Polishing a Turd

I know the Mythbusters proved that you can polish a turd, but there is no way you can polish a turd the size of Palmerston North.

Ok Palmy, let’s just get it over with.

Let’s put behind us the shame of John Cleese and his “thoroughly bloody miserable time”, and the pride at Jeremy Clarkson’s assertion that if God had got it right then “Jesus would have been from Palmerston North”.

Let’s forget about Lord Palmerston, the man who gave you that great name and let’s move on. To Manawatu City.

Yes, you heard correctly, the city at the heart of the Manawatu wants to name itself after the province. Well, at least the deputy mayor does. Again. 

In 1998, Jim Jefferies, who was not yet a city councillor, suggested as a millennium present to itself, the city should change it’s name to better reflect its identity. He put forward Manawatu City and has restarted the debate, as deputy mayor, this year.

Jefferies told the Sunday Star-Times that Lord Palmerston had never even made it to our shores, and therefore we shouldn’t feel any loyalty to him.

“I feel no particular affinity to Lord Palmerston. There was no emotional or physical justification for the decision. I’ve lived here since 1982 but the name of this city has never endeared itself to me.”

Manawatu, he said, means the heart stands still. And it fits better.

“It’s a flavour more akin to the Kiwi way, than the colonial way.”


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  • Travis Poulson

    Palmerston North is the arse hole of the North Island, a name that takes that into account would be better.

    • Bunswalla

      I’m tempted to ask if you were just passing through, but since your stress levels are rising as your alcohol levels fall due to Blubbergeddon, I’ll let that one go through to the keeper.

      Does anyone else not think it ironic that a bloke with the name Jim Jefferies is complaining about colonial influences?

      • Travis Poulson

        Been to ‘Palmy’ many a time, and technically born there. Know it well enough to pass judgement. Cleese was far too kind to the place.

        • Travis Poulson

          I mean just look at it!

    • Lion_ess

      Must be 3 arse holes in the North Island – I struggle to split first place between Palmerston North, Hamilton and Wanganui. Wanganui was always my pick for first place, I was there once when there were dead cows being washed down one of the waterways into the ocean nearby the Port. I always maintained they had jumped, rather than live there.

  • cows4me

    You can call a pig Sue or Helen, end of the day it’s still a pig.

    • Bunswalla

      Or to put it another way, a turd by any other name would smell as stink.

  • spollyike

    Lived there for 8 years while at Massey and after. After another damp depressing winter in 2004 it was the final straw. Packed up and moved to Perth for 6 years to make up for all the lost sunlight and heat!

    • mike

      Nothing wrong with Palmy… true it’s lacking a decent night life and it’s like living in the 80’s but it takes me less than 15min to get across town, a traffic jam is 10 cars and we’ve got good fast internet.

      I’m an Aucklander by birth (lived there 20 years) and have been down here for 9 with the Army. To be honest I’d rather be here than Wellington.

      • Ronnie Chow

        Yeah but where are you going ?

        • mike

          From my home to work… how long does it take you to commute to work?

          • spollyike

            Dunno, how far is it from bed to couch?

  • “Manawatu, he said, means the heart stands still. And it fits better.”
    ….could explain why the smarter residents are dying to leave….

  • Changeiscoming

    Iain “Another Stenographer please” Lees-Galloway is the first and foremost thing wrong with Palmy. We will be sorting that out next year so things should improve after that.

  • Patrick

    This from a post yesterday (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Wanganui) seems appropriate:

    Wanganui’s nearest neighbour is the majestic Palmerston North, or
    ‘Palmy’ as it is known locally. It comprises of the amazing Palm Tree
    islands, which many people incorrectly believe is in Dubai.
    Surprisingly, the name ‘Palmy’ relates not to its official name, but to a
    local over-abundance of unemployed B.A. graduates (male and female) who
    exchange meat pies for hand-jobs.

  • steve and monique

    They are spending a couple of million to pretty up Kihikihi. Proves you cant polish a turd,but you can roll it in glitter.

    • Travis Poulson

      Why? does it have some historical significance that is worth appreciating?

      • steve and monique

        Unsure,still only worth driving past