The Night before Christmas – The Len Brown version

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T’was the night before Christmas, in good old Auckland Town
And in his robe, in his chambers, was the mayor, Len Brown
The office was festive, though decorated with haste
And his trousers, unusually, were still round his waist.
The counsellors sat round the table of wood
Discussing Len’s antics, that weren’t very good.
So while every one else thought of Christmas and Heaven
All they could picture was Lenny and Bevan
When from Aotea Square, there arose such a clatter
Wee Lenny sprung up, to see what was the matter.
He had been very nervous at this part of his life
With all of the stuff to explain to his wife  
The moon of the evening shone in to the Square
So Lenny could clearly see all that were there
And then what to his wondering eyes should appear
But a bloody big sleigh, and 8 bloody reindeer!
With a red suited driver, looked a bit like a Whale
Lennies hopes for the future then started to fail.
And then up to the mayors own window it sped
And the Cameron Santa shouted “Get this through your head!”
The windows before him were flung open wide
And the man in the red suit strode quickly inside
He looked at the mayor, and grumbled “Sit down.”
“you’ve been bloody naughty this year Lennie Brown!”
“You’ve lied and you’ve cheated, you’ve been quite a fool”.
“You’ve completely ignored each regulation and rule.”
“You’ve broken your wife’s heart, you’ve broken your word”
“As a man and a mayor, you’re fucking absurd!”
“Your council despise you for pulling this stunt”
“Your ratepayers reckon that you’re just a cunt”
“You stay in your office and won’t show your face”
“You are simply not worthy to stay in this place!”
“You stayed in hotels when you should have been home”
“Far from the marital bed you did roam”
“You’re spirit was weak when it should have been strong”
“You’ve been rooting around from here to Hong Kong”
“I doubt you’ve a shred of your dignity left”
“Of values and morals you’re completely bereft”
“I have nothing for you in my sack for this year”
“But you know too much about empty sacks, I do fear!”
“You’re spending much more than the city can stand”
“As they people must pay for each little demand”
“But now you must reap all the seeds that you sowed.”
“You can’t even make sure the berms are all mowed”
“You tried to tell people you’re just a good bloke”
“But it’s clear to us all now, that you’re just a joke”
“The people all point at you, they laugh and they scoff”
“Take the hint Mr Mayor, it’s time to fuck off!”
Cam Santa stepped back to behold the sad sight.
Of the trembling mayor, all pasty and white.
And to make sure that mayor would heed all the calls,
He swung his leg back and kicked Len in the balls.
Then Cam Santa leapt back on his sleigh to depart.
“All that I told you came straight from my heart”
“And to give your fair Auckland a happy new year”
“Do us all a favour and just disappear!”
He paused before leaving to make sure Len had heard.
And that he had clearly understood every word
He grabbed hold of the reins, and his tongue gave a click.
He just couldn’t believe Len Brown was so thick.

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