Everyone hates me

Kelly Teed is an aspiring journalist with big dreams.  Studying for Bachelor of Communication studies she hopes to major in Journalism next year.

Not even 20, she’s also already clinically depressed

Everyone hates me. They’re all talking about me. I’m not doing any good in this world. I’m just a waste of space. No one would miss me if I was gone. I can’t get out of bed. There’s no point. What’s the point of anything even more? I can’t face the world, I just can’t. I hate myself. I’m ugly, fat, useless. I’m so stupid. I’m so sorry, everything is my fault. I’m sorry. I’ll fix this. Everyone’s better off without me anyway…

Imagine feeling like this for days on end. Constantly feeling like shit. WIthout any reprieve. For someone suffering from depression, this is just some of the stuff they go through on a constant basis. And if things get bad enough, they might feel like they have no choice. So they make one cut too many, they swallow those pills and they make that noose. After of course they  write that letter or make that video explaining why they had to do it. Why they really didn’t have a choice. Why they truly believe that they’re doing the right thing and they’re truly sorry it had to be this way but there really was no other choice.

First up there’s a big difference between feeling kinda depressed, like you’ve had a bad day or you broke up with your boyfriend, and between being depressed like clincally diagnosed with depression.

Sooo yesterday (and currently somewhere in the world), it was suicide prevention day.  Okay so this is going to be probably a bit more deep and heavier than my usual posts. Not that I really post much anymore.. (I know, I’m slack, sorry) but you know.  

Depression is one of those things that people are too scared to talk about. Even though it is incredibly common. Seriously. According to depression.org.nz 1 in 6 New Zealanders will experience serious depression at some point in their life and around 1 in 7 people in NZ will experience a major depressive disorder before the age of 24. Also while I’m dumping stats on y’all, women have higher rates of depression than men #funfact.

It is quite debilitating.  And I still maintain you don’t ever ‘cure’ yourself.  You learn to manage it, and hopefully get back to an outward appearance of normality.  But it remains a daily struggle for me and many others.

I was in a really bad place. My health suffered, physically and mentally. And yes at my lowest point I even seriously considered taking my own life.

Only reason I’m saying that is so you don’t all think that I’m just talking shit and I’m acting like I know everything. In no way am I trying to say that I know everything and I’m so hard done by and ra ra ra. But what I am trying to say is that I have a small insight into what depression feels like. I know how incredibly hard it can be to talk to someone.

Look, I could go on for pages about how we have a problem and how society needs to sort out how we deal with depressed people but that can’t be done with just one small blog post that I’m pretty sure no one actually reads. But if one step at a time we can change how we talk about depression and if we can slowly change our attitudes about it and if we stop taking the shit out of mental health disorders and joking about things like “I’m going to go cut myself, I’m going to go home and kill myself” then one day maybe we can really make a difference. I’m not saying depression rates will drop- they might even raise because if we do our job as respectable human beings right then people will feel like they can actually talk about how they’re feeling without being scared of being thought of as weak.

And you know what, Depression does NOT make you weak. If anything, depression makes you stronger. Having been to the lowest of all lows and then slowly coming back up again, that honestly makes you realise that you can truly do anything. When you’ve seriously considered killing yourself and you’ve actually planned out how you could do it…that’s some really scary stuff. I felt so so weak and useless and like I couldn’t do anything back then but looking back on it now I can see just how strong I was. And I have nothing but respect for everybody that is battling or has ever battled with depression. Because it is a battle. It’s not something that just suddenly disappears one day. But it is a battle that you can win. I truly believe that. As much as we hear about statistics about people that didn’t get the help they needed, there is even more people that are beating it. But you know what I just want to say that suicide is NOT the easy way out and don’t you ever dare tell me it’s selfish, or it’s being weak.

Because even thinking about killing yourself is not easy. It goes against every natural instinct you have. When someone gets to that point where they are truly suicidal, it’s not because they’re selfish or taking the easy way out. It’s because they’re at a point where they truly cannot envisage a future without pain. They truly believe that this is the best thing they could do for everyone in their life and it breaks my heart that so many people go through this unable to get the help they need. Depression is so common and it’s SO treatable. But we as society need to stop acting like it’s so taboo yet we’re more than happy to talk about sex and the latest antics of Miley Cyrus and whatever else.

Depression is more than just feeling a bit sad one day. Depression is more than feeling like you don’t really want to get out of bed and face the world one day. Depression is more than just a mindset. It take more than just ‘thinking positive.’ If you notice someone that’s becoming a bit withdrawn and not really themselves, maybe they’re laughing a bit too hard and a bit too long. Maybe they’re making excuses not to go out. Maybe they’re quieter than usual. And if you ask them what’s wrong and they say “Nothing, I’m just tired” don’t be stupid enough to believe them. Sure, maybe they do just need a bit more sleep. But please just watch out for them. let them know you’re there for them if you want to be. Make sure they know that they’re not alone. Wouldn’t you rather do what you can? Don’t force them to talk to you. Just let them know that you’re there and you care. Because I’m sure you’d rather do that than hear the news that they’ve taken their own life and you didn’t bother to ask if they were okay because you didn’t want to look like you were over-reacting or something.

If you’re feeling down and things are getting a bit too much, please don’t try handle things by yourself. Please please please talk to someone. It’s REALLY hard, believe me, I know. But please try find someone. It might be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a doctor or a counsellor or anyone but you NEED to let someone know.

Best of luck with your battle Kelly, and your career in Journalism.

We know a thing or two about clinical depression around here – Whaleoil almost makes it a mandatory requirement before you are allowed on staff.  Almost.

Anyone who would like to chat about their depression anonymously can do so in the comments below.  You are among friends, will relate our experiences and can point out some sources of help.

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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.