English calls for new economic indicators based on scrotums

Bill English says the economy can be measured with his ball sackBill English said the bitter chill of the recession had left New Zealand temporarily embarrassed but stressed the NZ economy was becoming increasingly testicular.

He said: “Ever since I was a wee Southland school boy I have been lucky enough to have an ice cold bath every morning. And today, as I lay there reading the most recent GDP figures, I had a sudden revelation.I immediately shouted ‘Whammo!’, leapt out of the bath and took this picture of my ballsack.”

Mr English then unveiled a 10 foot square photograph of his badly shrivelled scrotum,adding: “You see what I mean?”

“Therefore, I endeavour to check my scrotum on the hour, every hour, to gain new insight into the state of our fragile economy”, said Mr English.

But the Finance Minister warned there could be no change in policy insisting scrotums could not be unshrivelled by waving a magic wand and urged consumers to treat theeconomy to the warm water and baggy, brightly patterned swimming shorts of increased spending.

He added: “While Australia struts around in tight jeans showing off its burgeoning packet,our once proud national balls continues to recede like a Chatham Island swimmer’s.”

“We must stay the course. We cannot simply turn a hairdryer on ourselves as I’m pretty sure we would get badly burned or get our penises trapped in the mechanism.”

The scrotum theory supersedes all of Mr English’s previous economic metaphors including the need for spending cuts in 2010 and quantitative easing in 2008.

Statement embargoed by Treasury until 6am, April 1st.


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story.  And when he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

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