  • Phantom

    Sure Braunias isn’t on the tipine?

  • kevin

    oarsome format… and content.

  • thor42

    Very good!

  • Stamper

    You ARE the Champion – keep it up mate; the “Ducked” is twisting in the wind;
    loving it!

  • Crusader Col

    This is the best satirical blog comment I have seen for … actually for ever!

    Keep it up!

  • Duck Shot

    Duck can’t come back from that. Brilliant. You can hear the lisp splattering out of his beak as you read it.

  • jabba

    that was pretty good

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