Worried that you might be a dud root? I’ve found an app for that

I’ve found the ultimate app for Trevor Mallard or David Farrar.

How’s your sex life going? A new app tracks users’ data to help boost performance between the sheets. Filippa Iannou talks to the technology’s founders about their nifty tool.

The Quantified Self movement—the trend empowering individuals to track trends in their vitals and other personal data—has long had its place in the bedroom. Self-quantifiers have used devices from the now-defunct Zeo Band to the UP band to the SleepTracker monitor to apps like Sleep Cycle to gain insight into their sleeping patterns and wake feeling more rested.  

But the new app Spreadsheets heats things up by giving users a tool to apply Quantified Self principles between the sheets. Created by Danny Wax and Tyler Elick, the co-founders of Ardenturous Labs, Spreadsheets uses an accelerometer and analysis of coital sounds to track the data of your sex life. Having first set its calibrations based on the type of mattress you own (inner spring? memory foam?), it measures the duration, number of thrusts (if applicable), and loudness of sex. But Wax and Elick, who met through a mutual friend at the University of Denver and started developing the app in March of this year, are quick to clarify that they’re not trying to tell people how or how often to have sex.

“We’re not saying louder is better, or more sex is better, bigger is better,” says Elick. “I think that’s kind of a mind-set that I grew up with in our culture—but that’s not what we’re saying. What we’re saying is—hey, we want to provide a thermometer. We’re not here to tell people what their sex lives should look like.”

On launching the app, users are asked if their ideal love life is “Sophisticated,” “Cosmopolitan,” “Flirty,” or “Randy,” and the selection determines how “spicy” the app is in its feedback.“We decided to make it witty and fun and humorous to make it accessible, but this isn’t a spoof app. We really think there is a bigger story here,” Elick said.

I wonder if it has an automatic rating system? You know like a scale from Dud to Meh to Ok to now we’re talking to Oh Baby!


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.

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