Why cows attack, a new insight

I have frequently posted on the growing menace of cow attacks.   Discovery Channel wimps out on the statistics here, doggedly continuing with Shark Week when it is a proven fact that cows are far more dangerous and Cow Week would provide a far more realistic anthology of terror.

This week, their allied channel Animal Planet maintains the fiction, with Monster Week featuring rarities like crocodile attacks, and nary a mention of Killer Cows. Despite another serious Cow attack in Britain.

A man has been hospitalised after being trampled by a herd of cows while he was out walking his dog in the countryside.

Emergency services were called to a field in St Neots, Cambridgeshire last night and rushed the man to hospital.

The patient, said to be in his 60s, was badly injured in the accident and required specialist treatment at Addenbrooke’s Hospital in Cambridge.

My own theory is that cows attack because they are increasingly pissed off with being pushed around by smaller humans, and having their milk stolen.

But the authoritative source Wisegeek.com has now revealed a solid motivation for the bovine bash-artists Рit is just their reasonable retaliation for Cow-Tipping assaults. 

The site describes Cow Tipping, apparently a popular US pastime:

“Cow tipping is a legendary rural activity in which people attempt to knock a sleeping cow over.”

“According to the legend, cows sleep standing up, making it possible to sneak up on a cow and push it over. While cows are capable of sleeping in a standing position, and some do, they are extremely difficult to sneak up on. Like other ungulates, cattle have evolved very keen senses to be prepared for potential attacks from predators. The approach alone would be enough to wake the cow up, and the pressure on the cow’s side in an attempt to tip the animal would most certainly alert the cow to the shenanigans.”

They add warnings, and a few tips on how to do it:

“There’s also a simple matter of physics. Cows have a very low center of gravity, which means that tremendous force is needed to topple a standing cow. Especially if the cow were to wake up during the process, the situation could get ugly, since most cows do not appreciate being harassed.”

“In order for cow tipping to work, one would have to find a cow sleeping in a standing position, and at least two very strong and heavy people would be required.

“Periodically, people do attempt to go cow tipping, and they are often injured. The injury rate is likely unusually high because many cow tipping expeditions are proposed while people are under the influence of alcohol, so their judgment and reaction times are impaired.”

I find myself on the side of the cows here. ¬†If somebody tried to tip me over while I was asleep they’d get a good thumping too.

  • sandynobb

    My theory is that cows attack in the belief that mankind is responsible for cattle mutilation by aliens. But, given new evidence that man really is from Mars, the cows could well be right.

  • Jimmie

    Cows don’t attack any humans – just mostly townies with as much animal sense as a log of wood.

    Read the story – man walks dog unauthorized through farmer’s field where cows and calves are.

    Cow mums attack dog (in the wild a predator after their calves) – whimpy dog runs behind human to hide – cows trample on dumb human trying to get to the dog.

    I would say that comparing cows to sharks is apples and bananas.

    If you had millions of acres of shark fishing ponds and silly humans went swimming in those ponds while there are plenty of sharks swimming around then the likelihood that shark attacks would increase.

    But if townies stayed in town they would never get hurt from a cow.

    As for cow tipping – most cows I’ve ever seen at night like to lie down and tuck their head beside their shoulder to have a snooze – or sometimes with their head facing forwards.

  • thor42

    Speaking of cows – this is for cows4me….. ;)

    • GregM

      That’s a definite keeper. I’m going to put the sound through my bass amp later tonight, that should fuck the whole apartments right up. :-)

    • cows4me

      They are only mooing because they’ve got fuck all to eat, look at the pasture, crap. As for cows sleeping while standing. I had one last year standing at the end of the pit, eyes shut head down. Two bulling cows ran her up the arse and she fell into the pit, I don’t know who got the bigger fright, her or my wife. Luckily she didn’t land on the boss, the boss is fairly short now, she would have been a bit shorter if the cow had landed on her head. Anyhow cows generally sleep sitting down like Jimmie said, I’ve had some so sound asleep you have say hello to wake them up. And yeah cows will attack but generally they are only protecting the calf or they are suffering from grass staggers. We had an old girl the other day that was very aggro when we tried to put her calf into the trailer, so while she was chasing the boss around the trailer I picked the calf up and threw it in the back. The wife is faster, I’m stronger and the cow was dumber.

      • GregM

        Having to say hello to a cow to wake her up… that’s hilarious mate. :-)
        What breed are those light coloured hairy looking beasts ?

  • opusx

    LOL, reminds me of Mater and Lightning Mcqueen tractor tipping in Pixar’s ‘Cars’.

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