“What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight?”
Every time I travel I sit on planes praying that the fatties coming down the aisle just keep on moving…I shudder to think about how some of them even manage to sit down, let alone use a tray table.
If they have to use a seat belt extension I think they are probably too large to travel. Have a thought about this poor bastard then.
As rage letters go, they don’t come much more furious than the epistle sent to an Australian airline by a passenger seated next to a man as big as ‘an infant hippopotamus’ and who smelled like ‘blue cheese’ and a ‘Mumbai slum’.
Traveller Rich Wisken wrote on a blog that he paid an extra $A25 (£13.50) for an exit row seat, expecting to travel from Perth to Sydney with more room than a normal economy seat.
But he found himself seated beside an obese man, leaving him to feel that he was pinned to his seat ‘by a fleshy boulder.’
When he tried to change seats, he found those that were empty were taken by passengers who had stretched themselves out to lie in comfort.
Mr Wisken returned to his exit row seat and ‘it was then I realised that my fate was sealed.
‘I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt (the blob creature in Star Wars) and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning.’
It might be gathered by now that Mr Wisken was not at all happy with the four-and-a-half-hour flight and has penned a furious letter to the airline, Jetstar, a subsidiary of Qantas.
Of course it was Jetstar.
What made his ordeal worse was to find that two days later a flight to Melbourne he’d book with the airline was cancelled, as was a rescheduled flight.
On his third attempt, the flight was delayed for two hours.
On receiving his angry, but humorous, letter of complaint, Jetstar emailed him with an offer of a $A100 (£54) voucher in compensation, Sydney’s Daily Telegraph reports today.
‘Awesome work, Jetstar!’ he wrote.
‘Two of my flights in the past two days have been cancelled. You’re so lucky that my favourite pastime is wasting both time and money getting to and from airports.
‘Imagine how annoyed someone who doesn’t LOVE wasting time and money would feel about this situation. Man, I’d hate to be that guy…’
This is the start of his email to Jetstar.
Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.