Killer Cows: two failed missions

Killer cows

To the untrained eye, these are mere accidents, but to someone like me, who keeps an eye on the deadly cow uprising, two stories in two days is a clear sign that the Bovine Jihad is starting its upswing.

Hawke’s Bay farmer Gary Quinn takes little pleasure knowing the cattle beast that broke both his legs will soon be a steak on a plate somewhere in America.

In 48 years of dealing with cattle he has suffered his share of knocks and bruises, but never a broken bone.

Speaking from his bed in Hawke’s Bay Hospital yesterday, the 63-year-old said the 600kg cow that kicked him on Friday was a 2-year-old Charolais-Angus cross who had not meant him any harm, but had been “spooked” by another cow.

About 9.30am on Friday, Quinn and wife Raewynne were in cattleyards beside the Tukituki River near Haumoana, drafting their “usually quiet” herd.

“We’d let them go into a pen and this one decided she was going to go with them. I was just turning her back when a little black one shot through on the inside of her and pushed her into me.

“As she got pushed she no doubt got a fright and she just kicked out with both back legs,” he said.

“She got me right in the hip on the left side. It threw me about two metres, I suppose. I think I might have landed on a rock, because I broke my hip on the other side.

“I’ve been kicked lots of times over the years. I normally get up and dust off with a bit of a bruise. When I got up this time, my leg gave way,” he said.

Good to know the cow is being dealt with through the death penalty.  It is essential this chills the general uprising.

Here is the 2nd failed mission:

A cow might find himself at the freezing works tonight after tipping his owner into a drain, then jumping in after her.

The incident happened this afternoon on a Berquist Rd farm in Ohaupo, Waikato.

Cambridge senior station officer Richie Gerrand said the woman and her husband had been herding cows when one made a dash for the drain.

“She was trying to shoo it back and it actually ended up tipping her into the drain and then the cow fell on top of her.”

Gerrand said it took 30 minutes to rescue the woman from the one-metre-deep drain.

They didn’t believe me when I said Kim Dotcom was no good, and see how that turned out.   Time will tell I was right about Killer Cows too.


– NZ Farmer, Dominion Post


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  • Reaper

    With over 6 million of them in NZ, and population growth outpacing humans, it might be time for a 500 word submission to the ACT party, to save NZ before it’s too late!

  • ozbob68

    I for one welcome our new Bovine overlords.

    • Get ready for the Bovine State.

      • MaryLou

        Us city-dwellers need fear not, they won’t like all the concrete and tar seal. So we’ll let the rest of the country worry about the Bovine State, we’ll continue on worrying about our Bovine Steak!!


    • Reaper

      You have already been corrupted, I see.

  • WeaselKiss

    Bring it on Moo-Moos.
    I got my Mauser all polished and oiled and my butchers knife with the bone handle all honed up…
    Let’s dance you bunch of uppity cows.
    Actually on a more serious note, my brother was almost killed by a cow and he was tending to it as it suffered hip nerve damage after a tough delivery.
    The Beast swung its head around trying to get up and connected with Bro’s temple area.
    Off to hospital and two weeks off work.
    A lot of farmers get hurt by these animules.

  • ozbob68

    An old Meme from about 9 year ago “Cows with guns”

    • The Accountant

      Sounds like the L of LGBT Arm of the Labour Party!

  • Nebman

    Shame on you for trying to link what are two obvious deranged cows acting alone. It’s typical of the right wing reactionary rhetoric we’ve come to expect.

    What these cows need is understanding. They need to know we share more similarities than differences.

    It’s abundantly clear who the real victims are here and it’s not the evil overlords. I mean farmers….

    • DavidW

      attacks have nothing to do with an evil cow conspiracy, they are just lone wolves
      cows acting independently.

  • Rodger T

    Not a real cow ,real cows are loving and peaceful.

    • The Accountant

      Most have been a lone cow. Surely we shouldn’t say the whole herd would do that?

  • 1951

    Ouch! ….kick out with both back legs… one is bad enough. Cows eyes may seem oddly placed towards the side of the head but it all for accuracy & that they always are.

  • Greg M

    Farmers need to beef up security to ameliorate the coming cowmageddon. I fear for the future of humanity.

  • Lord Evans

    That’s a rather cowardly act from the Charolais-Angus cross. As for the explanation that he was ‘spooked’ well that’s just plain old bulldust…at least he’ll never, heifer do that again!

    • kehua

      It would have been the French connection, ya can never trust them.

  • Curly1952

    Oh no!! The hayseeds will be up in arms at this rebellion by the 4 legged enemy. Button down the hatches on the farm and prepare for Armageddon

    • Cowmageddon

      • Rachael Membery


      • Curly1952

        Of course – silly me. Could be Baamageddon for the odd rogue ram or for the Islams porkmageddon or pigmageddon .

  • cows4me

    Oh dear, meanwhile in the world’s most livable city, Pak’nSave in Henderson was held up last night, staff very shaken. Or, police have just released pictures of a violent home invasion in Auckland where a woman was viciously beaten. I’ll stick to my girls thanks they get a bit excited now and then but I feel a bloody sight safer around them than visiting the world’s most livable city.

  • DavidW

    Oh dear me. They must have got the office junior to write the second item.
    ” A cow might find himself at the freezing works tonight after tipping his owner into a drain, then jumping in after her.”
    my experience is that always, a cow is a “she” not a “he” or even an “it”

    If the author is ignorant of this basic biological fact then there is little hope for accuracy in the rest of the item. Well done Dom Post

    • kehua

      Someone has to say it, “sounds like a whole lot of Bull to me”.

  • Jimmie

    I suspect the 2nd cow was suffering from ryegrass staggers which affects their ability to control their balance. ( kind of like they’re drunk)

  • SVlover

    At least they don’t care if their victims are Muslim or Infidel!