Assad has a shocker

Foreign Policy

Wikileaks has released some emails from Syria and Basher al-Assad and his thoughts about the English language. Best bet is for him concentrate on learning Russian, they are the only people who won’t stick him in jail for a very, very long time.

Bashar al-Assad appears to be an avid student, and critic, of English. It’s not exactly George Orwell’s “Politics and the English Language,” but the Syrian presidentforwarded the following Internet joke to his translator with the subject line “ENGLISH IS A STUPID LANGUAGE!”

Let’s face it. English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.

We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is nighther from Guinea nor is it aa pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways,
And drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day,
And cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill IN a form
By filling it OUT.
And a bell is only heard once it GOES!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why when the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why is it that when I wind up my watch, it starts,
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends!!!!

Assad also seems to have a fascination with American idioms (admittedly tricky devils). In another email to his translator, he includes a multiple-choice quiz with such questions as:  “My friend likes hardcore trance music but it’s not (my preference).” A) my cup of tea B) a fine kettle of fish C) the icing on the cake D) the cream of the crop.


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  • Rodger T

    I suspect Assad and his wife will be doing an impression of Mussolini and Clara in the not to distant future if they don`t scarper smartish like.

    • Pukakidon

       Hes in deep with Iran, I would say he already as an escape that way with his American wife.

  • Guest

    Dont like Assad and his politics, but hes right the English language is completely mental, I only realised this once I had children of my own and then started to teach them to read and write.
    Assad is right it makes no sense.

    • TravisPoulson

      I’m sure he’d lovingly accommodate you in Syria 

    • Dumrse

      I recall my military days where “Beds will be made up as laid down in standing orders…”

  • Napalm in the Morning

    Syria as a country, had I think 21 Govts in its first 24 years  settled down after a bit of dictatorship. Democracy does not seem to work that well when you have varying tribes/religions in those countries with strong sunni/ shia  discord. Who said there was problems in Syria apart from USA/UK and Eurozone ( who wants a gas pipeline to go through Syria and Turkey) Who supplied the weapons to the so called rebels and lets piss off Iran and see how far we can push them. It just sounds like more bulshit to keep everybody off footed to keep USgov and Military on top. I think the other day it was reported that 30 or 40 Alawite were murdered by Assads troops , I thought they supported the GOV so why would the kill them. I get the feeling that the info we are getting about Syria is crap 

  • vekua

    So wotif the “Occupy Crowd” had slaughtered 120 Police last June 2011 ?

  • AnonWgtn

    I think his wife is English, and he was medically trained and lived in London.
    Thought I read that his wife and family were stopped at the exit border.
    But I still believe she is a British citizen and cannot be stopped from entry as such to anywhere EC.