Found on the front steps of Parliament…

by blokeintakapuna

Phone conference interception – Highly Confidential Transcript.
(Not to be shared with ACC, MFAT Staffers that know Goof,or Boag)

PG: No I don’t want to run for Mayor. There’s just too many variables, too many unknowns and I’d actually have to win a real contest…all on the strength’s of my own merits…

DC: Phil, you’ll be a shoe in. Once word gets out about our “rejuvenation” and how you’re making way for our up and coming “Rising Stars” no one will want to try and compete against you for the Mayoral race… Besides – the Mayor’s office has some juicy committee’s to run, no oversight and you can come and go as you please – come more times than you go even – according to our man Lennie… AND, you can spend like drunken sailors – with no oversight! That is what we’ve all dreamed about – socialist nirvana…. a never ending pot of someone else’s money to spend as you want!

GR: Speaking of coming and going… Ohh goody! Is Darren coming home soon? We should throw him a party… Maybe at Comrade Kings house? We could ask Sky City to send us some of those yummy little canapés…

TM: See if Fenton can beat her Personal Best of 43 at one time…

DF: Zip it Smelly before I pound you around the ring again!  

DC: Focus comrades… perceptions matter!

SJ: Yes, yes they do… heard your CV doesn’t read quite as good these days David…

DC: Maybe you’d like a tilt at the Mayoralty Jones? Or if you don’t shut up, with the next spare 30 seconds we have at Question time, I’ll make you stand and tell the entire House about all of your achievements the entire time you’ve been here…

Awkward Silence…

PG: Yeah Nah…
DC: Hey that’s my line – I’m the Yeah Nah Leader remember – and perceptions matter!

PG: Nah… Nope too risky needing to win the Mayoralty only on my merits. I’m going to see if I can get a gig in the New York office instead, especially if Darren’s coming back – they’ll have a vacancy for sure! Hey I don’t suppose DC that next time you need to check in with Auntie… could you put in a good word for me…

GR: Phil, think about this. It’s not just for the good of Auckland. They need you for sure, but It’s also for the good of the Labour Party. It needed rejuvenation back when Comrade Auntie reined NZ. And by now… well, It’s getting decidedly musty in some corners… and we need to clear decks to maybe make room for Len’s lanky corpse somewhere, somehow…

CC: You could put Len in the same corner as Shearer’s 2 x snapper’s… They’d make beautiful perfume together…

PG: Maybe move Trev’s gym locker to that same corner…

AL: Those 2 snapper have had more Parliamentary time than you Clare…

CC: Was that the irrelevant squeaking of a back bench Listing over?

DC: Focus comrades…

PG: Well, if it’s good for the Labour Party – why not encourage Mallard, Little, Cosgrove, Parker, Jones, Dyson, Curran, Moroney, Street, Fenton… fuck… just about the entire caucus needs re-treading… again… why not encourage that bunch?

CH: Can a re-treaded re-tread be re-treaded again and again?

Communal Agreement amidst cries of “YES! With a fist pump” “Thank fuck for that!” “Amen to that comrade” “Latch on for another 3 years while ya can” General hilarity…

GR: Well if you’d prefer to be pushed… into the Mayor’s job…
We’ll even set up the Karaoke sisters of Ruth, Maryan & Moana to be your lead crooners and hype girls. Charlie has his angles… you could have those 3 to help with the campaign… and as an added bonus, we’ll also throw in Fenton too – because she’s got some shopping to do in Auckland and wants to see some family too – so it all works and fits in nicely…

PG: Aww – For fuck’s sake you lot really do want me to go to the New York office don’t ya!

DC: Remember the bigger picture here Phil. It’s not just all about you. Labour have had one of our own as Mayor for quite a while now. We simply can’t have National appointing a Commissioner – think of all that training and those “awareness” campaigns our CFO Financier/1%er Kelly would miss out on. The unions can’t just rely on self-funding from membership fees alone! Horrible thought – talk about a sinking lid Night mare. Strewth; we’d all be out of a job… and I for one don’t like the idea of being a teacher instead. They get bugger all holidays for a start…

AL: Yeah Phil, what would I do if I had to leave here? Who would hire me? Don’t be so bloody selfish. Take a run at the Mayoral job… so the rest of us can ask Comrade Auntie about a stint in New York.

PG: Well, I have got lots to think about, let’s talk about it around the BBQ when I’m back in town a BiT later.

DC: Ummm not sure how to tell you this… but you’re not invited to this BBQ. This will be a strategy meeting on refreshing and rejuvenating our entire Parliamentary offerings.

PG: Well if I’m not invited, who else isn’t allowed to go?

DC: It’s a BBQ for just me… and our CFO / financier Ms. Kelly… and I’m going to give her one…

Awkward silence – rustling in the background…

DC: …Give her one of these ….one of Bennett’s bottle of wine – Sip It Sweetie – and hopefully, if we can get her in a good mood, we’ll see if she’ll part with any of her slush funds to help finance Phil’s tilt…

AL: give her white vinegar instead – it might sweeten her and that shrilling bitch Angela up a BiT – but I doubt it…

RT: My cousin has better herbal tea than what the Green’s have – that might help?

TM: We should give a bottle to Jacinda too – that will be awesome! An award for the best pout in Parliament…

MS: What? Before or after being awarded?

General hilarity…

AL: Don’t get too cocky though Trev – she’ll ask Fenton to give you another pounding around the ring. And let me assure you, it wasn’t a pretty sight from where I was sitting.

TM: Talking about pretty sights from where you’re sitting Angry – riding home the other day, I had my “Trademe specials” on, those cheap Chinese Lycra’s I was telling you all about last week – you know the ones that have the one-way breathable material sown the wrong bloody way…

General Hilarity

TM: Yeah well, I had them on… and of course, I’m still on my pickled cabbage and curried egg diet… – and you can see where this is going can’t ya? – haha , so as I was leaving work, I dropped what I thought would be a small fluff – but it turned out to be a massive big one like when you’re running and it won’t stop… and because my lycra’s are so tight and the material sown the wrong way, they blew up like long shorts do in a bubbling spa pool. Which was really funny for Angry Little following me, because not only could I crop dust his air supply for 3 sets of traffic lights, he got to witness the goodies in all their packed-lunch glory!

AL: It wasn’t pretty let me tell you. From behind, it looked like an aging chip monk with swollen and saggy jowels, holding 2 walnuts in his cheeks… and the smell… OMG! Thought I was in Rotovegas there for a while…

TM: Shot! Yeah, got ‘em! It’s was a bit dodgy though – I had severe windage with those bloated pants – excuse the pun – but it’s a much better look now though since I stopped wearing a G-String’s I can tell ya. No VPL either… And it’s really helping with the chaffing too…

SM: Jesshhhussss. Spare us the details you sick puppy. Catch the bloody bus will ya!

DC: Okkk people. Focus. Perceptions matter remember and we’re on a war footing. We need to really start focusing on the Party’s rejuvenation. Next year is the election and we need to be ready – with a refreshed line up of new policies faces logo ideas hope.

SJ: So how are we doing now that the latest polls are out?

DC: Shut the fuck up Jones – I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to undermine me by reminding everyone how pathetic we’re doing in the latest Horrid/Digital Probe poll. I know that tone…

SJ: Well no actually… I haven’t seen the polls… and that tone and expression is because bloody Trev’s just let off another one!

General hilarity…

AL: Maybe Trev could give give Phil the dutch-oven treatment until he agrees to the Coven sisters being his hype girls and Karaoke crooners for his tilt at the Mayoralty?

AK: Class… all Class with you misogynistic pack of juveniles.

AL: Hey Trev, go sit on Comrade King’s lap… so wants one too…

AK: Trev – you get any closer and the Coven will sort Fenton into more gloves and she’ll pound you around the ring again. So don’t try it punk! Zip it Smelly!

GR: Well, if we’re not allowed to this BBQ you’re having, we’ll have our own… with real, pre-cooked sausages… and maybe even some blade or chuck steak too! I heard Len’s looking for a BBQ or two to attend, so he’ll be up for an invite.

CC: Get the big casks of Chardonnay this time too will ya. The 10 litre packs just don’t last…

AL: Let’s see if Len can get us some “Astronaut golfing hotties” also… we deserve our share too. Especially, if we have to put up with him whinging all night about life not being fair… sleeping on couches… tough censures…

GR: What are “Astronaut golfing hotties”?

AL: It’s a little in-sider joke… the hotties all come from Apollo Drive…

GR: I just don’t get any of it?

General hilarity…

DC: Have all the BBQ’s you want. I don’t care. It’s not like you’re trying to run the numbers or anything…. You’re not trying to run the numbers are you?

SJ GR & DP together: No! Not us… hadn’t even thought of it Dear Leader…

Awkward silence…


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.

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