Kiwibank

Oh shit, not another referendum

via paulineh.com

via paulineh.com

I think the Asset Sale protestors have been caught napping at their computers.  They have been so busy buying collecting signatures for the power company asset sales referendum, this one has slipped under their radar altogether:

state-owned Kordia has confirmed its retail ISP business, Orcon, is on the block.

“Kordia has been in discussions regarding the sale of Orcon with several parties over a number of months.  Interest in the business intensified following the announcement of the integration with Kordia in November last year,” a spokesman said.

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Gareth Morgan still hates pussy

It is official, Gareth Morgan is not into pussy in any way, shape or form.  Who knows, maybe he was terrified by one as an infant but KiwiBank must be moving quickly to rebrand the under-performing fund they overpaid for.

I have a name suggestion for them, how about “KiwiBank Saver?” I can even do up a logo because at the rate Morgan’s mouth is going, I seriously doubt you will have many customers left.

But proving Morgan must have a taste for public sadomasochism, he has popped up on that soft cock Campbell Live last night.  This time Morgan unleashed his much vaunted phase II master stroke; a $5 bounty on each cat.

If the SPCA are clever, they should send him a bill for every cat they have to euthanize. As you all know I don’t much like cats but I don’t like animal abusers either.  I can see Morgan’s brainless idea unleashing fruitcakes claiming the bounty. This will get nasty since it comes from a desperate mad nasty little man who cannot deduce ‘cause’ from ‘effect’.  Read more »

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Mad Morgan now wants to exterminate Phoenix Fans

Not content with giving those left in his under-performing KiwiSaver fund reasons to ditch it, New Zealand’s foremost economist, philanthropist, soccer coach extraordinaire, feeder of orca and killer of cats, Gareth Morgan, has decided to shoot his other foot off.

The customer is always right Gareth? Apparently not with Morgan who has labelled Phoenix fans “pathetic” and unsophisticated because they want their team to stop being the A-League’s ‘open goal’.

If only the Dom Post had their sports writers doing the news because they would blow Kim DotCon sky high but then again, the sports writers got this by that time honoured tradition of listening to Radio Sport:

“The A-League club’s co-owner, who has admitted in the past that his football knowledge is limited, has also claimed that many fans “don’t know much about the game anyway” and are only thinking about themselves, rather than the long-term viability of the club.”

Good one Gareth. After wanting to exterminate half of your fan’s pets, you now call them drongos for paying good money in other to see their (or rather ‘your’) team get thrashed. You should become a motivational speaker:

“Morgan let rip at fans for wanting “instant gratification”. He said the club’s change in football philosophy, to a more attractive, possession-based passing style, was required for success in the long-term.

No, not if you a). Not have any fans, b). right-size to a public park to fit attendance and c). have decent players avoiding your LOSER team like the plague.

The DomPost says the Phoenix have struggled with this shift, “bizarrely implemented mid-season, and are last”.

Maybe someone ought to remind Morgan what Wellington said of the French after Waterloo (the last time the French put up a decent scrap), “They came on in the same old way and we defeated them in the same old way:”

“But Morgan said they would not be reverting back to their former style, which was based on solid defence and getting balls into the box from the flanks, for the sake of results. Fans would have to put up with “short-term pain”. The bigger picture is far, far more important than the short term,” he said”.

Sir John Kirwan should now send the Blues wooden spoon to the Hurricanes’ Mark Hammett (who must be searching for a new role) given St Gareth used his gains from flogging ‘his’ fund to KiwiBank, to get a slice of the Canes.

I pity the punters who pay money for merchandise, tickets or even, buying a sponsor’s product:

“All some people do is look at the league tables and that’s all there is to the game for them. Well, they’re pathetic really.”

Then again, Gareth threw a wobbly at Morningstar for calling a spade a spade on this erratic clown’s KiwiSaver Fund. St Gareth doesn’t like league tables indeed he is allergic to them maybe because it is about accountability.

“People expect instant gratification or gain with no pain. It’s just pathetic really. I can’t think of any activity where you change like that and there’s not a short-term cost as you go through the changes.”

How about your philanthropic trips abroad, TV appearances, mad schemes to ensure we get overrun by rats and stoats, spending vast sums to fatten up Penguins, calling farmers ‘retards’ and wanting to form Gareth Morgan Farmers to rival Feds. That sounds a lot like “instant gratification” to me.

But he is not done. He goes onto trash the Club’s few remaining supporters as ‘thick’ and somehow thinks ‘his way’ will attract a new wave of supporters. Yeah the opposition to see how much they’ll win by. Can I humbly suggest he actually leaves the coaches to coach and the players to play:

“Fans are a cross section of the public, you know. A lot of them don’t know much about the game anyway and certainly, in my view, think only of themselves, not about the future of the club. This club has got a whole lot of stuff to do in order to be sustainable, and that’s what we’re going to do.”

This little angry man has a Caesar complex. Maybe we should introduce him to Michael Williams in Auckland – I think they would get on like a house on fire.

I never thought I would write this but “Bring back Terry”.

What will Morgan’s big mouth cost him?

Now that Gareth Morgan has upset every animal lover, including every middle aged woman in New Zealand, can we expect some serious capital outflows from his underperforming KiwiSaver fund that bears his name? Why would people want to invest their money with someone who wants to kill all the cats?

And Kiwibank won’t be pleased with the bang up job Gareth is doing on the Kiwisaver fund they bought off Gareth a year ago?

I wonder if there are any clawback provisions for the purchase price since Gareth is now destroying their Kiwisaver brand?

Or has crafty Gareth chosen to open his mouth a full one year after the purchase date, perhaps conveniently outside any clawback date?

The TAB won’t be taking bets on how quickly Kiwibank will rebrand the Mad Moustache Fund into something a little less controversial.

Mad Morgan certainly knows no bounds when doing nutty things. In the last year or so he’s:

 Perhaps Morgan was drunk when he opened his mouth… we can call him Captain Morgan from now on…

Wheedle and Whinging

I’m a little dubious about this new entrant in NZ online auctions - Wheedle.co.nz

Quite apart from having a bit of a failure in the naming stakes.

I wonder that TradeMe is too well entrenched with too big a community for an alternative online auctions site to prosper.

Yet, I see some very defensive comments from Sam Morgan, founder of TradeMe, that betray a bit more than just business commentary.


Being rich clearly does not give you skills transferable to areas outside your domain of competence: http://t.co/Af88M1zV
@samfromwgtn
Sam Morgan

Sam should know.  After all, there was the failure of Pacific Fibre, a company that Sam Morgan was instrumental in funding. Not only did the business fail rather embarrassingly, the subsequent tantrums blaming a government minister, that followed in the hope of corporate handouts could be best described as lacking in dignity.

It might also be applied to the middling to poor performance of Gareth Morgan Kiwisaver funds, of which Sam Morgan was a director until KiwiBank bought them out.

Kiwibank having system problems

Stuff.co.nz

Kiwibank is racing to get its systems working by the critical time of midnight after technical problems threw its services into chaos.

Around 8.30pm spokesman Bruce Thompson said there had been problems with the core banking system throughout the day.

That had affected the bank’s ability to process transactions, and the ability of its customers to get access to their accounts through phone banking and the internet.

This isn’t the only problem that is affecting Kwibank customers. Last week I was contacted by a customer concerned about a serious privacy issue with their online money management tool called Heaps!

The customer had a conversation with them it turns out that there is a major issue with their system in that customers retain access to account information even where the account has been closed.

His situation was that he had cancelled his access to a joint credit card following a marriage break up. However through the Heaps! website he is able to view details of that credit card as it is still being used by his ex-wife.

He tells me that Kiwibank currently do not have a solution to the problem.

I called Kiwibank and was put in touch with several people, they wanted more information and refused to comment on the record. Kiwibank asked for the customer details. I didn’t have permission to do that but informed Kiwibank that I would pass on their contact details if they emailed me. Some four days later Kiwibank finally got around to emailing me. Clearly they don’t consider this to be important.

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Make him chair of Kiwi Rail too, Tony

Dominion Post

Michael Cullen has cost this country literally billions because of his inane financial decisions. The latest election bribe of him and Jim Anderton is all over the news right now:

NZ Post has warned 2012 is crunch time, with the state-owned enterprise needing hundreds of millions of dollars in capital for subsidiary Kiwibank as well as flexibility to cut store numbers and halt post delivery on some days.

In a toughly worded letter to State-owned Enterprises Minister Tony Ryall, NZ Post chairman Michael Cullen said most short-term fixes had been exhausted.

The only short-term fixes that Michael Cullen knows are to raid the taxpayers piggy banks, pick their pockets, and scratch around down the back of the sofa for spare cash. There is none.

Best that some facts are faced and Kiwibank starts paying its way or it will be sold…and who better to make that recommendation to the Minister than the putz that caused all this grief in the first place.

Tony Ryall can then appoint Cullen to Kiwirail too and get him to turn that around since he blew a billion on buying a clapped out load of scrap steel.

KiwiSaver happy returns? Not if you’re with Gareth Morgan

KiwiSaver turned 5 years old yesterday - so says Andrew Gawith, one of the lead managers of Gareth Morgan KiwiSaver (recently bought out by Kiwibank because Gareth dislikes running a big business, and prefers fattening orcas up with tasty penguin treats)

“Many Happy Returns” says Gawith.

Presumably he doesn’t mean the returns of Gareth Morgan Kiwisaver that are happy. Nor does he suggest that those who entrusted their funds with GMI are happy about their returns either.

That’s because those returns were so shocking in the Morningstar calculations, that Morgan jumped up and down and removed his fund from the Morningstar analysis, conveniently preventing future investors from assessing GMI on a like-for-like basis with other funds.

So if you like your KIwiSaver funds building up, then bully for you and I hope you have a happy retirement. And if you are scratching your head over your unhappy returns, pick up the phone and have it out with your KiwiSaver provider.

Play of the Day

There was an interesting development today Question Time today where John Key stood and asked a supplementary question, it was loaded and it delivered a smackdown for Winston Peters.

To be fair to Winston, in today’s Play Of The Day I have included a clip where he explains his position on selling shares in Kiwibank… and what he said to Michael Cullen about foreign ownership of public assets…

Winston Peters really does have his own idiolect. He still denies that he supports the Mixed Ownership Model.

Gareth Morgan sells to Kiwibank

Good on old Gareth Morgan who has sold out his KiwiSaver fund to KiwiBank. Here’s hoping it was nice and lucrative for him so he can continue to fund the funerals of homeless people, and provide fattened penguins to South Seas orcas.

That’s tongue in cheek. It is nice to see anyone get rich, or richer.

But since Gareth Morgan has been calling for a capital gains tax, I invite him to do as he preaches, and pay some of his capital gain for his business back to the government. IRD helpfully has an online provision for this.

After all, as Gareth lectured us in the Herald in July of this year:

“The principle of taxation is that those with the greatest ability to pay tax should shoulder the greatest burden and those with the least should be the greatest beneficiaries of State redistribution.”

Get on with it Gareth. Lead by example. Pay out 28% of your capital gain on GMI to the state.

Cheers, and thanks again for your generosity. First penguins, then Blanketmen, then this selfless act of self-taxation. Homeless people and desperate penguins are counting on you.