Guest Post – Jane Andrews

Two men to rule the nation

Sunday, November 9 – and the nation has woken up to the ultimate electoral hangover. In a – to say the least – surprise result beer bong enthusiasts Bill and Ben are holding the balance of power. The pundits definitely did not predict this one.

Most people didn’t think Bill and Ben would even make the 0.1 per cent threshold but they have confounded the commentariat and edged up over the magical 5 per cent mark. Those in the know put it down to their behind-the-scenes polling expert Bruce Rover. In a cunning and far-sighted move Rover targeted male binge drinkers in provincial New Zealand for their list votes. Most of these guys don’t normally even bother to enroll but Rover set up a team of ne’er do well alcoholics to spread the message in towns like Taumaranui, Dannevirke and Gore.

Bill and Ben’s cell phones are clogged with messages from Helen and John. Bill is preparing to head up to Omaha to talk turkey with Key in his multi-million dollar beachside mansion while Ben will pay a visit to Helen’s Mt Eden villa for a detailed policy discussion periodically interrupted by Helen’s husband Peter with teas and scones. The nation holds its breath – will Bill and Ben go left or right? One thing’s for sure – whichever way they go we can expect a halt to the move to tighter liquor licensing laws.

One of the beer bong enthusiast pair’s non-negotiable issues is likely to be the creation of special legal marijuana zones in rural parts of Northland and the East Coast. Tourism NZ is behind this one and is encouraging entrepreneurial local Maori to set up marijuana cafes which will be heavily frequented by German and Scandinavian backpackers. The backpackers will get so stoned that other entrepreneurial local Maori will be able to steal their Swiss army knives and sell them back to them the next day in their thrift shops.

In more complex areas such as competition and regulatory law Bill & Ben are less sure. However Bill has suggested getting all the top business brains in the country into one room to smoke an ounce of the finest hydro and then come up with some really weird world leading policy.

The two are also currently unsure about which baubles of office they have their eyes on. Ben is keen on taking up where Winston Peters left off in foreign affairs. He’s keen on flying to Britain and setting up a meeting with Ali G on immigration issues to figure out how to attract the best poontang to New Zealand. The Middle East peace process also interests Ben and – in his second term – he wants to head to Tel Aviv to see if he can sort it out. Bill wants finance – or failing that at least economic development.

But whichever way they go the nation can rest assured that its future is in safe hands. Bruce Rovers’ next mission is to set up a team of genetic cloning experts to create a super politician to stand for the Bill and Ben party in 2012. The team will look to combine the intellect of Helen Clark the details-nous of Bill Birch, the mongrel of Trevor Mallard and the savior-faire of Winston Peters into the ultimate political animal.

By Jane Andrews


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