Jane Clifton

Jane Clifton gloriously takes the piss out of Brendan Horan.  A complete mocking where she concludes Horan is the luckiest MP around.

He can continue to collect not too far shy of $200,000 a year for the next couple of years, being in his new caucus of one, assigning himself to do nothing in particular if he can’t think of anything to do that he fancies.

Provided he turns up to Parliament for most sitting days, there is nothing to stop him collecting his full pay and, as David Lange used to say of MPs’ other entitlements, flying to Timaru every week to change his library books if he feels like it.

He suffers the worst fate of all, comparisons with Alamein Kopu.

In resisting the brow-smiting exit, he need look no further for precedent than the former Alliance MP Alamein Kopu, who, turfed from her caucus for chronic absenteeism, continued to come to Parliament as a fully fledged MP basically to drink cups of tea with the then Prime Minister Jenny Shipley.

Kopu made no contribution to public life before, during or after her time in sacked exile – unless you count the one extra vote the National Government was only too happy to have. But did she feel shame? Not on your Nelly.  She had been selected by her party peers, and her legal position was bullet-proof.

And everything the public loathes about MP’s.

He can continue to collect not too far shy of $200,000 a year for the next couple of years, being in his new caucus of one, assigning himself to do nothing in particular if he can’t think of anything to do that he fancies.

It had to happen at some point.

Jane taking the piss out of the hapless Trev.

Oh dear. How did this one make it to print in a family magazine?

In key word summary.

Hole, tunnelling, loosening……bla bla bla (insert Labour brainwash) bla bla bla (insert Labour brainwash) bla bla Kim Dotcom ….affair….(insert Labour brainwash) auntie’s bunion…… bla bla bla…. sucking…..rabbit……(insert Labour brainwash) bla bla bla.

I can forget all that on a Friday, but never what followed.

“Kim Dotcom were to come and sit on your chest”.

Make.

The.

Mental.

Image.

Go.

Away.

The Listener should be forced to give out special edition Neuralyzers.

Press Complaint?

“Whack a mole” according to Jane Clifton.

How topical given we all know who the real mole  is.  I posted on it at the weekend.

First a vigorously protesting member of the public shouted from the gallery about God being mocked, and then a succession of MPs bobbed up incessantly, saying “Point of order! Point of order!” Though Speaker Lockwood Smith kept verbally whacking them down, the bobbing moles had the upper hand for quite some time.

It is not Winston. Although Clifton came up with a great description.  A MOP “mole of perseverance”. The Speaker should have named that Old Mole after showing him the leather of his sole.

Mr Peters, however, was a mole of perseverance. Ordered out next for continuing to harangue Dr Smith, he redoubled his invective.

While Lockwood Smith is whacking them, David Shearer sat quietly and will not accept his real mole has put him in a hole after his own goal.

Taking a short break from her affaire de coeur with Trevor Mallard, Jane Clifton writes about what a monumental screw up the changes to the Christchurch Schools has been.

In the dictionary, the word “consultation” is defined as the act of asking other parties what they think.

In politics, it is taken to mean a purely ornamental conversation governments have with the people affected by an unpopular proposal before they go ahead and do it to them anyway.

Education Minister Hekia Parata has a third definition: an ornamental conversation you have with people after you’ve all but done it to them, as she showed responding in Parliament yesterday to questions about the controversial Canterbury school closures and mergers.

Labour’s Chris Hipkins wanted to know whom she had consulted before announcing the changes, since it seemed clear she had not consulted the schools or their boards before the announcement.

Ms Parata launched into an explanation about working through “phases of consultation” that were “becoming ever finer-grained”. They had started “at very high levels”, leading to submissions, and then to proposals.

Chippie has a reputation of being a good local MP, and not a bad guy for a socialist, though pretty inexperienced in the real world. That doesn’t seem to matter as he has held Hekia to account beautifully in question time, and she will now be at the stage where she fears going into the house to be questioned. She had a shocker, the pressure is building and Chippe knows he has her number.

Mr Hipkins looked ready to dance a jig, so backhandedly delighted was he with the blatancy of his quarry’s evasion.

After a further nudge from Dr Smith, she agreed, in petulant tones, to construe the question “pedantically”!

“I consulted the submissions that had been submitted. I consulted with ministry staff who in turn had consulted with individuals across the . . . district,” she recited primly.

Mr Hipkins looked especially pleased with the idea of consultations with submitted submissions. Deciding to spell out his concern in the simplest possible terms, he asked whether there would now be sufficient time for the schools, parents, pupils, teachers and local communities to be consulted.

“The specifics of the details of consultation under the formal process will be advised to schools, which should be the first to know, and then I will take feedback from them,” Ms Parata said.

This basically means Hekia hasn’t got a clue, and Labour know it. They can feast on her in question time, and her failure to master her portfolio will mean they will keep tying her in knots.

Regular readers will remember I have repeatedly pointed out that Hekia has been a failure in the education portfolio, after three years of trouble free stewardship by Anne Tolley. Then again Anne Tolley refused to entertain any nonsense from the teacher unions, Hekia on the other hand welcomed them in with open arms…how’d that work out for ya Hekia?

I have nothing else to say about this. Commenters may not feel so inclined.

Love birds on Lambton

Walking hand-in-hand down Wellington’s Lambton Quay on Thursday were political journalist Jane Clifton and Labour bovver boy Trevor Mallard.

Clifton, a celebrated Listener columnist, was formerly in a relationship with National’s Murray McCully. Her link to Mallard has been the subject of much tittle-tattle on the political grapevine and around the Beehive corridors. However, the pair are avoiding gossip-mongers. Clifton did not return calls and Mallard hung up on The Diary.

Jane Clifton gives us a fascinating insight into what the Press Gallery girls gossiped about at the water coolers photocopier in the “old days”.

The new member for Te Tai Tokerau was slim and fit, had a full head of wavy hair, and was generally agreed to be the most attractive male specimen to hit the lobbies in a long time.

How does Tau rate now? May we ask?

It is pretty damn hard for a proud Maori to go red but Tau may be blushing the next time he comes into contact with the Cougars of the Gallery – Jane, Audrey and Fran knowing they once had a giggle the same way the Gen Y’s now do for Simon Bridges, Gareth Hughes and Chris Hipkins.

I don’t know what Tau has done to offend a lady but Clifton has now publicly shanked him as her “wild card” choice and bet heavily for Maurice as the next Speaker.

Jane Clifton rips out perhaps the best line yet for David Shearer’s now infamous Rufus Paynter:

Leader David Shearer is growing to deserve the doom-laden epithet: hapless. Trying valiantly to reposition Labour as being pro-work in the context of the welfare entitlement debate, he again muffed his lines, to create a now deathless meme most usefully subtitled Diddler on the Roof. He began a speech describing a sickness beneficiary who, according to his neighbour, was hoofing up and down quite ably fixing his roof. Shearer said, one would have thought quite reasonably, that he, too, opposed people claiming benefits illicitly. From the response of the left Twittering classes, you’d have thought he had advocated the return of the Poor House and work camps. How dare he question the honesty and deservingness of the man on the roof? But that wasn’t the worst of it. A nationwide search seemed to be launched by Shearer’s detractors to find the roofer and give him redress, and Shearer eventually cracked under media interrogation to half-admit – it’s often not clear between the ums and ahs what he is and isn’t trying to say – that the anecdote was at least as allegorical as factual. There may or may not have been an actual roofer, and even if there was, Shearer did not ascertain the particulars of his infirmity. Had he made the point that he deplores benefit cheats for the same reason he deplores corporate tax-dodgers, he might have proofed himself against the blizzard of both right- and left-wing scorn.

Earlier today I blogged about Jane Clifton’s belief that Maurice Williamson could be the next speaker. She also suggested there could be a wild card in the mix.

Then later on today she tweeted this:

@tauhenareIs it true you’re making a run for Speaker post-Lockie? U wd look ok in the platinum blonde wig #batmancapeabonus

— Jane Clifton (@rumpole3) September 7, 2012

Tau Henare has responded in the affirmative.

And so it is all on. As this is not a government appointment there is huge potential for some embarrassment now. Standing Order 18 and 19 is clear:

18 Two members nominated
If two members are nominated for election as Speaker, the election is decided by a personal vote. In the event of a tie, the Clerk again
calls for nominations.

19 More than two members nominated
(1) If more than two members are nominated for election as Speaker,—
(a) the bells are rung for seven minutes; after the bells have  stopped the doors are closed and locked:
(b) the Clerk states the names of the members nominated and  calls on each member, in alphabetical order, to vote for one of the candidates:
(c) members vote by standing in their places on being called by  the Clerk and stating the name of the member for whom they vote; a member may abstain:
(d) if a member receives the votes of a majority of the members  voting, the Clerk declares that member elected:
(e) otherwise, the member with the fewest votes is eliminated  and the votes are taken again for the remaining members until their number is reduced to two:
(f) when the number of members is reduced to two, the election  is decided by a personal vote as provided in Standing Order 18.
(2) In the event of a tie in any personal vote, the Clerk calls for nominations for election again.
(3) Where, under paragraph (1)(e), there is more than one member with the fewest votes, that vote is taken again. If, after the vote is retaken, there is still more than one member with the fewest votes, the Clerk must determine by lot which member is to be eliminated.

The Labour Party would be strategically smart to back Henare to embarrass the government. They probably won’t though. The Maori party will get leaned on heavily, but they might stay strong to get one of the Bros the job.

If all of the opposition parties and Maori Party support Tau, then with his own vote he could get 61 votes and become speaker.

Labour (34) + Green (14) + NZ First (8) + Maori (3) + Hone + Tau = 61

Time to buy up some popcorn.