Maori Affairs Select Committee

Maori troughers at the ready....get set...

bureaucracy

Well, well well, what have we found here. It seems the MOH is wanting to hand out potentially hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to “investigate Maori tobacco control”. Hang on a minute, isn’t that a job for the MOH. Oh silly me, of course not. Let’s fire out a government tender and dole out taxpayer money by the trough-full to people who never have and who will never be able to measure any success or reduction in the number of Maori smoking rates. But hey, we need to look as though we’re doing something.

But wait, isn’t the Maori Affairs Select Committee holding an inquiry into the tobacco industry and trying to come up with new innovative solutions? The answer to this is yes, but the MOH knows far better than the MPs on this Select Committee and, at the end of the day we (the poor taxpayer via MoH) will be the ones who have to control this, so lets get in early. Plus it will help us in our relationship with Auntie Turia and Honest Hone for sure.

So what’s all the fuss about? Have a look at the Services specification. Wow, haven’t we seen this before???

1. Facilitate another series of hui to “scope out the Terms of Reference of the Maori Tobacco Control Steering Group” Read that as travel to exotic locations to discuss tobacco issues, such as Hawaii, New York etc
2. Set up a Steering Group of Maori tobacco control leaders and/or tobacco control sector leaders. Let me guess, veteran trougher Shane Kawenata Bradbrook?
3. Support the Steering Group with secretariat and project management services. We can really cream it here, bro, all the cuzzies can score a “job”.
   
4. Undertake sector scoping exercise… including a stocktake of Maori tobacco control services and a needs analysis of the Maori tobacco control sector. Mmm isn’t that the role of the MOH, or are they incompetent?
5. Build effective network including face to face communication that’s supported at national, regional and district levels. Chooooice, free travel around the country to see the whaaanau…sweet azzz bro.
6. Develop strategic plan…which will enable informed decision making by the MOH. Shit bro, that’s a bit of work, never mind our white cuzzies in the Smokefree Coalition will do that for us, for a little bit of kai and some brown envelopes.

But they must have to deliver something for the hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars about to be doled out. Let’s take a look…

Key outcomes

Oh how choice is this bro? Here’s what we have to deliver…

1. Raise awareness of Smokefree lifestyles. Sweet azz…that’s so easy bro
2. Bash a few mokupuna who have been caught smoking out the back of the Marae and say we’ve prevented the uptake of smoking among Maori youth
3. Travel on the taxpayer around the country, waving tinorangitanga flags, have some koreo and kai with the distant whaaaaanau and charge it all to the government. Maybe they could give us those cool azz credit cards like Parekura used to have?
4. Bring a Maori voice to inform public debate about Smokefree Aotearoa – We’ll get Shane Kawenata Bradbrook to do that – he’s an expert bro
5. Build on our knowledge of how to trough the $57 million the government throws at trying to stop people from smoking, and we should be able to wrangle some choooooice business class seats to exotic destinations like Shane does.

Only problem, cuzzies is that this contract is only for a year, azz if bro… but (smirk), bro don’t worry about that cos Auntie Turia will look after us…

But wait, there’s more, and this is the really, really good bit. We can set the price for all our extensive and hard work we haven’t even done yet! Cool one bro. Shit, if Shane can get $250,000 per year, we must be able to get a bit more than that?

Let’s get into the trough. Whoooho

(P.S. Don’t tell Ryall or Key about this and we’ll say it’s all part of Auntie Turia’s Whanau Ora policy and hide it in there).