Crap cracker jokes

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow


Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ‘ho ho ho’!


What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?



Knock, knock

Who’s there?


Arthur who?

Arthur any mince pies left?


What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?

Auld Fang Syne


Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low “elf” esteem!

You know the jokes that come in Christmas crackers…

Here’s the best from our round of festive cracker pulling yesterday:

How do you get rid of a boomerang?

Throw it down a one way street

If you can still remember your best, or worst, feel free to share them below.



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  • cows4me

    Why did the chicken cross the Internet?
    To get to the other site.

    You’ll have to cancel your gym membership.
    It’s just not working out.

  • Michael

    How do you know when a bucket is sick?
    It looks a little pail.

    What did one angle say to the other angle?
    Halo there. (Okay, I could have fixed the spelling but that’s what the joke said)

    What noise does a footballers breakfast make?
    Snap, tackle, pop.

    Why do barbers make good drivers?
    They know all the short cuts.

  • Rodger T

    What side of the chicken has the most feathers?
    The outside….

  • WekaLegs

    What’s the line outside a mens hairdresser called?

    A Barberque.

  • Lord Evans

    The highlight of Xmas dinner is the really bad jokes in the crackers – this year we had charades too, not to mention plastic ‘toys’ which defied description they were so cheap and nasty…apologies in advance for the groan inducing humour:

    Q. What do you do when you discover a sink outside your door?
    A. You let that sink in.

    Q. What do you call a belt made from clocks?
    A. A waist of time!

    Q. Why do hillbillies drink from the bottle?
    A. Because they don’t like Hiccups!

    Q. What is the leading cause of death in frogs?
    A. They Kermit suicide!

    Q. Why was vacuum cleaner sold?
    A. Because it was just collecting dust!

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Ya who?
    Sorry, I prefer Google!

  • ShoreRight

    Why did the doughnut maker sell his shop? …..He got fed up with the hole business !

  • AM

    Q. Why are Santa’s sacks so full?

    A. Because he only ‘comes’ once a year.

  • Disinfectant

    Q. Oink, Oink, whos there.
    A. Christmas Ham.

  • Eiselmann

    Q What happened to the two peanuts on the battlefield?
    A They got shelled.

  • pisces8284 .

    Actually I have decided that this is the last year I will buy crackers. They are not cheap – $50 for the box, and the novelties inside are getting ridiculously cheap and nasty. Thank goodness I bought them 50% off at Farmers

  • Excitedly awaiting Whodunnit

    Why are pirates called pirates?
    Because they arrrrg

    Have you seen the new movie Constipation?
    No? Oh its probably not out yet.