Emily Yoffe gives some advice to a coupleĀ where the wife can’t have sex unless she is drunk.
Those are some loaded questions: Is it a problem that your wife has to get intoxicated to enjoy sex with you, or should you be delighted sheās willing to get intoxicated to have sex with you? From your account, your wife was never that interested in sex, and so you are one of those couples who decided to pair up despite your mismatched libidos. I do wonder about people who think love will overcome this problem, because surely everyone knows marriage and kids rarely heat up things. I have suggested scheduling sex, which doesnāt sound sexy, but having sex turns out to be more sexy than not having it. In most of these cases, though, the partners have established that they enjoy each other in bedātheyāre just not getting there often enough. I think you need to get to the primary source of your wifeās resistance. Is it more that she lies there thinking: āIāve got to make appointments for the kidsā vaccinations tomorrow. Are we out of bread? Olivia has a recital Thursday afternoon, so I have to arrange to leave work early ā¦ā? That is, her domestic life has subsumed her erotic life, and instead of sex being a release, it just feels like another obligation. Or is she saying to herself, āI hate when he touches my nipples. I hate when he kisses my neck. I hate when he wants me to stroke his ā¦ā This inquiry into your wifeās feelings needs to be sensitive, even oblique. So I suggest you start by readingĀ Mating in CaptivityĀ by Esther Perel andĀ The Return of DesireĀ by Gina Ogden.
See if these books offer insights or case histories that speak to your situation. If you find these, you can ask your wife to look at some passages. Or you can just act on what youāve read, taking a page from other semi-moribund couples who have been jolted into bed. Since you applied my suggestion about scheduling sex, Iām going to make another one that I canāt even believe Iām advocating. Consider takingĀ a trip together to Colorado or Washington state. For one thing, when the children are far away with their grandparents or a trusted babysitter, your wife won’t be distracted about the need to make their lunches. For another, you two can explore the new world of legal marijuana. To get aroused your wife has to shut off the competing voices in her head. So join with her and share a joint. Because this letting go will be somewhat subversive, I hope it gets you two laughing your heads off and tearing your clothes off. No, I donāt think becoming potheads is a permanent solution. Iām just suggesting that casting aside your routines and responsibilities might be a way to create some new sparks.