Cunliffe’s Christmas Message?

David-Cunliffe-fishingFound by the Reader from Runanga while enjoying the Christmas smorgasbord at the Union Hotel.

It could be David Cunliffe’s real Christmas message…then again it might not be.

“It’s traditional at Christmas for great leaders like the Queen to make a speech, so I thought it would be appropriate for me to address the nation.

Christmas is a time for family. I think especially about hardworking middle-income New Zealand families who have spent the year doing it tough under John Key and his crony capitalist mates, only letting them have 3.6% growth this year.

I think also about some of my family, as I look to them for inspiration. I think of my great-great-great-uncle-in-law twice removed, Moses Cunliffe. He, like me, was destined for leadership from the start, even if those around him didn’t realise it. But also like me, he was eventually chosen by a higher power to lead his people out of the wilderness. I think it’s important that New Zealand families shouldn’t have to miss out on this sort of experience, which is why a Labour-led government would extend passport renewals to forty years. It’s these sorts of policy ideas, focusing on the really important issues, you can expect more of from a Labour party on a war footing. 

This year I have had one goal – always to do what is right (allowing for the situation and prevailing economic conditions). At first it was right for me to give David Shearer my unequivocal support as party leader. But then the poll results showed it was right for me to assume the leadership, and send Shearer to the political glue factory. That didn’t turn out quite like I’d expected – instead he seems to have a sort of political glue that keeps him in Parliament – must have got it from Trevor or Phil.

I’ll tell you about one day that shows just how my my principle of doing right guides me. I’d flown back from Wellington, having had a hard week sticking up for ordinary, hard-working New Zealanders by ensuring any investments they made in privatised assets would be worth far less and using millions of taxpayer dollars collecting contact details for the Greens. Clint told me it was the right thing to do.

Karen said she couldn’t pick me up from the airport because Oceana Gold was shouting her work a keg for fixing a resource consent, so I had to get a taxi.  The first driver obviously recognised me from my leadership campaign to help taxi drivers because he greeted me with a cheery wave.  However, he appeared to be missing three fingers – probably the result of a workplace accident made possible only by National’s sloppy workplace safety enforcement.  I made a point to remember to question John Key about whether he would be paying compensation to this poor man. That would be the right thing to do.

So I asked this driver for a ride to Herne Bay.
“That’ll be two hundred bucks, mate.”
I thought to myself that’s a bit steep, and asked him if he was sure.  After all, the hardworking Kiwi taxpayer would be footing the bill for this, and I wouldn’t want to spoil Labour’s record of successful money management.
“Yeah, it’s still two hundred bucks.  Come on, mate, I’ve got a family of six to feed.”
He did appear rather young for such a large family, being only five feet tall and rather pimply.  By this point another driver had come up to me and was shouting that he would take me for only $50.  The poor man was obviously quite mad – no sane person could make such an offer – with a charge that low how could he possibly support his partner working 20 hours a week and 3 children, which all Kiwi families have?  I couldn’t take the risk that those children would go hungry.  I hopped in to the first taxi, happy in the knowledge that the taxpayer’s $200 was supporting a living wage.  It was the right thing to do.

In the taxi I checked my phone – I often receive messages from my fellow caucus colleagues who are so pleased with how well I have performed in the House they tell me to go take Friday off – what else could all those messages saying GTFO mean?  For some reason they always say add C U Next Tuesday as well. Today I had plenty of those, but also something different – a poor Nigerian man who, through no fault of his own, needed some money to help him receive his inheritance, which he needed to help support his starving family.  I had no hesitation in sending him the $5000 he was asking for – after all, it was the morally right thing to do.

Next year promises to be very interesting. I’m interested to see how many electoral laws can be broken before anyone actually gets prosecuted.

But for now, have a safe and enjoyable Kirihimete, Christmas, Hannukah, or other secular holiday celebratory period. I’ve just given you all a gift – being able to hear me for five minutes. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy listening to the sound of my voice as much as I do.”

  • AnonWgtn

    Velly Good

  • Tom

    I want some of what ever hes been taking. Must be good shit.

  • rrroberto

    No, its a fake message, hard to spot, but an important give-away clue. The real DC would have also used the Taxpayer dollar to help out the poor Nigerian man. As well as that there are not enough quota ‘s in the Holiday greetings, a large number of Labour Party voters will be offended that their deity or minority cause was not specifically mentioned. This is probably a fake message put out by John’s Keys agents, rattled by the surge in popularity of DC as shown by many of the recent polls.

    • Other_Andy

      And Christmas was mentioned.
      You can call it anything you like but not Christmas.

      • rrroberto

        That’s right, and of course its a fake, otherwise he would have wished himself Happy Birthday for yesterday 25th December

  • Tom

    Edit

  • cows4me

    So old Moses Cunny lead the people from the wilderness, young David Cunny will have no problem leading them back in.

    • Adam Michaels

      A messiah has arrived!

      • Col

        Where where where where

        • Adam Michaels

          Oh ye of little faith!
          But first, before I show you where, I must ask you this: do you believe in Santa Claus?

          • Col

            Yes, because I got no presents this year, and I knew I was naughty, so there must be a Santa?

          • Adam Michaels

            Thank goodness for that- I knew you be a straight shooting person. Give me a few minutes and I will tell you the place.

    • Euan Ross-Taylor

      Yes but David Cunny will have to slay Goliath John, and while he has similar weaponry as his ‘predecessor’, my money remains firmly behind Goliath John because Goliath John cut his teeth in the fields of hard work, whereas David Cunny is a self absorbed hypocrite who speaks as a messiah in wolfs clothing.

  • Salacious T Crumb

    I really hope the Nats have got their shit together with their election campaign next year. A potential Grabour coalition government is the single black cloud hanging over NZ going into the New Year.

    • Happycaps

      Grabour(money) …………

  • blokeintakapuna

    Awesome…

  • blokeintakapuna

    Notice how CunningCV’s shirt is more blue than red…

    No conspiracy theories here…

    • Adam Michaels

      Don’t we get a purple colour if we mix blue and red? Singing “We’ll keep the purple flag flying high,” doesn’t have much of cadence about it for the Labour rank and file but it might make a few corporate cash registers ring.

  • Col

    Someone wrote it for him, now he just needs to change names and places, eg Hone was the driver, and Hone was also the guy who wanted $5000.00. Can’t fool me.

    • blokeintakapuna

      Are you sure?
      Rumour has it he had the entire Whanau at the city Mission lunch at that time. Besides, driving a taxi requires some effort… Sober effort even…

      • Col

        I heard him say they were helping not eating, yea right, another lie.

        • blokeintakapuna

          Helping… Themselves to the presents and another serving of desert most likely…

  • KiaOra

    40 year passports would be great but I would settle for 10 year ones. Labour has grabbed a good policy there. Hopefully Natuional will man up and do the same. The current 4.5 year versions are a total rip off.

    • Adam Michaels

      Hey, I will go along with you there! No sooner do you pay for the current one, then -puff of smoke- you pay again.

      • blokeintakapuna

        What have you been smoking if you loose 5years… Like that? *clicks fingers*

        • Adam Michaels

          LOL! Labour Party press releases.

    • GazzW

      I believe the validity of a NZ passport is increasing to 5.5 years to allow for that six dead months before expiry. That six months does not apply to travel to Australia by the way. Our passport office is hugely efficient compared to Aussie,UK and the US. Try dealing with them if you are in a hurry or need some help. A five year validity also enables us to keep up to date with technology – if you have an old passport right now then go stand in the queue with all of the other non-chipped passport holders. NZ is leading the charge with Smartgate technology and I’m all for it. Cunliffe’s promise to return to a ten year validity has not been thought through.

      • blokeintakapuna

        These passport laws all changed after 9/11
        But I’m so pleased my lifetime drivers licence is still valid…

        • Adam Michaels

          Yes, I still have mine too, from another life, it may appear!

      • KiaOra

        Hi Gazz, before “Bring Back 10 Year passports” started pushing the issue, Internal affairs proposed a 4.5 year passport. 77% of countries have a 5 year passport – mainly third world dictatorships that are very experienced at extorting money. How about the paranoid USA? Oh, they have 10 year passports. How about Europe? Most have 10 year passports. I predict that we will have 10 year passports back within 2 years – just as Canada has upgraded to 10 years in 2013.

        “For many years New Zealand had a well-respected ten-year passport, but in 2005, without public consultation, our adult passport validity was halved to 5 years, and the application fee doubled.
        Most of New Zealand’s trading partners, including Australia, the United States of America, China, the United Kingdom, and most Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) nations throughout the world, issue their citizens with 10-year passports.”

        • Alfred12

          Remind me again which govt was in power in 2005? Ah yes Hulun!

  • Sir Cullen’s Sidekick

    Curryleaf is so pleased with the free publicity Whale Oil is giving. He is considering a high list place for Whale now…..

    • blokeintakapuna

      I’m sure CunningCV is very high on Whale’s list too…

      After all, it’s better to give than receive…

    • Adam Michaels

      Perhaps No.1 ?

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