Labour Leaks – Dear Chris

New Zealand Labour Party

Attn: Chris Flatt

Dear Chris,

In response to your letter dated 15th of this month, I agree to take the steps you require on the following terms:

  1. You resign immediately.
  2. Trevor Mallard resigns as the candidate for Hutt South and is replaced by my old mate Darren Hughes who has been treated so shabbily by the Labour Party.
  3. Darren agrees to only wear Swazi clothing for the next year, and gets his uncle to take me shooting.
  4. Annette King agrees to do a full televised makeover with Gok Wan to be televised before the election.
  5. Fred Dagg gets his rightful position at the top of the Labour Party List. In perpetuity.
  6. Parliament’s dress code is amend so Fred can wear his normal attire in parliament.
  7. Labour stop persecuting Murray McCully for rooting just because he does it without swiss balls.
  8. Sir Les Patterson is given the second place on the Labour list and the Arts portfolio.
  9. Helen Clark becomes Dame Helen in the New Years Honours list.
  10. Nicky Hager is to be the arbiter of whether you have kept your side of the bargain, and once you have I will give him full access to all my records.

I am sure you will find all my demands reasonable, as they are carefully thought out and principled.

Could you please indicate when you will have your side completed so I can plan to keep my side. Please note that I am willing to negotiate except on points 2 and 5 where I think it is vital for the National interest that both Darren Hughes and Fred Dagg sit in the next parliament.

Yours faithfully


Cameron Slater (Whaleoil)

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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

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