Greetings from Zimbabwe

It’s been absolute ages since I’ve received a nice letter from a dignitary in Africa.   It all seems to be great news.

Greetings from Zimbabwe

Firstly, let me  introduce myself as JOICE MUJURU, incumbent Vice-President of Zimbabwe and also Vice-President of ZANU-PF ruling party in Harare. I advise you read more about the full story at my profile http://www.news24.com/Africa/Zimbabwe/Zimbabwes-state-media-attacks-Mujuru-20141030

There is a battle to succeed our ageing President Robert Mugabe as he bids final farewell to the state house due to his poor health condition coupled with economic instability in Zimbabwe which began since February 2000 when pro-government militants, led by veterans of the 1970s liberation war, began invading white-owned farms. Eleven white farmers have been killed during the farm invasions, and thousands of black workers have been assaulted and forced to abandon farms. That lunched Zimbabwe in severe Economic Sanctions from the United Kingdom and its American ally

The first lady Grace Mugabe conspiracy campaign to discredit my political ambition to become the next President, I will trust you to read the following websites

http://www.news24.com/Africa/Zimbabwe/Zimbabwes-state-media-attacks-Mujuru-20141030

http://www.iol.co.za/news/africa/grace-goes-on-offensive-against-vice-president-1.1770611#.VFfLSzSUfIc

At the moment I have the backing of ZANU-PF support and the defense minister assured me of 100% loyalty that never in this generation would President Robert Mugabe hand over power to his wife to rule Zimbabwe the constitution of Zimbabwe and  ZANU-PF party should be uphold, because if the constitution is adhered strictly I will become the next President of Zimbabwe  from January 2015 when Robert Mugabe is planning to Exit state House, but he wants to hand over to his wife which we vowed never to happen

After due deliberation with my kids, I decided to contact you for your assistance in standing as a beneficiary to the sum of US$30.5M (Thirty Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only)

I am offering you 20% of the principal sum that amounts to US$6,100.000.00 (Six million One Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) and 5% will be for any expenses that both of us may insure in this transaction. And another 5% will go for Motherless babes home. However, you have to assure me and also be ready to go into agreement with me. If you agree to my terms, kindly as a matter of urgency send me an email with your contact details for more in depth analysis to: [email protected]

The primary motive why I want this fund out from Zimbabwe immediately, just in case there is a fall out conspiracy against me during our fourth coming ZANU-PF party congress early December 2014, because right now four Executive of ZANU-PF party were suspended last week, read line for more details:

https://www.newsday.co.zw/2014/11/17/vice-president-joice-mujuru-hits-back/

Actually in Johannesburg for a meeting with the security company regarding safe transfer to your account, feel free to phone me on either of this number: +27729690483 -or +27839734507 for further discussion

Many thanks in advance for your kind considerations.

Joyce Mujuru

5% will go to a “Motherless babes home”.   I mean, you’d have to have a hear of stone, wouldn’t you?

Here is Joyce, with Mugabe

Robert Mugabe, Joseph Msika, Joyce Mujuru

He doesn’t look too unhealthy there, but, Joyce should know better – she’s the woman on the spot after all.  And even though I have never met her children, aren’t they nice to pick me?  Out of everyone they could have picked!  I’m chuffed…

Shall we have some fun and compose a letter I will send via email?   Make it outlandish but still very believable.  I’ll lift the best ideas you leave in the comments below, put it together and will email “Joyce”.  Hopefully she’ll respond, and then we can go for Round Two.

One thing, we need to string her along on email as long as possible, so I can’t phone her.  We need to come up with a good reason I can’t place or receive calls that actually enhances my credibility.

Over to you, if you want to have some fun.

 

NB:  The photo and name are real, obviously the writer isn’t the real Joyce.  If you don’t get that, perhaps pass this game by.

 

 

 


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  • Kip_Dynamite

    Nice! How lucky are you? It’s quite a coincidence, as I won the Nigerian national lottery a few weeks ago. I’m still waiting on my US$12,000,000 million to clear. I paid the $2000 transfer fee so it should be any day now…

  • Nebman

    You’ll need a “convenient” illness that prevents talking but still allows electronic communication – possibly go down the Motor Neuron disease route? Ala, Professor Stephen Hawking?

    • sheppy

      Some sort of throat problem perhaps, or a permanently broken phone?

  • Hackedoff

    You could say that you are the backer of a now defunct political party, that you are under surveillance of the GCSB and FBI, so phone calls would be intercepted.

    • Wheninrome

      Give him Dotcom’s address and phone no.

    • shykiwibloke

      Ask her to please wear a tin foil hat when sending the email otherwise her emails will be intercepted and published in a book.

  • Drhill

    Seems to be a lot of hard-up people living in Zimbabwe with money they cannot access

  • Wheninrome

    Careful if you text as the left might get into a frenzy in parliament about this person texting you etc.,
    Emails, they might get hacked, John Key might get the blame.
    Might upset NZ’s relations with Zimbabwe.
    Tread a very careful line.
    Have fun, what about using Wussell as a Referee. You could ask whether goats might be acceptable currency, we might have a few used ones over here, I know they are used as a dowry, possibly might require virgin kids.

  • Debs.nz

    Gawd!! lol

  • ozbob68

    There is a website dedicated to people who bait the scammers who email them, including getting them to send photos doing ridiculous things in order to prove themselves. The photos are great for a laugh, definitely not “Weta Digital” standard.

    http://www.419eater.com/html/letters.htm

    • Brian Badonde

      Thank you for putting that link on. That is some of the funniest stuff ever.

  • cows4me

    Tell her to email further details as you can’t ring from home because you work there and your wife might overhear the conversation. Tell her your wife is always suspicious and checks on you constantly but you would like to help and could do with some cash. Tell her you are having an affair and would like to dump your controlling wife and run away with the new girlfriend and this opportunity would be a great chance to change your life circumstances.

    • Albert Lane

      Dearest Joyce,

      You are such a strong woman, and I admire you and I love you. I urgently need to visit you to tell you face-to-face how much I love you. My former wife and I I have assets of over US 45,000,000 of which half will be mine as soon as my divorce is finalised, but my lawyers tell me that I cannot withdraw any money at the moment.

      So if you would lend me US $20,000 for the airfare and other travel costs, I will visit you to express my undying love for you. As soon as my marriage is annulled, I will transfer all the money you need straight into your account together with half of the fortune that I will shortly have. If you’re happy with this, I will forward you my bank account details. I love you. I love you.

  • Falcor

    Dear Joyce,
    I would live to assist you, and by chance I am in a position with a multinational company whereby I have access to a bank account with a credit of several millions of dollars that we can pass your money through.
    I need to do this surreptitiously as my employer would not take kindly to having their account used in such a way.
    If I were to send you the account number and access code, would this assist in speeding up the transfer of funds?

  • rangitoto

    Sounds a better deal than the usual Nigerian ones. Are they getting into a bidding war.

    • Falcor

      The Nigerian ones were a scam, this is legit.

      • rangitoto

        What. You mean you haven’t received the legit Nigerian ones?

        • IKIDUNOT

          Why do I always miss out???

  • richard.b

    Hello Joyce

    Thank you for your email.

    I am an avid reader and have been following the developments
    in Zimbabwe for a number of years.

    I am unable to call you at this time for personal reasons. I
    am currently on bail from the courts awaiting trial and my phone calls are
    being recorded.

    Due the importance of you request I would not want our
    conversation to be heard by anybody else.

    I have read the information you have provided and feel that
    I want to help your cause. Your plan to allocate 5% to a home for motherless
    babies has made me quite emotional and I think I would also be happy for an
    additional 5% from the 20% you have offered me to also be allocated there.

    Please let me know what you would like me to do and where we
    go to from here.

    Yours……

    • ex-JAFA

      Oh, motherless BABIES?! I thought it was as written, motherless (as in “very drunk”) babes. I’m quite happy to contribute to one of those!

      • Davydz

        Surely a mother is someone that collects moths?

  • SNAFU

    Tell her you too are soon to be be primeminister, haha

  • Vera Fayed

    Dear Joyce Mujuru

    It is being very fortunate day for that you contact me as I am very famous person in New Zealand. I have made very bigly fortune from whale oil. Google my name or Whaleoil you be seeing for yourself what bigness I have.
    Whale oil is now being used by over 250 thousand people in New Zealand but also many many oversees couintries to. That is why price of oil he is falling. Not fracking, it is the whale oil. Because so much money I have made there are many enemies (google The Standard.org you will see I am famous and many people are jealous and hating me. )Because I am not being safe here I am moving my fortune of thirty million kiwis offshore to a safe place I am sure Zimbabwe will be very safe once you are in charge.
    we should be making haste fastly with this transaction. Will you being my trusted friend in this endeavouring. There may be some fees as the corrupt bankers need bribes to realease the money then I can send it to you for safekeeping. You look like a very trusting worthy person.
    Please google me you will see how famous I am.
    I love you.
    CS

  • T. Akston

    This is a dead cert compared to Mr Parkers’s hearsay about Mr Hotchins. With the deficit that Mr Parkers and Mr Littles would be wanting to run this is an excellent opportunity to fill the gap. Pass the cloth cap around down at Labour party HQ and get into it. Don’t delay ! Think of all the nutty policies that this will pay for.

  • Dave

    I suggest you hold on to this Cam, next time one of the socialist MP’s or whingers is banging on about chlid Poverty, forward it to them and suggest these people seem to hve some funds to invest with them, as a way of fixing the non existant child poverty.

  • Skydog

    Dear Joyce. Before sending me this letter, did you obtain approval from Dr Russel Norman MP?

  • roxo

    Dear Joyce,

    I am Martin Martyn, New Zealands most revered and honourable political advisor. Everything I touch turns to gold and I have the feeling that I am very much ready to go into agreement with you. I have been in agreement with honourable Mr Dotcom and I am looking forward to being in very good agreement with you.
    Mr Honorable Dotcom, sir is available on this email . . . to provide suitable assistance in my standing and for complete analysis. I am also available to provide certain select facilities by my standing for appropriate consideration of your self.
    My email is . . . and I am very suitable candidate for agreement and am know to do anything for a free macbook. I will be most honoured if you would please include my colleagues Mr Hager and Mr Minto both of whom I am happy to be standing for consideration.
    Your agreeable candidate of standing.
    Mr Wrongly Wrongson

    • shykiwibloke

      PS: if you need help at the next election – I’m your man

      • Saggy

        “I’m your men”.
        There, fixed.

  • richard.b

    A couple of questions:
    Will this email appear in the new book Dirty Politics 2?
    Will this email be discussed in the house in the future?

  • Yeah, right, whatever…

    Sounds fair enough to me. Now where did I put my ex-wife’s bank account number…?

  • CheesyEarWax

    Dear Joyce,
    What a coincidence your email have reach me at this time as I am in a similar situation as you. Let me introduce myself, I am Dr Russel Norman, Dear Leader of the Green Party and future Prime Minister of the Democratic People’s Republic of New Zealand. You can find my profile and a nice picture of me on Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russel_Norman.
    Since entering politics I have been trying to bring on a revolution and overthrow the capitalist government, turning New Zealand into a socialist paradise, a paradise much like your beloved country Zimbabwe. My methods of using environmental and traditional anti-capitalist scaremongering worked a treat, but not enough to bring on a revolution. My latest attempt of using Dirty Politics, you can find more information here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_Politics, to overthrow the government backfired spectacularly. Not only it didn’t bring on a revolution in my adopted country but it resulted in the loss of some of my closest comrades in Parliament.
    On the flip side, however, Dirty Politics brought me rich fortune from the proceeds of book sales, such abhorrent capitalism. I need to withdraw this money from New Zealand to keep my image, that of a struggling revolutionist leader fighting for my people of my adopted country, intact. So I am willing to share 40% my proceeds of $US104,045,700 (thats quite a few truck loads of Zimbabwe cash, literally). I hope this email get to you, and not blocked by some GCSB type surveillance in your country, and I hope you reply with a great enthusiasm and I look forward to a great lasting relationship.

    Your comrade,
    Dr Russel Norman

    • Media Steriliser

      best letter so far for me but you could add

      “In fact, I am thinking seriously about moving to Zimbabwe and purchasing some land.

      Accordingly, do you know of any real estate agents who could help me purchase some land in Zimbabwe – somewhere with wide open expanses and where it’s sunny where I can whine and nag to myself so no-one ears me.

      Please get the real estate people to contact me on

      cell phone +642……… (sure one of the WO team can fill in the rest)

      or write to me at

      Parliament Office
      Private Bag 18888
      Wellington 6160

      although I do prefer texts”.

  • Nechtan

    Dear Joyce

    I too have many millions of dollars at my disposal, however due to the evil machinations of the United States government and its puppet New Zealand government I need a country to grant me permanent residency or citizenship and shield me from their evil.

    I propose that I be allowed to emigrate to Zimbabwe, with your kind help and set up my multi million dollar internet business. I have recent experience in politics here in New Zealand where I was robbed of a position in parliament by the evil dictator John Key and his dirty politics scheme. I can bring with me my high powered team of political consultants, John Minto, Martyn “Two votes” Bradbury, Laila Harre, Pam Corkery and Hone Harawira (you may have meet with Hone as he attended Nelson’s funeral)

    I can bring much needed technological expertise to your country and much political prowess and enable you to become president, all I need is a small palace to live in (30 rooms will be fine) and for you to send a Zimbabwean ship or plane to New Zealand so I can effect my emigration.

    Yours Sincerely

    KDC

  • IKIDUNOT

    Reading the letters/suggestions below is one of the funnier things I have read in a while. I can see these bundelled in printform and find a place in the smallest room in the house (or the coffee table if you have to) and provide some first class entertainment.

  • Tony

    You were offered 20% ?? Bastards – they only offered me 10%: I’m expecting it next week sometime

    • Tom

      20% well that just rocks

  • Wallace Westland

    I replied to one of these recently for fun and have to date received about 745 new offers. God people are stupid!

  • Eiselmann

    Dear Joyce Thank you for sending me a most interesting email I have forwarded it on to Uncle Robert…first the good news , my Uncle has agreed to act in close consultation with you in ensuring that money reaches the right people…myself included. There is bad news I’m afraid Uncle Robert suffered a sense of humour by-pass some time ago his associates are going to have a chat with you before Uncle Robert arranges distribution of the money..

    Not the best opening reply but if you confirm the scanner is really in Zimbabwe then it might be a good final email to send

  • Eiselmann

    Dear Joyce thank you very much for your email , have to say its come at a great time, you may not realise this but I have spent the last several months praying nightly that The Great and Glorious Pumpkin Eater would send me money in order that we may fund the building of a new church. I have spoken to my pastor Brother E Zee since I received the letter from you and it brought him to tears. We would like to assist you in any way possible and as goodly followers of the Great Pumpkin Eater we pledge that we will build a church that will bring honour to Pumpkin Eaters all around the globe.
    Rejoice Sister Joyce for thanks to your generosity salvation shall be yours.
    _________________________________________________________
    Create a couple of dummy emails and have Bro E Zee contact Joyce thanking her for her generosity and advise that from now on he is the main contact since he is part of the funding committee(best to keep further contact away from any email address that you actually use). You can then add a fake lawyer /incompetent secretary or my favourite …the member of the church finance committee who is also scamming the church……then at some point introduce another scammer from say Nigeria who is really annoyed at Joyce for cutting in on his deal and than have your fake scammer propose to work with Joyce
    . When she asks for funds have Bro E Zee advise that the church will only release funds to members of the church …you can get her to do all sorts of weird and wonderful things with photos to prove it. Running a fake church is a lot of fun with these scammers .

  • Motherless Babes, count me in, wouldn’t want the mother along anyway.

  • Chrish4

    There is a great chapter in the latest Freakanomics book, “Think like a Freak”, about how these “Nigerian” scams are actually a very sophisticated filtering mechanism.

    Basically they are only looking for the “weapons grade stupid” (so that is the bottom 1% of the Green voters basically), as they need to be INCREDIBLY retarded to fall for the scam.

    So, making it so blatantly obvious that its a scam filters out the 99.99% who wouldn’t actually go through and send the money – so saving them a huge amount of wasted scamming effort. Clever buggers these Zimbabweans :)

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