Depression

As long time readers will know I suffer from depression. Due to the length, severity and re-occurrence of my depression over the past few years I know now that it will be with me for life. I am not talking about “feeling a bit sad today” depression, I am talking about the black dog that is severe depression. If I am not vigilant then down into the darkness I will slip. No one chooses depression, it certainly isn’t the box of laughs that the left-wing likes to think it is for me in particular.

At present my depression is held at bay but not through anti-depressants, rather through hard physical exercise and some techniques I picked up along the way through 6 long years of hell. For the first time in a long, long time i am working again. That has challenges in itself that can affect my control over my depression but it is a start.

The best thing I ever did is ditch the medications that doctors and insurance companies forced down my throat in the interests of getting “better”. For me getting well involved ditching the drugs and I will never let them past my lips again.

There also appears to be growing evidence that the pills don’t work.

Anti-depressants can cause worse long-term health effects, and may have an adverse effect on suicide rates in youth, says an award-winning American medical journalist in Nelson this week.

Robert Whitaker, a Pulitzer Prize finalist and author of several books, will be speaking in Nelson tomorrow night on the effects of psychiatric drugs on the brain and how anti-depressant medications shape long-term health outcomes.

He will discuss his research in the United States which found the increased prescribing of psychiatric drugs to youth led to a sharp rise in the numbers diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the numbers on sickness benefits.

After examining data from several countries, Whitaker also found increased prescribing of anti-depressants to adults correlated with a sharp increase in disability rates due to depression and anxiety.

Clinical trials had shown anti-depressants may increase the suicide risk in youth, he said. He did not have data on whether increased rates of prescribing was linked to suicide rates at a national level.

Anti-depressants made my life worse not better. But a combination of medical experts and insurance company policies means that there are many people like me that would have got well sooner if alternate treatment policies were followed or even allowed. Even ACC and WINZ follow the same policies, and so it isn;t really any wonder that we have burgeoning mental health issues caused by strict adherence to shoving pills down our throats.

It is my belief that the drugs just paper over the cracks. They are not a solution, they are a temporary salve with long term serious side effects. Even then they aren’t all that effective.

Whitaker’s book, Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America, had been attacked by some health professionals, but many had responded in a thoughtful way.

I just bet he was attacked. The drug companies have got the insurance companies by the shorts. Meanwhile the sufferers suffer.

Trevor seems to be suffering since his senior moment on a cycle, apart from his deliusions which I will cover in a separate post, his hip and shoulder seem to be causing him a great deal of pain. I understand he is spending a huge amount in the wheelchair off camera and out of sight of the media.

Here are some handy links for him to assist with his recovery. Because I’ve been ill and I know how hard it is to get through recovery.

Safe Sexual Positions Post Hip Replacement Surgery

Approved Positions
Positions for Intercourse which Do Conform to Precautions of Total Hip Replacement

Trevor take note: Not these ones….and I guess the Swiss Ball at Annette’s is out. I wonder if the Police have returned it yet?

Avoid Positions
Positions for Intercourse To Be Avoided Following Total Hip Replacement

Michael Laws has attacked me via Facebook. not content with abusing people with Aspergers, rooting crack-whores or his inherent racism in order to drive ratings he has now taken to attacking people with depression.

Quite apart from the fact that I am not on any medication, am quite sane despite suffering from major depression Michael Laws still fails to address the fact that he lied and I proved he did.

I’m not sure Mike King will be too pleased his approach to attacking the messenger rather than the substance of the facts of my post. Having depression does not make my arguments any less cogent.

He goes on in the comments:

One thing is for sure, I am honest about suffering from depression. I have shared so that other may learn. Michael Laws clearly hasn’t learned and seeks instead to denigrate and abuse because i explained carefully the real facts behind his claims of record breaking success.

The facts show that he did not increase his rating by 15%. The facts show that he burned off 50% of his audience in Wellington, the facts show that his TSL dropped by 30% in Auckland, and the facts show that despite and increase in numbers the market share of his show actually dropped.

If he wants to claim that as a success and lie about it then that says more about him than it does about me. If he wants to increase his ratings by bashing beneficiaries, people with Aspergers and people with depression and rooting hookers on top of that then so be it. If he can’t debate the facts and instead have to resort to personal attakcs then, again, it says more about him than it does about me.

I for one am prepared to debate Michael laws, anywhere, anytime on any subject, especially about mental illness, but hell, he can choose the topic and i will slay him comprehensively. I doubt Michael would be prepared to do that though because he prefers one way traffic and self adulation to dealing with facts.

I am honest about my fight with depression, I wonder when Michael Laws will be honest about his afflictions. Attitudes such as Michael’s don’t help, and I doubt he would have the courage to say to my face what he has said on his Facebook page.

This isn’t a pity post, it is an explanation, apology and a promise. I am well on my way to reshaping my life without prescription drugs for depression, and without depression, I don’t want pity.

I suffer from long term depression and depersonalisation disorder. But those are just labels and certainly not in any way excuses, but to some extent I have been using them as excuses and that must end.

I has been a hard six years. Six years in which I have destroyed pretty much everything that I ever had. I have destroyed relationships, friendships, wealth, talent, and I almost destroyed my will to try to get better.

It is hard to know now, after taking Prozac, Citalopram, Venlafaxine, Zyban and numerous sleep medications and anti-depressants that I have forgotten the names of, whether through all of that drug induced haze it was depression causing depersonalisation or the other way round. Either way the combination of the two essentially destroyed, pretty much totally my life, or at the least the life I thought I had.

One thing I have learned though is the pathology of both the illnesses and I try everyday to avoid the causes or the situations that lead to them. Consequently I am now risk averse, avoid fights in person like you would avoid cancer, and have conditioned myself to almost be like Pavlov’s dogs immobile to the pain and hurt being inflicted upon me, mostly by my own actions.

I have hurt people close to me, my family, my friends and I have hurt other people too. Mostly I don’t even know that I am doing it and when I come out of a DPD episode beat myself up over what I did. It is almost too hard to explain in any other way than like living in a movie. But living in that movie seems so real, but like the movies ultimately it isn’t, except the pain, anguish and suffering that I cause to other people because of my actions, that is real, and that is awful, and I have to live with that and the consequences of it. One of the most profound consequences being loneliness. I mean who wants to be around such a complete c*nt? Someone who is awful to even his closest friends. No-one does, why would you?

For all those people I have hurt and abused through my insensitive, rude and obnoxious behaviour I apologise unreservedly. I make no excuses, and lay no blame on anyone but myself. That is one thing I do alot though, blame myself. No one is harder on me than me, it is one of the things I need to learn to do better.

Next year is going to be a challenge, but one that I am prepared to meet. I am going to act and treat people like I want people to act and treat me. Take this post as an early New Years resolution. And take this blog post as a heartfelt apology to all the people I have affronted. There will be changes, I need to make changes, there has to be changes, what those are I’m not exactly sure yet, but I certainly need to be looking to be as happy with my life and circumstances as I can possibly be. I will address the real reasons for my depression. I will make the necessary changes so that, going forward, I can be hopeful and optimistic about the future, and in doing so, become a better man.

Will I stop calling out politicians? No I will not. Will I stop being me? No I will not. But what I will be is a better friend and better blogger and a better person.

This is the last post I will ever do about depression. I am over it, physically and literally…it has almost got me, but I will not, and do not give in. It will not beat me, not now, not ever.

To the people who kicked me in the butt this year, and those who supported me I give my heartfelt thanks. I truly haven’t appreciated you, know now that I do.

The last thing that I will say is that this year I will learn to love myself again. If I can achieve that then life will truly be on the mend.

Today is the last day of Movember. Tomorrow I shave.

Thank you to my contributors.

This is a cause I feel strongly about and I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a donation to me.  To help, you can either:

•    Click this link http://nz.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/17568/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account
•    Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember Foundation,’ referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 12708, Wellington, 6144

All donations are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.

Last day of Movember

Someone is touchy. Michael Laws is very touchy. He decides to label all bloggers as having a mental illness and suggests he isn’t there yet.

Well F*ck you Michael.

In the middle of Movember you decide to label bloggers as suffering from mental illness. Well welcome to the sh*t-storm that all bloggers will unleash upon you for calling us all mental.

To Donate to Movember, you can either:

•    Click this link http://nz.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/17568/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account
•    Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember Foundation,’ referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 12708, Wellington, 6144

I have always been up front about my own personal battle with Depression. I have fronted on my own demons. It is time Michael Laws started confronting his own demons, and they are considerable. It is time that bloggers and media everywhere started calling this blackmailer, bullshit artist on his crap and started outing his reprehensible bullying and predator behaviour.

There is power in speaking the truth, something Michael Laws is a stranger to.

I wonder what his fellow Radio host at Radio Live, Mike King thinks about such labels during Movember, an event that Mike King is an ambassador for. I wonder too what John Kirwan thinks of such comments during Movember.

Michaels Laws is a cowardly little weak man with a body like a half sucked throatie. By abusing bloggers for their mental health has just added him to my sh*t-list, a list from which no one ever gets off.

Here is a video that Michael laws would do well to heed. (WARNING: NSFW, Do not play at work)

Day 9 of Movember.

Still no action from Fidelity Life, who seem to think that my depression magically went away. Well they think that because their doctors (Prof. Des Gorman, Ralf Schnabel and Dr. Anthony Asteraidis) told them that I no longer had a head injury and so I was cured. The fact that I never had a head injury in the first place and never claimed for that seems to have escaped their collective thoughts.

Nonetheless the battle continues and the last few days have been a bit tough.

I am doing Movember because one in ten men will experience depression in their lifetime. Many of these men do not seek help.

This is a cause I feel strongly about and I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a donation to me.  To help, you can either:

•    Click this link http://nz.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/17568/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account
•    Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember Foundation,’ referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 12708, Wellington, 6144

All donations are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.

To join my Movember team go to http://nz.movember.com/register/105390 and follow the steps. Once registered you’ll be sent all the information you need to raise funds and start growing as part of my Movember team.

Movember - Day 9

Movember - Day 4

I have said that music is one o the things that gets me through my depression and DPD episodes. Here is another of my favourites, The Verve, Lucky Man, again it is a combination of the words and the tune that I like. The songs that help the most mean something to me, and the songs snap me out (temporarily) of my DPD episodes.

The only sad thing is that the f*ckwits at EMI don’t allow embedding…I have o idea why they would do that…surely they’d like to see their songs spread far and wide.

The only industry more intransigent and unreasonable than the music industry is the insurance industry and companies like Fidelity Life who ignore medical advice and add to their clients mental health issues by treating them like crap.

You can support Movember  by making a donation to me or my team.  To help, you can either:

•    Click this link http://nz.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/17568/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account
•    Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember Foundation,’ referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 12708, Wellington, 6144

All donations are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.

To join my Movember team go to http://nz.movember.com/register/105390 and follow the steps. Once registered you’ll be sent all the information you need to raise funds and start growing as part of my Movember team.

Today is my birthday, it is also the day that 6 years ago I went to the doctor and found out that the reason I wanted to punch every one out and was so utterly exhausted at the same time was because I suffered from depression.

That started what has been a six year battle with depression, anti-depressants, a scum insurance company called Fidelity Life and their equally scum doctors Des Gorman, Anthony Asteraidis and Ralf Schnabel (medical professionals who make their living almost exclusively from insurance companies). It is only now, after de-toxing myself from the anti-depressants that I also find out that covered up under all the medication and depression was de-personlisation disorder. Adam Duritz lead singer of the Counting Crows published an essay in which he describes his experience with suffering from depersonalization disorder. (It is the best, but also most frightening description of what it is like with depersonalisation disorder)

Now that I no longer have the anti-depressants in my system I can start to address the causes of my depression in a meaningful way instead of plastering over the cracks.

Fidelity Life thought a year ago that I was cured, this despite their own medical evidence, yet in the past year I haven’t managed to even remotely get near working. In that year I have lost my house, been in court, and removed all drugs from my system, this year has been one of the hardest of my life, it is almost as if I am starting a new life.

I realise now, even, if Fidelity Life doesn’t, that I will now live with the spectre of depression for the rest of my life. It isn’t something, now after 6 years, that will just go away. I live every day hoping I don’t slip into a DPD episode or wake up in the morning so utterly exhausted just from surviving the previous day that I can’t get out of bed.

Three things keep it all at bay, or at least help when depression and DPD strikes. The gym, music and blogging.

When I say the gym, I don’t mean some namby-pamby poofs type of gym, I mean my mate Buck‘s gym in the heart of South Auckland, where fatties, gang members, both patched and un-patched, Pasifika, Maori plus a few of us whitey go. A gym where there are no sooks, and there are no soft options. When I go to the gym it is for two hours at least and it is tough. It needs to be to reset my core being. because in living with depression for 6 years I have learned and understood the pathology of the illness so that I can try to combat it.

For me, my form of depression is the “fight response”. That means my body thinks it is always in a battle. The closer to the edge of depression I get the shallower my breathing becomes, its all automatic, the body is designed that way to divert oxygen to the muscles for battle or for flight. It is one of the reasons why John Kirwan was able to perform so well despite his depression, literally his body was tuned to provide huge amounts of oxygen to the fast twitch muscles which enabled him to score magnificent tries like there was no-one in front of him. This is the same mechanism that causes people in high stress situations, in battle, in acidents, in trauma situation can perform huge feats of physical amazement. It is the ancient “berserker” mechanism of the Vikings. The problem is my body is set on that full time. With it come determination, hyper-vigilance, and utter, utter exhaustion. Eventually if you don’t reset you just collapse as I well know. The gym forces your body to breathe deeply and helps reset.

I encourage anyone suffering depression to start of by going for good, hard long walks or bike rides. Trust me it will help. It is what got me started on the road to recovery.

It is only now after I have purged the drugs from my body that I am finally starting to feel like I am getting on top of the “Black Dog”. But it is still a daily battle. As I mentioned music helps and in particular some songs that have a great deal of meaning for me. Here is one I listen to frequently. It helps to express out loud what is going on inside.

Of course I don’t have to tell you about my blogging, you are all my loyal and understanding fans so you know already how that helps. by reading and commenting and supporting you have all helped me immensely and for that I thank you you all.

I will continue the fight against depression and I will continue to try to educate people as to why depression isn’t just about feeling a bit sad. Unfortunately Insurance companies and Fidelity Life in particular don’t seem to grasp this issue and continue to force feed their clients and patients with cocktails of drugs that do nothing to address the core issues of depression. The pity is that Fidelity Life doesn’t want to talk so I will have have to educate them in a court room, an education that will cost them far more than a few meetings.

Movember is a cause I feel strongly about and I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a donation to me.  To help, you can either:

•    Click this link http://nz.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/17568/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account
•    Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember Foundation,’ referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 12708, Wellington, 6144

All donations are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.

To join my Movember team go to http://nz.movember.com/register/105390 and follow the steps. Once registered you’ll be sent all the information you need to raise funds and start growing as part of my Movember team.

Movember - Day 1

This Movember, the month formerly known as November I’ve decided to donate my face to raising awareness about prostate cancer and depression in men.  My donation and commitment is the growth of a moustache for the entire month of Movember, which I know will generate conversation, controversy and laughter.

I am doing this because close to 3,000 men are diagnosed with prostate cancer in New Zealand each year and one in ten men will experience depression in their lifetime. Many of these men do not seek help.

This is a cause I feel strongly about and I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a donation to me.  To help, you can either:

•    Click this link http://nz.movember.com/donate/your-details/member_id/17568/ and donate online using your credit card or PayPal account
•    Write a cheque payable to ‘Movember Foundation,’ referencing my Registration Number 17568 and mailing it to: Movember Foundation, PO Box 12708, Wellington, 6144

All donations are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law.

To join my Movember team go to http://nz.movember.com/register/105390 and follow the steps. Once registered you’ll be sent all the information you need to raise funds and start growing as part of my Movember team.

Through its men’s health partners, The New Zealand Mental Health Foundation and the Cancer Society of New Zealand, Movember is funding world class research, educational and support programs which would otherwise not be possible.

For more details on how the funds raised from previous campaigns have been used and the impact Movember is having please visit http://nz.movemberfoundation.com/research-and-programs.

Thank you in advance for helping me to support men’s health.