Ten Assholes up for Re-election

Vice magazine has a post about 10 assholes up for re-election in 2012. it is a bi-partisan list with 5 Republicans and 5 Democrats.

In the American political landscape, there is a constant stream of assholes who deal in varying degrees of lies and bullshit. Lately, everybody has been focusing on the assholes at the top of the ticket, Mitt and Barack, but there are a slew of Republicans and Democrats up for re-election this Novemeber who personify what it means to be a human anal cavity.

I’ve singled out five Republican and five Democratic candidates who are the cream of the buttcrack crop.

Seems there is a healthy degree of disgust with the politician there.

The list is:

Don Young (R-Alaska)

Kirsten Gillibrand (D-New York)

To many, Kirsten Gillibrand is a liberal foot soldier. To others in the know, Kirsten profited off of her position in Congress to make money during the housing market collapse, then turned around and led the introduction of the STOCK Act, a bill which prevents members of congress from trading on inside information.

Lamar Smith (R-Texas)

Of all the GOP assholes in this post, Lamar Smith, a Representative of Texas’s 21st Congressional District, stands as one of the most powerful. He was the principle architect of SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and H.R. 1981 (a federal pedophile database), both of which stem from his belief that IP content pirates and pedobears are the gravest threat to American national security. So what if both SOPA and H.R. 1981 could essentially lay the groundwork for an Orwellian state?

Joe Biden (D-Vice President)

Yes, Barack is the one running but Joe is still on the ticket. Considering his inability to keep his trap shut, Joe is a jackass of the first order. What sort of public figure claims to have known three presidents “intimately”? Tell us more, Joe. What was it like to have Bill Clinton inside you?

A few weeks ago in Danville, Virginia, Joe adopted a southern drawl, telling the African-American crowd that Mitt’s deregulatory policies would “put y’all back in chains.” The remark even got many Democrats wondering if Joe had some sort of break with reality. There are far better ways to criticize Mitt’s deregulatory policies without invoking slavery.

Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota)

Pete Stark (D-California)

Todd Akin (R-Missouri)

Todd Akin is to the definition of “rape” what Bill Clinton was to the definition of “is.” His observations are, in a word, surreal. But maybe he’d feel differently about the whole thing if he was ever bent over and “legitimately” ass-blasted. Or maybe he’d find solace that, in terms of buttbabies, the body has a way of “shutting that whole thing down.”

Harry Reid (D-Nevada)

Harry Reid is a fuckin’ idiot, OK? The man occupies the Senate’s most powerful position and he’s been completely ineffective at communicating a progressive platform. Not only that, he would have probably lost his seat had the GOP voters not decided to nominate the loony, unelectable Sharron Angle to oppose him.

And while everyone knows Mitt Romney pays a criminally low tax rate, Harry very publicly suggested that Mitt hasn’t paid taxes at all in ten years. He cited an anonymous source at Bain Capital, who could just as easily have been a figment of his imagination.

James Sensenbrenner (R-Wisconsin)

Jimmy the Pig also crafted a piece of internet regulation known as IPPA (Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2006), which benefitted copyright holders at the expense of fair use, and then suggested that terrorists were selling bootlegged movies to finance their evil plots.

Jan Pauls (D-Kansas State Legislature)

Jan Pauls deserves special recognition for her anti-gay, pro-life stance, which are interesting views for a Democrat to hold. It should be no surprise that Jan is so devout, she lives in an abandoned church.


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