Open Mic: Hilary and Kate

CaptureWelcome to our first submission of Open Mic.  I would like the readers to just go easy on these submitted posts for a while.  This isn’t like the substitute teacher coming in and seeing what you can do sabotage his/her day.  The Open Mic idea isn’t going to work if all we do is kill the author’s spirit for even giving it a go.  And for every Open Mic post, that’s one slot less for Cam to go on about Marriage Equality or Paedo Priests – amirite?  So here goes.  Be on your best behaviour until we all get the feel of this.  Thanks.

News outlets around the world, online and on paper have been fascinated in the last couple of days by the seemingly bitchy comments of a celebrated author about Kate Middleton and her body being simply a vessel for continuation of the British Chinless bludger movement. She’s probably quite right.  

Hilary Mantel is a Booker winning and much acclaimed author, clearly well off and with as much arse-kissing praise as any reasonable person could ask for. She is universally regarded as an expert on a range of topics, including the British aristocracy. Her novels are superb reading.

She delivered a lecture on Tuesday claiming, among other things, that Kate Middleton has a plastic smile and is simply a creation of the media and a worthless vehicle to bear an heir for the increasingly irrelevant English Royal Family.

She went to some lengths to couch this as some kind of historical lecture with a modern example. Anyone who has studied English history knows women have been used for a variety of pragmatic purposes by successive generations of Royal men and, by and large, the punters and paupers have tolerated this because A) many of the women concerned were schemers for their own devious ends and B) Royals have an assumed right to treat ordinary folk as they please.



Now all of this may be true but it can’t hide an obvious truth. Hilary Mantel is extremely ugly. Not just plain, or slightly pudgy, or Reubensesque, or a bit geeky or looking like a librarian. She’s really bloody ugly. Yellow teeth, a ferret like grin, Gallic honker, fat arse. An utterly charmless face. She’s scathing of the whole royal idea, so we can’t possibly assume she’s envious of Kate’s money or her balding beau or her prominent fertility or her flash house or exotic vacations. I wouldn’t mind betting Hilary is jealous because, despite having her own fortune and the international literary community thinking (and saying) she’s brilliant and her being invited to podia to spout her educated opinions and publishers lining up to profit from her lucid prose, she knows she’s still really, really ugly. Gay or straight wouldn’t matter.

via ABC News

via ABC News

This blog (it seems) is read mostly by blokes. One look at a picture of video of this woman will immediately verify my argument. Not one of us knows Kate from a bar of soap, but still, Kate is attractive, shaggable, warm, kind and approachable. None of us knows Hilary either, but Hilary (whichever picture you look at) is the opposite. She will have been aware of this from her teenage years, if not earlier. All the literary credibility and credit for deep intelligence in the world won’t compensate for the fact that she knows she’s truly fucking ugly. Thus universal fawning by tabloid newspapers over the heir apparent’s missus is something she finds deeply annoying and so tries to use her well earned pulpit to crush. In vain.

There… a misogynist, troglodyte raving Christian’s assessment of popular current affairs. At ‘7 Sharp’ depth.


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  • In Vino Veritas

    Yes, Hillary is desperately unfortunate. Really, really desperately unfortunate.
    Those front teeth…..

    • blokeintakapuna

      there’s a resemblance to Auntie Comrade Helen with those choppers!

      • Mitch82

        I have a table saw that is jealous of those teeth.

  • Lofty

    awww my age with a couple (well maybe a bottle) of rumbos, Hillary could get to look OK, I just would not look forward to chewing my arm off in the morning to get out from under.

  • redeye
  • Craig Cottam

    Hilary’s pic in the paper yesterday did her no favors. This seemingly Hi-res pic just about cost me my recently consumed lunch. This is most definitely the definition of FUGLY.

  • ConwayCaptain

    Kate can park her green wellies under my bunk any time she likes.
    As for Hilary I think a 3 paper bag job, 2 over her head and one over mine

    • GregM

      Once a sailor, always a sailor, :-)

  • Dr Wang

    It’s dead easy taking pot-shots at the monarchy, but Hilary’s criticism would be that much more credible if she didn’t appear to be the spawn of a Clydesdale crossed with a hippopotamus. Her bleating just sounds like sour grapes.

    • tarkwin

      Well put Dr W. I personally reckon she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

      • Then managed to climb back up and break all the branches down the other side.

  • Random66

    Hilary must have a nice personality :) I wonder what she had to say about Princess Diana to put what she said about Kate into context. If she didn’t like Diana then there is just no pleasing her and anything she says should be taken with a grain of salt accordingly. I can still remember what I was doing when I heard Princess Diana died and I’m not that big of a royal fan.

  • Mitch82
  • Vlad

    Hilary Mantel’s books “Wolf Hall” and “Bring Up the Bodies” are brilliant, you commenters would love them (maybe Lucia Maria excepted). Hilary wins hands down on the writing front so far, Kate Middleton is a fine-looking person so it’s apples and oranges. PS: I would find the posts about Hilary’s looks (and other scathing posts about women’s sex appeal) more convincing if all you ripped six-pack Brad Pitt look-a-likes added a picture.

  • Irony
  • PlanetOrphan

    To the Knowalls that “Defended” Kate, She can pick her own battles People.

    To Hillary Mantel, I think you over estimated the readers intelligence somewhat, next time keep it to 500 words or less Babe ;-)

  • Agent BallSack

    Is it possible to get a “Open Mic” Link to spread via social networks? Could point to a page with the general expectations of a Mic thread and a submit button….

  • davcav

    At least Kate doesn’t need to shave (well, her face…anyway)

  • Patrick

    Green with envy – bet she is a big time leftie socialist as well

  • Bunswalla

    Not sure what the point of this post was? OK, so some hideous bunny boiler with a good writing brain thinks darling Kate is just a clothes horse and heir-provider, and that makes somebody sad, or angry, or something.

    I hope future posts have a lot more substance than this, and that there’s a valid point to be made.