suicide

This post is from someone I know. I never got an inkling all this was going on in her life, to all intents and purposes the facade of happiness always was on show. I finally knew some of the details when she asked me about my depression and how I fought it off. I still never knew as much as she has shared here until the post arrived in my inbox.

I am very proud of her for writing this, it would have been very difficult. Hopefully now though with it all written down it is all in the past…that is certainly my experience.

All the names in this story have been changed, but it is about depression and the effects on her. It takes a lot to fight depression, it takes even more to actually share it with others.

I remember the first time I ever really thought about killing myself. This wasn’t the half arsed, self indulgent idea that most of us have thought about once or twice in our teens. This was the deadly intention of a desperate individual before a last ditch attempt at saving a relationship that was surely but slowly, making me lose my will to live. It chilled me to the bone in a way I had never truly felt before, my closest glimpse of death. I think that no one who hasn’t felt it can really understand. I hope that you won’t ever have to understand.

Tossing and turning in the spare bedroom of a friend’s house with my head swimming in wine, it was my third stay there of a similar nature. I drifted everywhere then. My parent’s, my brother’s, four different best friends. My clothes were scattered all over town, though not in a dodgy way. They, who had all helped me pick up the pieces of myself each time I tried to leave him, only to have me escape away in the night to throw myself back into the meat grinder of Blake and his heinous toxicity. I wasn’t even with close friends that night. Everyone else was sick of me, you see. I saw myself through their eyes. Weak, unable to live without my pathetic excuse for a man. Didn’t I have any respect at all for myself? It made me sick.

Torn between indecision (a classic symptom of depression) I thought, ‘What if it doesn’t work out this time?’ I clung onto hope, you see. I cursed it’s eternal spring, coursing through my neurotic veins. ‘Well… well… if it doesn’t work out this time, I’ll just kill myself. Simple as that.’ After days of messages and flower deliveries to my work I texted him, right on midnight. His birthday. The start of our third year together.

I woke the next morning free from the cloying effect of wine (always a disappointment), with the familiar choking dread settling, the first thing I felt every morning – an impending sense of doom. And a double dose of Loxamine. I tripped on the cat on the first step downstairs, my head foggy. I fell the whole way down. I lay there for a few moments – as you always do after a nasty collision to check you haven’t broken yourself – the physical pain barely registering. I remembered my late night ultimatum. But gone was my resolve, I had to get to work. I dismissed the drunken memory, the wine dulling its intensity. I put it out of my mind, it was forgotten.

It had barely begun.  Read more »

Quite a bit of effort went into this web site.

Meet Dr Rich Mahogany, the inventor of Gentlemental Health.

Behind this unique presentation is actually some serious stuff.  It uses humour very effectively to act as a Trojan Horse and encourage men to have a bit of a read about things they normally just don’t think about:  depression and suicide.   Read more »

Imagine you’re about to hurl yourself off a bridge.  But you have doubts.  You see the sign saying there is hope, and all I have to do is call.

Then you open the door on the box that has the phone in it, and see that sign.

What do you do now?   Read more »

This is what actually happens with gun control laws:

Meanwhile John Howard has spoken about Australia’s handling of gun control and misses the point completely as does anyone else who equate Australia with the USA:  Read more »

Yesterday afternoon:

 Police and other emergency services spent the afternoon at the scene of what was described as a “serious and ongoing incident” at the Sky Tower in central Auckland City.

Police staff negotiated with the man who was on the ledge of level 54 at the location of the SkyJump cable-controlled base jump operation.

A large crowd of onlookers gathered at the scene and surrounding streets, including Federal Street and Victoria Street West, were cordoned off.

Read more »

People jump to conclusions way to fast. A case in point is the hounding of two DJ after a mentally ill nurse used some pressure as a reason to top herself:

The nurse who committed suicide after answering a hoax call about the Duchess of Cambridge had been treated for depression after a previous suicide attempt, it was claimed yesterday.

Jacintha Saldanha, who killed herself days after the hoax phone call from two Australian radio DJs, was admitted to a hospital psychiatric ward following two apparent suicide bids.

She reportedly took an overdose of pills during a family visit to India last December and tried to commit suicide again just nine days later by jumping from a building.

Mrs Saldanha, 46, was kept in intensive care for two days before she received psychiatric care and was reportedly prescribed a nine-month course of anti-depressants.

Her family has previously denied any history of depression, and yesterday refused to comment on the reports about her previous suicide attempts in Mangalore, southern India.

They have sent letters to the Australian radio station which broadcast the hoax and King Edward VII Hospital in London, where Mrs Saldanha worked and the Duchess of Cambridge was treated for acute morning sickness.

The grieving family asked if there was any indication that the nurse was under ‘increased pressure or stress’ in the weeks before her death, or if she was ‘spoken to’ by a matron by telephone a day after the prank call.

Mrs Saldanha was found hanged with a scarf at her living quarters at the Central London hospital on December 7.

As I said at the time, the only person responsible for her death was her. No one else. The radio DJs couldn’t possible know that this woman was utterly fragile.

The online outrage was ridiculous…and I said so at the time.

Note one other thing…the brutal honesty of UK reporting. In New Zealand this sort of reporting in stories about suicide is forbidden…our laws need updating.

I have watched with incredulity the building outrage against two radio show hosts who played a prank and who have subsequently have been blamed for a nurse taking her own life.

I have had screaming arguments with friends and family over this very issue in the past two days as they gleeful seek “revenge” against the radio hosts. Some have even suggested the best thing they could do is end their own lives…missing the irony of the situation in their outrage.

Now some will suggest I am a heartless bastard for even suggesting that nothing should be done. But consider this, as I have done, from another perspective.

We are far to quick to lay blame and seek explanation from people for wrong that happen in life. If we can blame then we can wash our hands of guilt, or somehow make ourselves feel better that despite a desperate situation for one person that there is someone to blame.

This is erroneous thinking…and one unfortunately conditioned into us with the advent of the all knowing and caring state…where things happen but it is ok because someone else is to blame and the state will fix it. It is rubbish thinking.

From my perspective I have much happen in my life that I could have taken my own life…and people would have been able to point the finger at someone else.

I could have killed myself when my business failed…and people could have blamed my thieving business partner.

I could have killed myself when in the darkness of depression…and people could have blamed the medication, the treatment, or indeed depression itself.

I could have killed myself when Fidelity Life unilaterally ended my claim against all medical advice causing me to lose our house, essentially impoverishing me, unable to fight them through lack of funds…and then someone could have blamed the insurance company.

I could have killed myself when I was coming off the medication I was forced to take so that an insurance company to have the proper forms filled out…because the only way to deal with depression is to take drugs apparently…and then blamed the same insurance company and the drug companies for the evil side effects.

I could have killed my self when the Herald on Sunday ran a nasty story about me….and then Kathryn Powley would have been blamed for ending my life.

I could have killed myself in the dark days of despair and loneliness that I felt in the days after my mother died.

And I could have killed myself in dealing with a psychopathic, vexatious litigant intent on causing me as much financial harm as possible…who even sent letters demanding my appearance in court the day my mother died saying it was tough she was ill but too bad he would show any consideration…and then he could have been blamed as well.

These are just a few of the incidences in recent years where contemplating ending it has entered my thoughts. Quite literally there are hundreds of nasty emails, voicemail messages and texts that have come my way in the years I have been blogging that are far worse than a prank call from a radio station that I too could have used as an excuse to end my life…some of those messages actually tell me it would be best if I killed myself.

Even today I am worth more dead than alive. I still struggle with depression and dark thoughts are never far away. I have not killed myself because…well I don’t really know why I haven’t…other than own personal beliefs around the issue, and that no matter how dark and awful things get I always seem to be able to see some hope. I certainly gave up blaming anyone else a long time ago.

But…as this story unfolds in the UK and Australia I find myself wondering why no one is looking at the actual person responsible.

The only person responsible for the ending through self harm of ones life is the person who actually kills themselves. Suicide is one of the most selfish, self centred, egotistical acts of violence that we see. It isn’t a cry for help it is a final…well look at what I did then.

Until we confront suicide and deal with it in a realistic manner then we will all continue to lay the blame at the wrong feet.

If we are to say that the radio host are responsible then what we are saying is that no media, not print, not radio, not television should ever interview, speak with or indeed prank with anyone until they have seen a full mental health certificate of the intended interviewee or prank victim.

It is flawed thinking to blame anyone else other than the person who killed themselves. No one can ever know the mental health status of any person they are talking to…to now attribute blame is flawed logic and will not assist in any way, shape or form in understanding and dealing with suicide.

We need to grow up and stop reacting so emotively.

In commenting on this post please try and look logically and pragmatically at the issue rather than rush to silly emotive rantings.

Earlier I posted the video of Amanda Todd, the teen who killer herself after serious cyber bullying. Now Kids React have made a video of teens watching Amanda Todd’s video and then discuss the issues.

This is why we need changes to the Coroner Act so people can actually work through issues. The current Act is archaic and isn’t helping.

The reaction video from The Fine Brothers, who won an Emmy for best viral video series in June for the popular Kids React To YouTube series, showcases a range of emotional responses from teens.

The teens watch Amanda detail her brushes with bullying and then are told about her suspected suicide.

“They all felt so completely alone in this fight and struggle against this huge problem, and felt with the advent of Internet, laptops and smartphones, you can never escape being bullied anymore,” Benny Fine tells Mashable.

via Mashable

If you need help there is masses of resources at Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand:

The Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand video series was developed to help people at risk of suicide, those who are close to them and those who have lost significant people through suicide. The videos give you facts and very practical ways of preventing suicide.

The six videos in the series each cover a different topic:

Recognisable warning signs

Risk factors

Caring for someone suicidal

Coping with bereavement

Suicide in communities

Common myths about suicide

The video series discusses the subject of suicide in some depth. If you think you may be distressed by this material, please have someone with you as a support while you watch the videos.

The media are reporting that the well liked and top lawyer Greg King is dead.

High-profile lawyer Greg King has been found dead beside his car in Wellington.

King, who recently defended Ewen McDonald, accused of murdering his brother-in-law Scott Guy in 2010, was discovered lying face down at the bottom of Dungarvan Rd in Newlands, about 10.30am this morning.

Detective Inspector Paul Basham said police did not believe King’s death was suspicious and the matter had been referred to the coroner.

The Lower Hutt lawyer was involved in over 40 murder cases, including Scott Watson, John Barlow and Clayton Weatherston.

He was one of , if not the most, respected criminal defence lawyers in NZ.

His death is a huge loss to the legal fraternity, and those who knew him well. And his family most of all.

His death has been reported as non-suspicious and referred to the coroner, which is the journalistic euphemism for suicide. I personally struggle with the concept that people kill themselves for whatever reason…it is tragic.

My thoughts go out to his wife with two young daughters.

Amanda Todd committed suicide in Canada last week, just before she killed herself she posted a video on Youtube.

from Wikipedia:

Amanda Michelle Todd (November 27, 1996 – October 10, 2012) was a Canadian teenager who committed suicide attributed to cyber-bullying through the social networking website Facebook. On 7 September 2012, Todd posted a video on YouTube in which she used a series of flash cards to tell of her experience of being blackmailed, bullied, and physically assaulted. In it she mentions sending an image of her breasts to a man who later circulated it around the internet.

Shortly before 6:00 pm on October 10, 2012, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were called to her home in Port Coquitlam, to investigate what they refer to as a “sudden death”. They have since launched a full investigation into Todd’s death. Police are conducting interviews, reviewing content at social media sites, and are actively monitoring pages.

Christy Clark, the Premier of British Columbia, made an online statement of condolence suggesting a national discussion be made discussing criminalizing cyber-bullying.

The video is powerful:

Meanwhile Anonymous claims to have outed her bully:

Accusations are being made in the suicide death of Amanda Todd through videos and messages claiming to be from the online activist group Anonymous, which says it knows the identity of the girl’s stalker.

They have named a Vancouver-area man, saying on an online post “at the most this is the person who did this to Amanda Todd, and at the least it’s another pedophile that enjoys taking advantage of children.”

Todd, 15, committed suicide Wednesday following years of bullying and detailed in a YouTube video last month how the harassment began after an online stalker sent nude images of her to “everyone” she knew.

Mounties are currently investigating past and present social media links connected to Todd.

An online user name, with unclear ties to a New Westminster, B.C., address, is referenced in multiple clippings compiled by Anonymous from several websites over the years. One website suggests the user “blackmailed” and gave advice to girls.

The same user name is tied to a forum for teen sexuality, the post reads, and another website with a “jailbait” photo gallery.

“We have brought this announcement forwards solely for the purpose of releasing Amanda Todd’s punisher’s identity,” said a YouTube video posted Monday, claiming to be from Anonymous.

“Below, you will find a URL to the man’s DOX. In there, you will see various information about said person.”

The post also details how a group — which doesn’t openly list any affiliation to Anonymous — has labelled the online user as “Blackmailer of the year” in a video posted in January last year.

If you need help there is masses of resources at Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand:

The Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand video series was developed to help people at risk of suicide, those who are close to them and those who have lost significant people through suicide. The videos give you facts and very practical ways of preventing suicide.

The six videos in the series each cover a different topic:

Recognisable warning signs

Risk factors

Caring for someone suicidal

Coping with bereavement

Suicide in communities

Common myths about suicide

The video series discusses the subject of suicide in some depth. If you think you may be distressed by this material, please have someone with you as a support while you watch the videos.