Len Brown’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

via the tipline.

My word some readers are clever.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, in good old Auckland Town
And in his robe, in his chambers, was the mayor, Len Brown
The office was festive, though decorated with haste
And his trousers, unusually, were still round his waist.

The counsellors sat round the table of wood
Discussing Len’s antics, that weren’t very good.
So while everyone else thought of Christmas and Heaven
All they could picture was Lenny and Bevan

When from Aotea Square, there arose such a clatter
Wee Lenny sprung up, to see what was the matter.
He had been very nervous at this part of his life
With all of the stuff to explain to his wife  
The moon of the evening shone in to the Square
So Lenny could clearly see all that were there
And then what to his wondering eyes should appear
But a bloody big sleigh, and 8 bloody reindeer!

With a red suited driver, looked a bit like a Whale
Lennies hopes for the future then started to fail.
And then up to the mayors own window it sped
And the Cameron Santa shouted “Get this through your head!”

The windows before him were flung open wide
And the man in the red suit strode quickly inside
He looked at the mayor, and grumbled “Sit down.”
“You’ve been bloody naughty this year Lennie Brown!”

“You’ve lied and you’ve cheated, you’ve been quite a fool”.
“You’ve completely ignored each regulation and rule.”
“You’ve broken your wife’s heart, you’ve broken your word”
“As a man and a mayor, you¹re fucking absurd!”

“Your council despise you for pulling this stunt”
“Your ratepayers reckon that you¹re just a c … ”
“You stay in your office and won’t show your face”
“You are simply not worthy to stay in this place!”

“You stayed in hotels when you should have been home”
“Far from the marital bed you did roam”
“You’re spirit was weak when it should have been strong”
“You’ve been rooting around from here to Hong Kong”

“I doubt you’ve a shred of your dignity left”
“Of values and morals you’re completely bereft”
“I have nothing for you in my sack for this year”
“But you know too much about empty sacks, I do fear!”

“You’re spending much more than the city can stand”
“As the people must pay for each little demand”
“But now you must reap all the seeds that you sowed.”
“You can’t even make sure the berms are all mowed”

“You tried to tell people you’re just a good bloke”
“But it’s clear to us all now, that you’re just a joke”
“The people all point at you, they laugh and they scoff”
“Take the hint Mr Mayor, it’s time to fuck off!”

Cam Santa stepped back to behold the sad sight.
Of the trembling mayor, all pasty and white.
And to make sure that mayor would heed all the calls,
He swung his leg back and kicked Len in the balls.

Then Cam Santa leapt back on his sleigh to depart.
“All that I told you came straight from my heart”
“And to give your fair Auckland a happy new year”
“Do us all a favour and just disappear!”

He paused before leaving to make sure Len had heard.
And that he had clearly understood every word
He grabbed hold of the reins, and his tongue gave a click.
He just couldn’t believe Len Brown was so thick.

Do you want:

  • Ad-free access?
  • Access to our very popular daily crossword?
  • Access to daily sudoku?
  • Access to Incite Politics magazine articles?
  • Access to podcasts?
  • Access to political polls?

Our subscribers’ financial support is the reason why we have been able to offer our latest service; Audio blogs. 

Click Here  to support us and watch the number of services grow.

As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.