Is Steve Braunias hiding in Judith Collins’ house

Steve Braunias is probably one of the funniest guys writing in NZ.

It appears though with his latest “Secret Diary of…” that he may have embedded himself inside Judith Collins’ house.

WEDNESDAY

I couldn’t stand it any more, cooped up inside, hungry, pale, quite possibly insane, so I called John but as soon as I started saying I needed some fresh air, he snapped, “Sit tight. Sit tight, and shut your big fat trap.”

I said, “You can’t talk to me like that!”

He said, “You and your mate Slater have got us into this so I’ll talk to you any way I goddamned like!”

I said, “What d’you mean, ?your mate Slater’? You and Cam are thick as thieves. You get up to all sorts of things together. Things that not even Hager knows. Things you’d like to keep secret.”

I could hear him breathing.

He said, “Is that a threat?”

I held the receiver closer to my mouth and breathed loudly.

He said, “Tomorrow. You can go out tomorrow. Just for a bit.”

We’ve always understood each other perfectly.

… ?

FRIDAY

John phoned and said, “Things are looking bad. We’re hanging on by our fingernails. Don’t go outside again. Every time you do, we suffer. OK? Take one for the team.”

I can never resist his wheedling and pathetic manner when the chips are down.

I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and got up sometime around 4am and went to the kitchen and that’s when I screamed.

Hager had been at the biscuits again. Hager – and Sabin, in cahoots, stuffing their greedy little faces. I shook the packet. I was definitely another few biscuits short of a packet.

I screamed and ran amok and heard the ambulance, its siren from afar.

Personally I don’t think Judith Collins is afraid of the rat faced fence Nicky Hager.

 

– Hacked from Fairfax

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