Welcome to our first submission of Open Mic. Â I would like the readers to just go easy on these submitted posts for a while. Â This isn’t like the substitute teacher coming in and seeing what you can do sabotage his/her day. Â The Open Mic idea isn’t going to work if all we do is kill the author’s spirit for even giving it a go. Â And for every Open Mic post, that’s one slot less for Cam to go on about Marriage Equality or Paedo Priests – amirite? Â So here goes. Â Be on your best behaviour until we all get the feel of this. Â Thanks.
News outlets around the world, online and on paper have been fascinated in the last couple of days by the seemingly bitchy comments of a celebrated author about Kate Middleton and her body being simply a vessel for continuation of the British Chinless bludger movement. Sheâ€™s probably quite right. Â
Hilary Mantel is a Booker winning and much acclaimed author, clearly well off and with as much arse-kissing praise as any reasonable person could ask for. She is universally regarded as an expert on a range of topics, including the British aristocracy. Her novels are superb reading.
She delivered a lecture on Tuesday claiming, among other things, that Kate Middleton has a plastic smile and is simply a creation of the media and a worthless vehicle to bear an heir for the increasingly irrelevant English Royal Family.
She went to some lengths to couch this as some kind of historical lecture with a modern example. Anyone who has studied English history knows women have been used for a variety of pragmatic purposes by successive generations of Royal men and, by and large, the punters and paupers have tolerated this because A) many of the women concerned were schemers for their own devious ends and B) Royals have an assumed right to treat ordinary folk as they please.
Now all of this may be true but it canâ€™t hide an obvious truth. Hilary Mantel is extremely ugly. Not just plain, or slightly pudgy, or Reubensesque, or a bit geeky or looking like a librarian. Sheâ€™s really bloody ugly. Yellow teeth, a ferret like grin, Gallic honker, fat arse. An utterly charmless face. Sheâ€™s scathing of the whole royal idea, so we canâ€™t possibly assume sheâ€™s envious of Kateâ€™s money or her balding beau or her prominent fertility or her flash house or exotic vacations. I wouldnâ€™t mind betting Hilary is jealous because, despite having her own fortune and the international literary community thinking (and saying) sheâ€™s brilliant and her being invited to podia to spout her educated opinions and publishers lining up to profit from her lucid prose, she knows sheâ€™s still really, really ugly. Gay or straight wouldnâ€™t matter.
This blog (it seems) is read mostly by blokes. One look at a picture of video of this woman will immediately verify my argument. Not one of us knows Kate from a bar of soap, but still, Kate is attractive, shaggable, warm, kind and approachable. None of us knows Hilary either, but Hilary (whichever picture you look at) is the opposite. She will have been aware of this from her teenage years, if not earlier. All the literary credibility and credit for deep intelligence in the world wonâ€™t compensate for the fact that she knows sheâ€™s truly fucking ugly. Thus universal fawning by tabloid newspapers over the heir apparentâ€™s missus is something she finds deeply annoying and so tries to use her well earned pulpit to crush. In vain.
There… a misogynist, troglodyte raving Christianâ€™s assessment of popular current affairs. At â€˜7 Sharpâ€™ depth.