Jokes

Are there any jokes we are allowed to tell anymore?

Telling jokes has become offensive. Comedians are about to become extinct because the perpetually outraged are shutting down joke telling.

This time it is dwarf jokes that have outraged.

When Jimmy Carr warned The One Show his jokes might get them into trouble, the presenters probably took it as another quip.

But yesterday the BBC1 programme found itself at the centre of a formal probe by the broadcasting watchdog, after a risque comment about dwarves backfired.

Carr, who was on the show to promote his Greatest Hits tour, told viewers that he had once come up with a two-word gag.

He said: “I tried to write the shortest joke possible. So, I wrote a two word joke which was: ‘Dwarf shortage’. It’s just so I could pack more jokes into the show.”

He then looked directly at the camera and added: “If you’re a dwarf and you’re offended by that, grow up.”

Read more »

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David Bain Wedding Tweets

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More charges for Rolf Harris

Rolf Harris is is more trouble.

Australian entertainer Rolf Harris faces three more charges of indecent assault against girls in England, English media report.

The new allegations include one against a girl aged “7 or 8”, the BBC reports.

Harris, 83, was charged on August 29 this year with 13 sex offences, including four counts of possessing indecent images of children and nine of indecent assault involving two girls aged 14 and 15 during the 1980s.  Read more »

Fifty Shades of Brown and other jokes

via Twitter

At least no one was hungry, he got chinese and she got two minute noodles.

She thought she called him into the office to talk about elections, not erections.

Len Brown says he works 24/7 for Auckland but now we know it is actually 23 hours 58 minutes.

“I love this city. I love my wife. I love my family. I love my girlfriend.” – Len Brown

Emmett Hussey’s campaign slogan for 2016 “I HAVE NEVER MET A WOMAN AND I DO NOT OWN A PHONE, NO SEX SCANDALS HERE”

New book in Whitcoulls Queen St – “Fifty Shades of Brown”

Shan wants to wring his neck, but the problem is he’d find the choking arousing. 

Down at the Ports of Auckland, there are 100 plus port workers saying “he fucked us too”

When Len said he wanted to build a skyscraper in the middle of Chinatown, we thought he meant a building!   Read more »

A little education joke for Saturday

A ERO school inspector is sent to assess a Year 4 class in a local School. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class, “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question”.

The inspector reasons that normally in this integrated school class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.

He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”  graphic

For a full minute there is absolute silence. Eventually, little Billy raises his hand.

Billy stands up and replies, “Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn’t me”.

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation.

Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says “Well, I’ve known Billy since the start of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it then he didn’t do it”.

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies “I don’t know the boy, but I believe his teacher. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent”.

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and in a rage, dials Read more »

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Obama Won It In How Many Months?

The EU has won a Nobel Peace Prize for bailing themselves out and running out of wars to fight.

The Norwegian prize committee said the EU received the award for six decades of contributions “to the advancement of peace and reconciliation, democracy and human rights in Europe.

“The stabilizing part played by the European Union has helped to transform a once torn Europe from a continent of war to a continent of peace,” Nobel committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland said.

They probably most need the 10 million SEK.

Past winners are listed here.

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Racism

the tipline

A little joke for you all:

Racism! Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days!

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Guinness?”

The shop assistant asks, “Are you Irish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for
German Bratwurst,would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage,would you ask if I was Polish?”

The shop assistant says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you askme if I’m Irish?

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Bunnings’.”

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On Raybon Kan

I note that the story has made the Herald on Sunday.

This post isn’t about the tweet. When I posted it last night I posted it saying I bet he gets in trouble for it. But I can now see where this is story is going and my prediction is it is going nowhere. I’ll tell you why.

In this country it is ok to make jokes about Jews. Muslims no way, but Jews yes. About the Governor-General, no and the jokester must be sacked, but Jews yes. You can’t make jokes about Indian Commonwealth Games preparations but you can about Jews. You can’t make jokes about Maori, but you can about Jews. Jews and the Exclusive Brethren, they are the ones where there is open season for joke telling.

This is the double standard that exists in New Zealand. I doubt we will see UNITE union flunkies protesting outside Raybon Kan’s employer, or boycotting his shows, because all he did was tella  joke that offended some filthy Jews.

No don’t get me wrong, I’m with David Farrar on this issue, but I wonder where the shriekers and yellers from the left that scream racism and take offence at much less are on this issue?

Their silence is telling. Next time they screech in outrage about some joke or another we should point at this case and tell them to STFU.

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He's a smart man that GWB

People mock George W Bush but this is perhaps one of his best bitch-slaps of a numpty media hack.

hat tip Clint Heine.

 

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Is there a Doctor on board?


Recently on an international flight there was a medical emergency. The flight crew were coping but the passenger deteriorated quickly. A decision was made to seek medical assistance from the passengers and so a call was made on the aircraft’s intercom system. You know the call;

“Ladies and Gentlemen, could I have your attention please, If there is a Doctor on board this flight could they please make their whereabouts known to the crew, thank you”

The crew waiting for the usual way that passengers make their whereabouts known, the crew page button. There we no lights, they were in a quandary. The passenger wasn’t looking good and there appeared to be no doctor on board.

Then a small, ruddy faced, grey headed man appeared.

“I am a Doctor, how may I assist”

The crew quickly explained the situation to the ruddy faced, grey headed man who progressivly got first paler and then bright beetroot red, presumably with embarrassment. You see the good Doctor who voluntered to assit in the medical emergency was in fact a Doctor of Social and Economic History.

Before you scoff, this is a true story and happened just a short while ago.

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