Darwin claims another


The Backburner at Australia’s SBS writes

A Brisbane man has died of dehydration today after refusing to consume water following the revelation that technically water is halal certified.

Forty two year old Brisbane local Keith Sheen, a noted opponent of what he believes Halal to mean, brazenly refused to consume water or any drink containing water to protest Halal certification. He also vocally expressed his outrage that two-thirds of the planet he inhabited was composed of what he called ‘the Muslim liquid’.

His body succumbed to dehydration earlier this morning.

Mr. Sheen had previously complained about products in his local supermarket containing dietary information such as Halal certification.

“Why should I have to look at that when it doesn’t apply to me,” Mr. Sheen once wrote to his local newspaper. “It’s the same with these peanut allergy warnings. I don’t personally have a peanut allergy so we should get rid of them for everyone. It’s only fair.”

“You know what harm it does me to look at Halal certification? None at all. But what if the answer was ‘some’? That would be unacceptable.”

Sheen insisted that his objection to Halal certification was not on the basis of racism or anti-religious bigotry, claiming he was not personally a racist but just “said racist things and acted in a racist way all the time”.

A statement released by his family praised Sheen’s commitment to his principles.

“Our father was a man of principle and his death is another sign that Sharia Law has gone too far or perhaps not far enough. We are not clear on what Sharia Law is or how far it should go.”

A memorial service will be held for Keith Sheen this Wednesday. The wake has been delayed due to complications in finding non-halal certified food to serve.

Halal water is a real thing





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  • DavidW

    Halal certification is much like Kosher certification – a device to extract large sums of money from food producers. Where the ,money goes would make for an interesting exercise in identifying the financing of all sorts of activities.

    • 2rotorbro

      I always check the packaging in the supermarket – if it has a halal stamp it can jolly well stay on the shelf.

      • As I understand it, all our sheep are butchered to be halal to ensure if it is exported, there is no need to figure out if it came from a halal source or not. Not sure about beef. Bottom line, if you’re eating meat, it’s quite likely you’re eating halal certified product – even in New Zealand.

        • Reaper

          Yes, all beef too. The slaughterhouses are built so that the lines face Mecca, and normally 2 guys at a time are employed to say the prayers (they take turns). Not all of it goes through the whole certification process. If, for instance, it is destined to be sold here it is not always necessary, but all of it is eligible to be certified due to the killing method being compliant.

  • Richard

    So, he never considered collecting any rain water then?

    • phronesis

      Well at least some of that was probably once halal certified so that might not get around the problem. In fact you can pretty much guarantee that some of it has been through the odd muslim or two. Luckily Islam is a recent invention as religions go so a good deep bore ought to be able to tap into some pre-muslim water.

      • ex-JAFA

        We should drill a good 3-4km into the Antarctic ice, just to be sure.

  • DangerMice

    I can’t even… This is comedy gold, especially the family statement https://imgflip.com/i/fe4yd

  • johnbronkhorst

    It must take an awful lot of spite against your face to cut off your nose.
    What an idiot.

  • Toasty

    I’m surprised that he lasted long enough to have children. Although based on their statement it won’t be long before they do something similarly clueless.

  • EvoDriver

    Is this a real story? It’s not, right ??????

    • Hard1

      Satire, well written.

  • Nige.

    A man of principal. To hell with it. I am going double my intake of bacon as my protest against halal.

  • Popliteal

    I won’t buy Halal or Kosher food. To hell with fanatics of all stripes, especially where their irrational beliefs compromise animal welfare..

    However, I am sure my tap water isn’t Halal certified.

  • oldmanNZ

    I can’t find Halal pork in the supermarket?

    Anyone knows where I can get some for my muslim friends.

    • danielnz

      The bible bans Christians from eating pork too but quite a few manage to find compliant Pork. Maybe try asking them?

      • mike

        And shellfish!

        • Richard

          Yep, he’s always thinking of himself.

      • yoyoyo

        Actually that is not correct . Pork is banned as an unclean meat in the old testament hence why Jewish people don’t eat pork (in very broad strokes they believe the old testament and sort of stop there) In the new testament modern Christianity believes that Jesus came to get rid of the old law and be the way to the father (one of the reasons he died).

        So as Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23- 33

        “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. 24 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

        25 Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience, 26 for, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”[f]

        27 If an unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience. 28 But if someone says to you, “This has been offered in sacrifice,” then do not eat it, both for the sake of the one who told you and for the sake of conscience. 29 I am referring to the other person’s conscience, not yours. For why is my freedom being judged by another’s conscience? 30 If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?

        31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 32 Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— 33 even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

        • jonno1

          Agreed, although I suspect the pork thing was more to do with avoiding disease, pigs being scavengers. A bit like the instructions to build latrines outside the camp, and to wash hands before eating. Modern society has found ways to eliminate these risks. It’s also interesting that Moses et al received this guidance directly from God, whose very existence some doubt, long before medical science caught up.

  • The Flying Duck

    This article was a satire piece…I would hope CS put it up as joke rather than as factual content…

      • The Flying Duck

        Halal water may be real but this article definitely is not.

        The Backburner is Australia’s most trusted news source. It is quite obviously satire and shouldn’t be taken seriously or as an excuse to sue SBS.

        The original version of this article featured an image of a man who definitely did not die of dehydration after refusing water. In fact, no one did and this is a silly joke. The Backburner sincerely and genuinely apologises for any confusion caused.

  • WCMiner

    Did he not have taps?

  • I don’t like having calorie information on my packaging, as it makes me feel bad about what I am eating/drinking and I don’t think it applies to me (as I exercise lots). Can we remove them too? Oh wait, that’s silly… =P

    • Gaynor

      You just give it a shake before you eat it and the calories all fall out.

  • Mountainmadness

    Check this out on the subject. Could be rubbish but I see her point of view.


  • caochladh

    Does this mean that Muslims can’t eat anything that is not Halal certified? If that is the case, there are a hell of a lot of “Clayton’s” Muslims in South Auckland.

    • It’s like any religion (or belief), you pick out the bits that suit you.

      • Never in the dark…..

        Like my Jewish mate who can’t say no to bacon.

        • caochladh

          There is a really cool Jewish restaurant in Fort Street that has the best bacon breakfasts in town.

        • stanace

          Being born a Jew does not mean you still believe in the religion. You don;t have to join another religion, you can be an atheist, an agnostic, but you are still Jewish.

      • Andrew Gibson

        Exactly. Does “socialize the losses and capitalise the profits” ring a bell? There’s very little diffence between religion and belief systems these days, whether it be green nutters or free marketeers….

      • ex-JAFA

        I used to work with a Jew. The very thought of a cheeseburger (combining animal flesh and dairy products) was enough to make his head spin, but he was quite happy to partake in Friday drinks at work… even after sunset.

        • Cognitive dissonance is a wonderful survival skill.

        • stanace

          whats wrong with Friday drinks? This is a serious question.

          • ex-JAFA

            Nothing wrong with the drinks. It’s the fact that shabbat starts at sunset on Fridays, and he (should have) had responsibilities to his family at that time.

  • BlitzkriegNZ

    Must be an Aussie version of the onion. Fees from halal certification allegedly go to fund terrorism organisations so I hear.

    • colinrippey

      I thought it was probably a urine extraction and looked at the source. Nice one.

  • rangitoto

    All tap water and all bottled water sold in NZ has been blessed by the church of the flying spaghetti monster. Only safe way is to drink from a creek.

    • burns_well_eh

      Creek water has been blessed by the swimming giardia monster, and the defecating bovine monster. Best to avoid.

      • Grocersgirl

        It’s OK – creeks are where taniwha live. They will put paid to the monsters.

        • burns_well_eh

          They’ll demand to be paid by the monsters.

    • Toothbrush76

      And I thought the same but it was Bertrand Russell’s Celestial Teapot as worshipped by Richard Dawkins.

  • Brian Badonde

    I remember a rep from Dominion Salt (a NZ company based in Lake Grasmere and MT Maunganui) telling me that they had to fly a Rabbi from New York to get their sea salt certified Kosher. It’s just a money making scheme.

    • Costs about the same as Taniwha Acceditation, I guess.

    • parorchestia

      That’s not my experience. The Rabbi we dealt with met all his own expenses and was extremely friendly and helpful in explaining what we had to do to get kosher status.

  • I.M Bach

    Is Whale Oil Halal certified?

    • No but it is kosher

      • InnerCityDweller

        you forgot unorthodox

  • encee

    An engineer told me recently that some years ago he installed a machine on the chain at Southdown freezing works for killing goats. They had to position it so the goats were facing mecca as they bit the dust. The only problem was that with it facing mecca, the arm wouldn’t activate fully to do its job. No problem, face it towards mecca, get the Imam to come and certify it as halal, wait until he’s gone and then move it back into a more sensible position and dynabolt it down. The so called halal certified goats have been killed ever since with some other bit of their anatomy facing mecca…

    • parorchestia

      In at least one freezing works the muslem slaughtermen went to the pub after work like everyone else. And they didn’t offer prayers as they slaughtered the stock. The works management got so concerned that they would lose their certification by this omission they asked the religious authorities to make a ruling. The matter got as far as the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem who ruled it was OK provided the muslem slaughtermen had “holy thoughts” as they did the killing.