Labour Leaks – Dear Chris

New Zealand Labour Party

Attn: Chris Flatt

Dear Chris,

In response to your letter dated 15th of this month, I agree to take the steps you require on the following terms:

  1. You resign immediately.
  2. Trevor Mallard resigns as the candidate for Hutt South and is replaced by my old mate Darren Hughes who has been treated so shabbily by the Labour Party.
  3. Darren agrees to only wear Swazi clothing for the next year, and gets his uncle to take me shooting.
  4. Annette King agrees to do a full televised makeover with Gok Wan to be televised before the election.
  5. Fred Dagg gets his rightful position at the top of the Labour Party List. In perpetuity.
  6. Parliament’s dress code is amend so Fred can wear his normal attire in parliament.
  7. Labour stop persecuting Murray McCully for rooting just because he does it without swiss balls.
  8. Sir Les Patterson is given the second place on the Labour list and the Arts portfolio.
  9. Helen Clark becomes Dame Helen in the New Years Honours list.
  10. Nicky Hager is to be the arbiter of whether you have kept your side of the bargain, and once you have I will give him full access to all my records.

I am sure you will find all my demands reasonable, as they are carefully thought out and principled.

Could you please indicate when you will have your side completed so I can plan to keep my side. Please note that I am willing to negotiate except on points 2 and 5 where I think it is vital for the National interest that both Darren Hughes and Fred Dagg sit in the next parliament.

Yours faithfully


Cameron Slater (Whaleoil)


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  • michaels

    Not so sure about point 9.

    • devlsadvocate

      We have the technology. We can make it happen.

      • tooright

        No worries; make her a Sir. She has the voice.

  • statlerandwaldorf

    This is bullshit. Put up the fucken donor’s list.

  • rouppe


  • Ciaron

    9a: Hellen and Pete come out of the closet.

  • You’re mad AND bad :-)

  • dingo8baby

    And the shark has been jumped.

  • tooright

    Beautiful to read. Brilliant.

  • Crack up – you are a shocker Mr S.

  • liberty

    Please add to that very reasonable list
    Deliver the head on a spike. Of the persons
    Who stole Don Brash’s email.

    • Stole, Liberty? Can’t possibly have been stolen, since they were handed across to Hager, Liarbore and various other nefarious creatures by the current Deputy PM and Minister of Finance!

  • You are a very naughty boy and I am going to spank you when you get home WO.

    • P.S I dearly hope that their Hit men are as incompetent as their IT guys.

    • lcmortensen

      Sorry, it’s illegal to smack or spank – Section 59 of the Crimes Act.


      • tooright

        Another of your useless laws lc; however BTW, if you read it and understood it (I know comprehension is difficult for pinkos as you only react to direction) you would see it applies to Parental control of a child. Neither WO nor SB are children.

  • jabba

    I have seen Gok’s programs but there are limits to what he can do

  • thor42

    Very reasonable demands, WO – every single one of them……

  • sandynobb

    I recommend that any individual Labour donor who believes that their privacy was breached complain to the Privacy Commissioner. This breach was caused by Labour’s incompetence (and / or whomever they outsource their IT to) .

  • liberty

    Are you taking the piss or have you have been sucked in with labours spin. Because when you are leading in the polls. Just about to become the government you don’t kick own goals.

  • whalewatcher

    I liked it when Gok Wan was on TV in UK last year, and another guy said he was very scared of a gay man whose name was an acronym for ‘Go Wank’ – hilarious

    Bring back Fred Dagg/John Clark for premier .

  • glenn

    ANAGRAM, cretin, not acronym!

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