Steve Braunias on Kim Dotcom

Me and my entourage arrived at the Auckland District Court this morning for another chapter in the book thrown at me by the combined forces of the American government, the FBI, the CIA, the Pentagon, Hollywood, and my nemesis, John Key, who will not rest until he sees me in jail, but I will not rest until I see him in hell, so neither of us are getting much rest at the moment.

It was the usual scene. I have one man to open the car door and another man to close it. But he closed it before I got out of the car, so we had to get the first man back again so he could open the door.

We made a few calls. No one could find him. I never had this problem when I lived in Hong Kong. What is it with New Zealanders?

I phoned my lawyer, Ron Mansfield.

He said, “I can see you. I’m in front of the court.”

I told him, “Well, why are you just standing there? Can’t you see I’m trapped in a machine?”

He said, “Yes, indeed, what you’re going through is a terrible abuse of your civil liberties and my team will stop at nothing to invoice you.”

I told him, “Just get the door.”

By the time I got to the courtroom, the judge decided I wasn’t a flight risk.

For Tuesday to Thursday, pop over to his column.

Home alone. You just can’t get a good entourage these days.

I walked around the house, and looked at the tropical fish. I walked to the upstairs balcony, and looked at the giraffe sculpture. But I still felt lonely.

I walked downstairs, and sat in the pool.

I couldn’t get out. I knew I should have taken off the ornate set of armour.

I reached for my phone. I was about to call for help when a text arrived. It was from a blocked number. It read, “Lol u look stuck m8 hahahaha.” I hacked into it, and phoned the number. A voice said, “JK here. That you, Cam?”

That just shows you that  it’s satire.

If it was real, it would have said:  “John here. That you, Mr Slater?”


– NZ Herald


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  • Liberty

  • burns_well_eh

    Haha that’s gold