The amazing list of things extracted from people’s anal cavity

Vice has an article by a doctor about the things she has had to do to remove all nature of items from the rectal cavities of patients:

As we have seen with the vagina and penis, people will insert any available object into any available hole, and the anus is by far the favorite. We get at least five a week with non-kosher shit up their ass. The only real pleasure in treating patients with foreign objects in their anuses is listening to their excuses. One man claimed he kept his cucumbers in the shower, and had slipped and landed on it, hence why it was irretrievably lost in his anal passage.

Rectal vegetables are not unusual. The only limitation of the range of objects found in the anus is the capacity of the rectum to accommodate them. People are incredibly imaginative when it comes to autoerotic anal stimulation. Who looks at their hard-boiled egg at the breakfast table and decides it’d look better in your ass? 

Animals are no exception. A 50-year-old man inserted a live eel in his rectum to “relieve constipation.” Unfortunately the eel ate its way through the bowel causing an anal perforation that necessitated surgery and two months of a colostomy bag. Why put it in headfirst? Gerbils are quite popular too for the apparently pleasant scratching sensation. One case involved a man who came in with side pain and the X-ray showed a gerbil had bitten, and suffocated in, his gut.

Other objects recovered include bedposts, doorknobs, mayonnaise jars, candles, a small pistol, a grocery and newspaper combo, a 12-inch long and 8-inch wide salami, tennis balls, an aluminum tube (used by a prisoner to store money and other valuables), axe handles, soldering irons, a frozen pig’s tail, a spatula, and an ice pick. There was a case of removing a vibrator from a 65-year-old man who had had it in his rectum for six months and even traveled around the world with it. There was the 20-year-old who went to A&E with a half-full bottle of V8 in his descending colon. He had gone after it with a wire hanger attempting to get it out, shredding his colon in the process. The sad thing was he still lived with his parents and they came in to be with him during the surgery to remove it. He ended up shitting into a bag for the rest of his life.

No mention of fatty german sausage…David Fisher will be relieved.


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  • Lapuamagnum

    Funny place to open a bottle.
    Must be an old bastard as he’s had a hip replacement.

  • Gazzaw

    So no verified reports of labour/green MPs turning up to A&E to get their heads extracted from their arses?

    • Dave

      No, like Nasska says, the said LAbour/Green MPs can pull their head out of their arse and do regularly, unfortunately.

  • nasska

    If it had been “Kosh” the bottle would have fallen out.

    • pukakidon

      When it has been inserted sideways

  • bristol

    It may be a spoof, but this is really funny…

  • peterwn

    Is this covered by ACC?

    • Travis Poulson

      Anal Cavity Compensation?

  • Betty Swallocks

    Didn’t one Trevor Mallard recently undergo a hip replacement procedure??

    • Travis Poulson

      Apparently he lost the drink bottle off his bike when he fell off too.

  • Speaking of removing things from anal cavities..I see David Fisher has removed another story from the fat German’s arse.

  • Ronnie Chow
  • Ronnie Chow

    In 1955 one man who was “feeling depressed” reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal wall.

    • Rodger T

      Was that the famous Bluey Zarsoff?

  • Lofty

    regular arse

    fat arse

    tight arse

    flat arse

    bubble arse

    sore arse

    lop-sided arse

    swishy arse

    surprised arse

    arse that’s been around

    kiss my arse

    leave my arse alone

    tired arse

    wise arse (otherwise known as owls arse ;-)

    unlucky arse

    money out the arse

    dumb arse