Jokes

David Bain Wedding Tweets

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More charges for Rolf Harris

Rolf Harris is is more trouble.

Australian entertainer Rolf Harris faces three more charges of indecent assault against girls in England, English media report.

The new allegations include one against a girl aged “7 or 8″,¬†the BBC reports.

Harris, 83, was charged on August 29 this year with 13 sex offences, including four counts of possessing indecent images of children and nine of indecent assault involving two girls aged 14 and 15 during the 1980s.¬† Read more »

Fifty Shades of Brown and other jokes

via Twitter

At least no one was hungry, he got chinese and she got two minute noodles.

She thought she called him into the office to talk about elections, not erections.

Len Brown says he works 24/7 for Auckland but now we know it is actually 23 hours 58 minutes.

“I love this city. I love my wife. I love my family. I love my girlfriend.” – Len Brown

Emmett Hussey’s campaign slogan for 2016 “I HAVE NEVER MET A WOMAN AND I DO NOT OWN A PHONE, NO SEX SCANDALS HERE”

New book in Whitcoulls Queen St – “Fifty Shades of Brown”

Shan wants to wring his neck, but the problem is he’d find the choking arousing.¬†

Down at the Ports of Auckland, there are 100 plus port workers saying “he fucked us too”

When Len said he wanted to build a skyscraper in the middle of Chinatown, we thought he meant a building! ¬† Read more »

A little education joke for Saturday

A ERO school inspector is sent to assess a Year 4 class in a local School. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class, “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question”.

The inspector reasons that normally in this integrated school class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.

He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?” ¬†graphic

For a full minute there is absolute silence. Eventually, little Billy raises his hand.

Billy stands up and replies, “Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn’t me”.

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation.

Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says “Well, I’ve known Billy since the start of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it then he didn’t do it”.

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies “I don’t know the boy, but I believe his teacher. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent”.

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and in a rage, dials Read more »

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Obama Won It In How Many Months?

The EU has won a Nobel Peace Prize for bailing themselves out and running out of wars to fight.

The Norwegian prize committee said the EU received the award for six decades of contributions “to the advancement of peace and reconciliation, democracy and human rights in Europe.

“The stabilizing part played by the European Union has helped to transform a once torn Europe from a continent of war to a continent of peace,” Nobel committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland said.

They probably most need the 10 million SEK.

Past winners are listed here.

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Racism

ŠĒ• the tipline

A little joke for you all:

Racism! Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these¬†days!

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Guinness?”

The¬†shop assistant asks, “Are you Irish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says,¬†“Yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian¬†sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for
German Bratwurst,would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a¬†kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for¬†a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish¬†sausage,would you ask if I was Polish?”

The shop assistant says, “No,¬†I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for¬†Guinness, why did you askme if I’m Irish?

The clerk replied, “Because¬†you’re in Bunnings’.”

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On Raybon Kan

I note that the story has made the Herald on Sunday.

This post isn’t about the tweet. When I posted it last night I posted it saying I bet he gets in trouble for it. But I can now see where this is story is going and my prediction is it is going nowhere. I’ll tell you why.

In this country it is ok to make jokes about Jews. Muslims no way, but Jews yes. About the Governor-General, no and the jokester must be sacked, but Jews yes. You can’t make jokes about Indian¬†Commonwealth¬†Games preparations but you can about Jews. You can’t make jokes about Maori, but you can about Jews. Jews and the Exclusive Brethren, they are the ones where there is open season for joke telling.

This is the double standard that exists in New Zealand. I doubt we will see UNITE union flunkies protesting outside Raybon Kan’s employer, or boycotting his shows, because all he did was tella ¬†joke that offended some filthy Jews.

No don’t get me wrong, I’m with David Farrar on this issue, but I wonder where the shriekers and yellers from the left that scream racism and take offence at much less are on this issue?

Their silence is telling. Next time they screech in outrage about some joke or another we should point at this case and tell them to STFU.

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He's a smart man that GWB

People mock George W Bush but this is perhaps one of his best bitch-slaps of a numpty media hack.

hat tip Clint Heine.

 

Zemanta Pixie
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Is there a Doctor on board?


Recently on an international flight there was a medical emergency. The flight crew were coping but the passenger deteriorated quickly. A decision was made to seek medical assistance from the passengers and so a call was made on the aircraft’s intercom system. You know the call;

“Ladies and Gentlemen, could I have your attention please, If there is a Doctor on board this flight could they please make their whereabouts known to the crew, thank you”

The crew waiting for the usual way that passengers make their whereabouts known, the crew page button. There we no lights, they were in a quandary. The passenger wasn’t looking good and there appeared to be no doctor on board.

Then a small, ruddy faced, grey headed man appeared.

“I am a Doctor, how may I assist”

The crew quickly explained the situation to the ruddy faced, grey headed man who progressivly got first paler and then bright beetroot red, presumably with embarrassment. You see the good Doctor who voluntered to assit in the medical emergency was in fact a Doctor of Social and Economic History.

Before you scoff, this is a true story and happened just a short while ago.

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Ralston slates Clark for the illusion of action

Bill Ralston: Words are louder than actions – 17 Feb 2008 – Politics: New Zealand Political News, Analysis and Comment including 2008 election coverage – NZ Herald

Bill Ralston writes about Clark’s insincere policy initiatives of the past week;

“The issue of tagging hit the headlines and Helen Clark immediately announced the Government would ban the sale of spray paint to under 18-year-olds and impose harsher penalties for graffiti.



In case it has escaped anyone’s attention, under 18-year-olds are banned from buying liquor and cigarettes but they seem to be able to access these forbidden fruits with ease, and there is no reason to expect they will have any more difficulty laying hands on spray cans once the ban comes into force.

Harsher penalties are unlikely to have much effect, either. There are some heavy penalties for using drugs but some people keep happily getting stoned anyway.”

Yep, she missed the boat on that one. Tagging will continue in spite of the government. (no it isn’t an error, I used in spite on purpose). What about the much vaunted “Affordable Housing” policy that isn’t;

“National’s Phil Heatley was quick to point out that the Government’s proposed affordable homes were not so easily afforded by the needy.

The average household income in New Zealand is $68,000 a year but the average couple would need to earn $70,000 to service a mortgage on the “affordable” home. If there is only one breadwinner in the household and he or she earns the necessary $70,000 then, of course, the Government declares that person to be rich and taxes the last desperately needed $10,000 of their earnings at the top tax rate of 39 cents in the dollar.



The Government will claim that is why it proposes a shared equity scheme, whereby a state funding body will effectively give struggling first-home buyers a second mortgage, interest free, to be repaid when they eventually sell the house. If that second mortgage is 30 per cent of the value of the home then the Government gets back its initial investment and 30 per cent of the value of the home when it is sold.

The Government appears to have fallen into the same trap many of us have already. It is assuming it will, over time, get a capital gain on property. Some real estate observers are predicting a fall in house prices of 20 per cent to 30 per cent. What happens if the poor first-home buyer ends up in a negative equity situation? Forced by debt to sell their home at a dramatically depressed price the drowning homeowner has to dig deeper to find the full amount of the second mortgage, plunging still further into debt.”

Precisely Mr Ralston. Labour’s Affordable Housing policy is a dog. I hope they defend it long and hard until it is too late to drop the stupid thing.