One of the major reasons why Marriage Equality was necessary

I supported marriage equality mainly because it was right but also because I believed that everyone deserves a mother in law.

It simply wasn’t fair for heterosexuals to bear the burden alone.

The Telegraph has a handy check list for those happy gay couples thinking of tying the knot in order to identify what type of Mother in Law they will be enjoying for the foreseeable future after their nuptials.

My favourites are:

3 – The Apologist

She’ll ring in the middle of children’s teatime, when baby is choking on lumps and his brother is painting his own name in mashed potato on the French doors. “Is this a bad time?” she simpers. “I know what it’s like”. “It’s OK,” you spit out, catching a glob of shepherd’s pie in your free hand. You wonder if she didn’t start out like that, whether it might not occur to you to feel annoyed. She tiptoes around you like a gopher in a bear cave, apologising for her own existence, until you can’t help but snap.

“Oh dear”, she sighs, with the dying breath of the little match girl striking her last flame. “It seems I’ve overstayed my welcome.” 

4 – The Equivocator

You will never get a straight answer from her; no matter how hard you try, no matter how many times you ask the same question and no matter what question you ask. She puts a spin on everything, applying creativity to fact with the verve of a Renaissance painter. Remember when she took Mikey for a trial session at day care and he screamed so much he choked on his own mucus?

“He absolutely loved it, once he’d got going,” was the version you got.

You understand that she’s trying to make your life easier but every now and again, you want to grab her by the shoulders and yell: “SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!”

5 – The Snob

She’s the only person you know who uses your house name ‘Little Brympton’ in place of a number, even though you live in a two-bedroom semi in Dorking. Her wedding present was a copy of Debrett’s Etiquette and Modern Manners, with key sections flagged up in post-it notes: “Good manners are the most visible manifestation of civilisation”. What on earth prompted you to tell her about being sick in the fountain at Bluewater, on your hen night? You are not the sort of girl who appears in Country Life snuggling Hungarian Vizslas in her cleavage and sucking on a cake pop. You are greens to her vegetables. It was never meant to be.

7 – The Steamroller

“You have to let a house breeeathe!” She marches through the rooms like she’s flushing out smokers at break time. “Those poor boys, there’s no air in here. It’s a wonder they don’t die in their sleep.” It’s -4 degrees outside – you wait until she’s in the loo and whip round and shut all the windows. She’ll inspect your washing basket, hooking out the greying bras like a factor sorter on quality control and correct your ironing: “Not like that – turn the pockets out first! Centre the inseams!”

It’s all you can do to stop yourself cranking up the temperature and slamming it into her imperious, know-all face. Instead, you take it out on the steam button and lose her in a cloud of water vapour.

9 – The Reluctant Grandma

She rolls her eyes when you ask her to babysit. Everything is too much trouble. She’s done her bit. She had two much children and she didn’t much like raising them – she’s not about to start all over again with yours. She only just about tolerates your eldest daughter – but that’s only because she will sit through an episode of Countryfile without complaining. To the rest of your children, she’s about as interesting as the Queen Anne chair in the living room that can’t be climbed on.

I can’t seem to find one for my Mother in law though. (She reads the blog so better to be safe than sorry)


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  • philbest

    But Cam – “everyone deserves a mother in law” – someone who marries the “child” of a lesbian couple will get TWO……!!

    • ex-JAFA

      That’s why I support polygamy, if everyone involved is up for it. If you can handle all that extra baggage, you’re welcome to it!

      EDIT: typo

      • Bunswalla

        Um, I don’t think calling your mother-in-law(s) ‘baggage’ is going to help…

        • ex-JAFA

          I’m sweet – I’m single. After several rejected proposals, I’ve discovered that I’m not the marrying kind. Something to do with my physical appearance and personality, apparently.

          • If I can get married, there’s hope for anyone.

          • Hazards001

            And if I can get divorced there’s even more..

          • Somebody doesn’t like you….

          • Hazards001

            Gee…just one person? I’m slipping!

            My troll follows me everywhere..

  • Cowgirl

    No problems with my mother-in-law, she’s a doll. Don’t think my hubby has too many complaints either – my mum is great. But my dad….

  • Pissedoffyouth

    I’m lucky because my parents and my partner get along really well, mostly because my nana and my mum didn’t so mum tries not to do anything.

    Her parents though I’m not too sure about

    • Kopua Cowboy

      Amazing, identical situation here.

  • Lofty

    I lost my MiL last year.
    I miss her greatly, she was a sweetheart, and a thoroughly well mannered and kind, old school person.
    None of the “types” above related to her.

  • 1951

    `Fessup time.
    I am ONE and what’s more I had to go to the extreme of setting-up a MiL Club in our area. What do you expect when you have nothing but boys? We manage to survive all that they have put us through? There’s no let-up, be it making cake for this or that, taking your meager-savings for the month for their latest pair of designer jeans or loosing ownership of your car until the last one leaves home. We are entitled to be ‘know-it-all’ steamrolling SNOBS and hopefully continue brazenly along. Reluctant baby-sitters? Too right!!!! Not until you can have a conversation with the toddler that makes more sense than the one you’ve lived with for most of your life.
    Daughters in-law…..? Each has something pretty special that helps me keep my sanity. Love them.

  • Old Spanishbride proverb: Wise man says nothing nasty about his Mother in law else he wakes up in morning without his eyebrows.

    • Hazards001

      roflmfao…CAM…hide the razors!

  • Dan

    I will never be convinced that gay marriage is good because it is not natural behaviour or conducive to a strong family unit with a traditional value base. I would be horrified if gay adoption was rammed through parliament as this was. The gay marriage legislation was an abuse of genuine democracy on an important issue that all New Zealand voter had the right to vote on. Yet another black mark against socialist John Key in my view.