Clarkson on Road Maggots

Jeremy Clarkson discusses road maggots.

LAST weekend, while driving through the Cotswolds, I found myself stuck behind two cyclists who were riding alongside one another.

Of course they were.

Elevated these days to godlike status by modern environmental thinking, cyclists are propelled from place to place on a wave of self-righteousness and a pious belief that they’re the new knights of the road.

He forgot the lycra force-field.

Five days later, near the South Coast, the same thing happened again, only this time it was a lone cyclist, his gnarled and nutbrown thighs beating out a Victorian rhythm as he crawled slowly up the hill, proud that behind his wizened, Lycra- clad buttocks there was a queue of cars stretching half way to Dover.

Then in London, we have hundreds of them, ignoring the new multi-million pound cycle lane on the Embankment so they can make a nuisance of themselves on the main carriageway.

There was a time when you could take these morons to task. You could shake your fist and shout and point out that it’s absurd for a fully grown adult to be playing in public on what is a kids’ toy.

But not any more …

Today they all wear helmet cameras to record your rage.

There is no road use more sanctimonious that a road maggot with a helmet cam.

Then, when they get home, they upload it to YouTube and you’re made to look like a short-tempered fool.

Which brings me to the BBC radio ­presenter, and keen cyclist, Jeremy Vine, who this week uploaded some footage of a woman who’d become frustrated with his slow progress through Kensington, West London.

In it, he can be seen cycling down the middle of the road, deliberately blocking the cars in his wake, and when one gets too close he stops — still in the middle of the road — so he can record the woman driver’s foul-mouthed tirade.

The message is clear.

He’s been verbally assaulted while on a noble quest to save the polar bear.

But hang on a minute, Vine. How did you know that the woman in the car behind wasn’t rushing to see her injured child in hospital? How did you know there wasn’t a pregnant girl on the back seat who was about to give birth?

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be stuck behind a sanctimonious cyclist when you really are in a genuine, tearing hurry? Vine says he was cycling in the middle of the road because that way he’s unlikely to be hit by people opening their car doors without looking.

Really? Because if safety is your number one priority, why are you wearing a helmet festooned with GoPros?

Are you not aware that it was, in all probability, a camera attached to Michael Schumacher’s helmet that caused his terrible head injuries?

In fact, if safety is your number one priority, why are you on a bicycle in the first place?

Of course, it is not illegal to cycle slowly down the middle of a narrow street. But it is selfish and annoying for everyone else.

How would he like it, I wonder, if I followed him around for a month, blowing gently on the back of his ears?

That’s not illegal either, but after a few days I’m sure he’d turn round and have a strong word.

I may try it.

Heh, I’m sure Clarkson could have come up with something far more irreverent.

  • sandalwood789

    I *loved* the old “Top Gear” with Clarkson, Hammond and “Captain Slow”. I’ve never seen the new one and don’t want to as it could never be as good. ( Many people seem to agree with me too as it has very poor ratings from what I’ve heard. )

    • Dave

      It’s not top gear anymore, more low gear, low range in a 50 year old Russian tractor. Watched once, then tried a few weeks later, sadly they just don’t have it.

      • waldopepper

        not even sure if its going to make it to season 2 lol.

  • johcar

    In the video, they are both idiots.

    She for getting so angry so quickly, and he for not pulling into the side of the road to let her past.

    Being a lapsed cyclist myself, even I can see what a richard-head the cyclist here is.

  • Chrish4

    Hang on, she is a person of colour, how dare he obstruct her, doesn’t he know Black Lives Matter?? :)

  • hookerphil

    As someone who has ridden a touring bike in Britain, France, Germany, Belgium, Denmark, Australia and a few others including right in to London several times along the A24 I would say that this guy is a complete dork and an obnoxious dick. May he puncture frequently.

    • Mags

      Cycle touring in UK is fabulous. Still have my bike from 30 odd years ago but dont trust the safety aspect any longer so long ago have up cycling. Agree that guys is a moron.

  • dumbshit

    Last Tuesday, at 7.30 am nephew stopped on inside lane at Welcome Bay light controlled round about, with a ute in front. Cross traffic never cleared the intersection, and when lights turned green, ute driver blasted horn continuously until it started fading. Thence he threw open his door and walked up to back of offending car and started slapping the back window. Mean time outside lane had cleared, and the ute could have easily pulled out around the back of offending car. Nec minute, a small truck comes up outside lane at speed, and unsighted because of curve of road, hits the ute door. It completely broke off hinges. Irate dude was speechless. Oh for a dashcam.

  • XCIA

    This should have been a case of being hung out of his own mouth, or camera in this case. The police should have jumped on him because he was “travelling at such a speed so as to impede the flow of traffic”, which carries a decent fine and points.

  • Sailor Sam

    Seeing as he also hates cars towing caravans, he had better never travel around Australia.
    Cyclists have nothing on these mobile resthomes.