Surviving Cow Attacks – A Whaleoil Public Service Message

Readers of this blog will be aware of the menace posed by cows, potentially violent psychopaths who hide their inner rage behind a facade of cud-chewing calm.

“Scary movies and TV specials may focus on the most frightening-looking predators (Shark Week, anyone?), but that fearmongering is misdirected. The next time you’re nervously scanning the surface of the sea for a dorsal fin, remember one thing: Statistically speaking, you are much more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark.”

With a drought making life tough across much of NZ, cows have every reason to be more pissed off than usual.

It is timely to give Whale Army members and casual readers of this blog a few tips on how to survive the increasing risk of attack. 

“While the world worries about being eaten alive by sharks, statistics show that far more Americans are killed each year by a more menacing animal: the cow. Don’t let yourself become a statistic: We talk to experts on livestock and farm-related fatalities, who explain what to do to avoid the unpleasant company of a grumpy mooing beast”.

Some key tips from the authoritative Popular Mechanics guide to this essential survival skill:

  • If you have a cow or bull that you know to be prone to violent outbursts, Sanderson says, get rid of it. Have a nice steak dinner. Invite your friends.
  • Avoid getting into a confined space with cows. Sanderson says he knows of people killed when cows smashed them against the sides of gates, fences and barns.
  • If you do find yourself staring down an angry cow, Dunn says the solution is simple, in theory: Get away from the animal as fast as possible with any means necessary. “Don’t be afraid to kick, yell, punch, whatever,” she says. Although it’s important to consider the welfare of animals, your life could be at risk, and Dunn points out that it’s unlikely she or anyone else could kick or punch hard enough to hurt a 1,400-pound cow..”

Sonny Bill Williams excepted of course.

  • Carry a broom. “Not necessarily to smack the cows,” Dunn says, “but to make yourself look taller.””

Go buy that broom NOW.   Don’t say you haven’t been warned.


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.

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