Everyone hates me

Kelly Teed is an aspiring journalist with big dreams.  Studying for Bachelor of Communication studies she hopes to major in Journalism next year.

Not even 20, she’s also already clinically depressed

Everyone hates me. They’re all talking about me. I’m not doing any good in this world. I’m just a waste of space. No one would miss me if I was gone. I can’t get out of bed. There’s no point. What’s the point of anything even more? I can’t face the world, I just can’t. I hate myself. I’m ugly, fat, useless. I’m so stupid. I’m so sorry, everything is my fault. I’m sorry. I’ll fix this. Everyone’s better off without me anyway…

Imagine feeling like this for days on end. Constantly feeling like shit. WIthout any reprieve. For someone suffering from depression, this is just some of the stuff they go through on a constant basis. And if things get bad enough, they might feel like they have no choice. So they make one cut too many, they swallow those pills and they make that noose. After of course they  write that letter or make that video explaining why they had to do it. Why they really didn’t have a choice. Why they truly believe that they’re doing the right thing and they’re truly sorry it had to be this way but there really was no other choice.

First up there’s a big difference between feeling kinda depressed, like you’ve had a bad day or you broke up with your boyfriend, and between being depressed like clincally diagnosed with depression.

Sooo yesterday (and currently somewhere in the world), it was suicide prevention day.  Okay so this is going to be probably a bit more deep and heavier than my usual posts. Not that I really post much anymore.. (I know, I’m slack, sorry) but you know.  

Depression is one of those things that people are too scared to talk about. Even though it is incredibly common. Seriously. According to depression.org.nz 1 in 6 New Zealanders will experience serious depression at some point in their life and around 1 in 7 people in NZ will experience a major depressive disorder before the age of 24. Also while I’m dumping stats on y’all, women have higher rates of depression than men #funfact.

It is quite debilitating.  And I still maintain you don’t ever ‘cure’ yourself.  You learn to manage it, and hopefully get back to an outward appearance of normality.  But it remains a daily struggle for me and many others.

I was in a really bad place. My health suffered, physically and mentally. And yes at my lowest point I even seriously considered taking my own life.

Only reason I’m saying that is so you don’t all think that I’m just talking shit and I’m acting like I know everything. In no way am I trying to say that I know everything and I’m so hard done by and ra ra ra. But what I am trying to say is that I have a small insight into what depression feels like. I know how incredibly hard it can be to talk to someone.

Look, I could go on for pages about how we have a problem and how society needs to sort out how we deal with depressed people but that can’t be done with just one small blog post that I’m pretty sure no one actually reads. But if one step at a time we can change how we talk about depression and if we can slowly change our attitudes about it and if we stop taking the shit out of mental health disorders and joking about things like “I’m going to go cut myself, I’m going to go home and kill myself” then one day maybe we can really make a difference. I’m not saying depression rates will drop- they might even raise because if we do our job as respectable human beings right then people will feel like they can actually talk about how they’re feeling without being scared of being thought of as weak.

And you know what, Depression does NOT make you weak. If anything, depression makes you stronger. Having been to the lowest of all lows and then slowly coming back up again, that honestly makes you realise that you can truly do anything. When you’ve seriously considered killing yourself and you’ve actually planned out how you could do it…that’s some really scary stuff. I felt so so weak and useless and like I couldn’t do anything back then but looking back on it now I can see just how strong I was. And I have nothing but respect for everybody that is battling or has ever battled with depression. Because it is a battle. It’s not something that just suddenly disappears one day. But it is a battle that you can win. I truly believe that. As much as we hear about statistics about people that didn’t get the help they needed, there is even more people that are beating it. But you know what I just want to say that suicide is NOT the easy way out and don’t you ever dare tell me it’s selfish, or it’s being weak.

Because even thinking about killing yourself is not easy. It goes against every natural instinct you have. When someone gets to that point where they are truly suicidal, it’s not because they’re selfish or taking the easy way out. It’s because they’re at a point where they truly cannot envisage a future without pain. They truly believe that this is the best thing they could do for everyone in their life and it breaks my heart that so many people go through this unable to get the help they need. Depression is so common and it’s SO treatable. But we as society need to stop acting like it’s so taboo yet we’re more than happy to talk about sex and the latest antics of Miley Cyrus and whatever else.

Depression is more than just feeling a bit sad one day. Depression is more than feeling like you don’t really want to get out of bed and face the world one day. Depression is more than just a mindset. It take more than just ‘thinking positive.’ If you notice someone that’s becoming a bit withdrawn and not really themselves, maybe they’re laughing a bit too hard and a bit too long. Maybe they’re making excuses not to go out. Maybe they’re quieter than usual. And if you ask them what’s wrong and they say “Nothing, I’m just tired” don’t be stupid enough to believe them. Sure, maybe they do just need a bit more sleep. But please just watch out for them. let them know you’re there for them if you want to be. Make sure they know that they’re not alone. Wouldn’t you rather do what you can? Don’t force them to talk to you. Just let them know that you’re there and you care. Because I’m sure you’d rather do that than hear the news that they’ve taken their own life and you didn’t bother to ask if they were okay because you didn’t want to look like you were over-reacting or something.

If you’re feeling down and things are getting a bit too much, please don’t try handle things by yourself. Please please please talk to someone. It’s REALLY hard, believe me, I know. But please try find someone. It might be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a doctor or a counsellor or anyone but you NEED to let someone know.

Best of luck with your battle Kelly, and your career in Journalism.

We know a thing or two about clinical depression around here – Whaleoil almost makes it a mandatory requirement before you are allowed on staff.  Almost.

Anyone who would like to chat about their depression anonymously can do so in the comments below.  You are among friends, will relate our experiences and can point out some sources of help.

 


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  • blokeintakapuna

    Courageous… and heart warming.
    Thank you for sharing Kelly…

  • Monique Angel

    I wish I had something wiser to say other than saying,

    “I relate to the chick story, like, totally”.
    And, ‘Ware of the pills’!
    And, ‘Ware of recovery groups’!
    I had a very understanding Mom who took me to a very understanding psychiatrist after the parents marriage broke up. I was medicated to within an inch of my life which set up the pattern for the next decade:
    Men, pills, booze and redemption, vis a vis recovery groups that taught you that you were irredeemable’. Anybody who has encountered AA will know what I am on about.
    Loose the, pills, redemption and hangers on and you could be doing a shit ton worse in life.
    Just sayin.

  • dilligaf2013

    Thanks for this wonderful article Cam – Depression needs more coverage, just as Prostate Cancer does. I guess neither are as marketable in the media’s eyes as breast cancer……?

  • blokeintakapuna

    …and daily exercise and good diet helps immensely people. The endorphins your body releases after a good bit of exercise is one of the best feelings…

    • Kizzy MCD

      when you are in the throws of severe depression, excersize is the last thing on your mind. God knows I never had the strength to even lift my head up off the pillow. People would say “go for a walk you’ll feel better’ it is so much easier said than done

  • It’s quite an invisible affliction, and people that haven’t experienced it are very hard to convince you’re not making stuff up. Sometimes those who are closest to us don’t even believe it is a medical condition and just want you to harden up already. (That doesn’t actually help)

  • Nice piece Kelly. While it may be impossible to put down the black dog, there’s nothing stopping you giving a swift kick in the nuts as often as you can. While most on the outside don’t understand what it is like to deal with, it’s like herpes: it can come back when it bloody well feels like without any warning. While you can identify triggers, it always finds a way to catch you out once in a while. The best support people are those that suffer from it as well, you can prop each other up during the shit times knowing full well what they’re going through.

    Depression is horrendously destructive both physically and mentally, and God rest his soul Greg King, but suicide is the cowards way out. Not to mention selfish. You can still feel suicidal and tell someone about it. If you have that feeling in the pit of your gut that you’re on the bottom line, that’s when you talk to someone else, not killing yourself. Remember, you’re depressed, so you’re not exactly the right person to be listening to right now. Talk to someone else.

    I can’t emphasise more, suicide is the cowards way out. Talk to someone.

    • fozzie2

      just read this Travvy … my lord you scum bucket …. you obviously have NEVER been there … you don’t know that pain… imagine Greg talking to you lot…

      • Well that went right over your head didn’t it.

        No surprises there, EVERYTHING does. Typical emotional knee jerk reaction without the engagement of common sense.

        You can’t engage what isn’t there I suppose, but as I said, suicide is selfish and the cowards way out.

  • Paranormal

    I owe a huge debt of gratitude to a close friend who identified my depression earlier this year and got me to go to the doctor to talk about it. It was a step on the way back to normality. As far as I was concerned I was just going through a shit time – for the past two years. Talking about it is the best start – Thank you to my friend Dave.

  • Allan

    Tis a major pain in the arse!
    I was a very messed up teenager (thanks to one dirty bastard when I was knee high to a grasshopper). until one teacher took enough notice and pointed me in the right direction in for form of the schools Councilor. six months later and she convinced me to go through the SCU and get some professional help, best thing that could have happened to me! fifteen years later I couldn’t imagine going back to those times :D (a sign of how far I have come, the police knowing my full back-story are more than happy for me to have a B cat on my license)

  • Guest

    Plan activities (Outside of your “square” is good), look forward to events, keep away from dope.

  • Kimbo

    Plan activities (“Outside of your square” is good), look forward to events, keep away from dope

  • If you want to understand psychological disorders then THIS is the man to listen to: Dr Arthur Janov.

    http://cigognenews.blogspot.co.nz/2013/10/the-mystery-known-as-depression.html

    And if you want a clear introduction to trauma-imprint theory, then this is the best thing to look at:

    http://andrewatkin.blogspot.co.nz/2009/06/understanding-mental-sickness.html

  • Kokila Patel

    Exercise and good food is also key. It can be harder to achieve without good friends and family, but there are services and people out there who understand and will help. It’s harder to imagine when you are young, but taking it one day at time is near mandatory, and not focussing on an end date, be that the end of a series of counselling sessions or a drugs regime.

  • Day Day

    Not long after the birth of my second son, I caught an illness. It was not anything serious, but one of the symptoms was it had had a profound effect on my mind. I couldn’t shake it even after the rest of me was well. I was a complete mess for weeks, sleeping long hours. All sorts of small things would set me off. Witnessing the love of my two young sons, brought back childhood memories of a number of deaths of young friends I had as a child. It all came back in it’s cold reality. Shocking, painful, & deeply sad. they were events I’d never shed tears over as a child. It was raw grief, unprocessed, returning thirty years after the events. I could now see it through the eyes of a parent, a brother & a friend. This time I made sure I grieved for them. My wife (bless her) helped me through it, took me away from town for a few days. It was good she was home with our new baby at that time. After a while I came right, finding my way out of it without any medical help or therapy. I now consider it was a kind of rebirth. I came away from it with a greater empathy for life & people around me. These days I know what the signs are to look out for, & I’m able to deal with it before it sets in.

    • People talk about “leaving the past in the past” as though things should be forgotten; but the truth is the only way you can leave the past where it belongs is to bring it into consciousness where it can be dealt with, and naturally assimilated. Depression is actually (usually) rooted in feelings associated with catastrophic birth trauma…often where the baby nearly dies. This is what produces a deep “hopelessness” feeling…ultimately a feeling of hopelessness that goes way back to the birth experience, of which is being triggered. Here is the fastest way to explain the raw mechanics of it, if I may:

      The Walking Man: How and why a neurosis is formed.

      Once upon a time there was a walking man. The walking man loved to walk. One day, as the walking man was walking, he came up to a bridge. The walking man casually walked across the bridge until he got to about half way. It was then that he looked down and made a horrible discovery.

      What he discovered was that the bridge was only one foot wide, and that he could slip and fall to his death at any time. This terrified the walking man to the point where his fear threatened to overwhelm him (too much to consciously deal with). Of course, the walking man could not afford to feel the fear if he was to cope with the situation and survive. His consciousness needed to be devoted towards survival. So what happened?

      What happened was the walking man became unconscious, that is, unconscious to the sensation of fear as induced by the dangerous bridge. This cut-off process is called repression. It is a natural survival mechanism. It’s not that the feeling of fear just “disappeared”, it’s that it became unconscious (our conscious brain blocked it off, it did not “destroy it”).

      As the walking man’s fear became detached from his consciousness, his defence (which was to walk in a straight-as-possible line) was still operating, as it obviously must. However, as the defence was isolated from its feeling, it had effectively become a compulsion*.

      *I should clarify that our need to act-out is experienced as an “urge” – a trauma-induced drive, a compulsion. Mostly, we only feel the urge, not the repression that’s creating it.

      So the walking man walked “fearlessly” to the end of the bridge in his compulsive manner.

      Whoops! When the walking man got to the end of the bridge we made a very interesting discovery. Although the walking man reached the end of the bridge and was on safe open land, he was still walking in a straight-as-possible line!…WHY?

      When the walking man got to the end of the bridge he entered open land with a repressed feeling. That repressed feeling was constantly pushing to get into his consciousness. The repression made him feel as though he was still walking on dangerous ground. In response to this, he started head-tripping over the possibility of earthquakes – his brain rationalized the fear in the ‘open land’ context. To keep the fear out of his consciousness he continued to act-out, he continued to walk in a highly cautious straight-as-possible line.

      From the walking man’s viewpoint he is not responding to an internally generated fear, but only what he interprets as external reality – but he is “wrong”. He cannot deduct that his feeling is a subjective reaction and that his brain is merely looking for an external rationalisation for his feeling state to project onto. The great confusion for the walking man is the belief that the external situation came first, as opposed to the feeling. He can’t be blamed for this, as his subjective experience qualifies the perceived situation as being the cause of his feeling because that is exactly how he experiences it. He cannot usually see that his ‘today’ is really just a symbolic derivative of his yesterday.

      Authors comment:

      The vast majority of us are stuck in our childhoods in the same way that the Walking Man is stuck on the bridge. Early childhood trauma, in particular traumatic deprivations associated with a lack of genuine parental love and very serious infantile trauma, forces us into a psychological ‘prison’ that ultimately overwhelms adult life. We basically remain children (emotionally) acting out our past in an adult context.

      • Bunswalla

        Psychobabble and stories made up under the influence of drugs do not help the situation.

        • I have never been a junkie. Don’t drink (don’t like it) and only tried marijuana twice – never liked it.

          Psychobabble? I have studied this for years. This so-called psychobabble is the easiest way to explain a tricky dynamic. People who do not want to read it do not have to. So fuck off with your contemptuous, unqualified insult…hidden behind a gutless non-recognisable identity.

  • Kizzy MCD

    I have been living with depression for over 20yrs now and at one point took a lot of pills and almost died. Its a silent disease that still many people don’t understand. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that only medication can fix. So many are against taking meds but if you had cancer you would seek treatment so why not with a mental problem. Over the years I have met so many that don’t understand and think that depression is something you just get over but its NOT. I have lost friends to suicide and while some condemn them for doing it, I totally understand what it took to do it. Real depression is so debiliatting and has the power to ruin your life. I would spend weeks in bed, not eat and only crawl out of bed to use the toilet. My depression got so bad after my son died that I ended up in a psych ward getting ECT which is shock treatment. They put you under and shock your brain. Its a barbaric treatment and the side effects are horrendous but thankfully it helped. People that are truly depressed often get seen as lazy, emo, oh the list is long. All it takes is a little compassion and alot of research on how to help. Thankfully today I am good, will be on medication for the rest of my life but as long as I can get through each day then it’s a good life.

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