Tony Abbott – “I couldn’t bat, I couldn’t bowl, I couldn’t field, but I could sledge”

There are more than a few people blubbering like panty-waists over sledging in cricket…not Tony Abbott.

He has come out and said though he loves cricket he was tits at every aspect of it except sledging…awesome.

As tensions between the Australian and Indian cricket teams reach boiling point, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has revealed sledging was his only strength as a cricketer.

Speaking at an afternoon tea for the teams at Kirribilli House in Sydney on Thursday, Mr Abbott spoke of his time as a cricketer during his student days at Oxford University.

“I couldn’t bat, I couldn’t bowl, I couldn’t field, but I could sledge, and I think I held my place in the team on this basis, and I promise there’ll be none of that today,” said the former captain of Oxford’s Middle Common Room team of the Queen’s College.

Emotions are riding high between the Australian and Indian sides following an explosive series that has featured plenty of sledging.

It’s feared things could get worse during next week’s fourth and final Test at the Sydney Cricket Ground.

Oh boo hoo…sledging is a part of cricket.   

I’ve managed to find a Top 20 best cricket sledges…as you can see it goes a long way back.

20. Malcolm Marshall & David Boon.
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon, who was having a bit of trouble against the fast bowler and had played and missed a few times. Marshall : “Now David, are you going to get out or am I going to have to come round the wicket and kill you?”.

19. Merv Hughes & Graham Gooch.
Merv Hughes was all over Gooch in one test and proceeded to say: “Would you like me to bowl a piano and see if you can play that“.

18. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham.
In an Ashes match Botham arrived at the wicket to a bit of cheek from the Aussie keeper. Marsh : “So how’s your wife and my kid’s?”. Botham: “Wife’s fine. Kid’s are retarded“.

17. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes.
In the 1989 Ashes series Big Merv was giving Smith a few problems. After playing and missing a Merv delivery, Big Merv snapped: “You can’t fucking bat“. Next ball Smith proceeded to belt Hughes to the fence for four runs and replied: “Hey Merv! We make a good pair. I can’t fucking bat and you can’t fucking bowl!”.

16. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad.
During a test between Pakistan and Australia in 1991 Miandad tried to sledge Merv: “Merv you are a big, fat bus conductor“. Only a few balls later Merv dismissed Miandad, ran past him and shouted: “Tickets please!”.

15. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga.
The Australians were getting frustrated while trying to get the wicket of the portly Arjuna Ranatunga of Sri Lanka. Various tactics were tried and failed until Healy came up with a winner: “Put a Mars Bar on a good length and that should do it!”.

14. Herschelle Gibbs & Steve Waugh.
In the 1999 World Cup Australia needed to beat South Africa to keep their tournament hopes alive. Steve Waugh was on 56* and leading Aus to victory when he gifted Gibbs a simple catch. Gibbs went to celebrate the catch but instead dropped it, leaving Waugh to retort: “You’ve just dropped the World Cup“. He was right too, Aussie went on to win the game and the tournament, knocking out South Africa in the process.

13. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards.
During a test match in Jamaica, Hughes continued to stare at Richards after each delivery. He never spoke a word but sure enough after every delivery there was a stare. Viv Richards: “Don’t you be staring at me, man. This is my island, my culture. And in my culture we just bowl“. Hughes replied with a ripper : “In my culture we just say fuck off“.

12. Mark Waugh & Adam Parore.
Waugh: “I remember you from a couple of years ago. You were shit then and you’re fucken useless now!”. To which Parore replied: “Yeah that’s me. And I remember you were dating that old, ugly slut. I see you’ve married her now. You dumb cunt”.

11. Merv Hughes & Robin Smith.
Merv was bowling a few crackers that Smith couldn’t even get an edge to. Merv: “If you turn the bat over you’ll get the instructions mate”.

10. Jamie Siddons & Steve Waugh.
In a Sheffield Shield match Steve Waugh was taking his time getting ready to face his first ball. Taking guard, scratching out his mark, looking at the field settings. Jamie Siddons decided enough was enough and remarked: “For fuck’s sake, mate, it’s not a fucken test match!”. To which Waugh replied: “Of course it’s not… You’re here”.

9. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga.
During a One-dayer between Australia and Sri Lanka Ranatunga decided he needed a runner. The stump microphone then picked up the following sledge from Healy: “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, fat cunt”.

8. Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan.
Surprised this didn’t rank higher. Shortly after McGrath’s wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer, the Australians were playing a test match against the West Indies. McGrath: “What does Brian Lara’s dick taste like?”. Sarwan: “Why don’t you ask your wife?”. McGrath then lost the plot: “If you ever mention my wife again, I’ll fucken rip your fucken throat out”.

7. Fred Trueman.
An Australian batsman was walking onto the field, opened the gate and before he could shut it, Trueman remarked: “Don’t bother shutting it, son, you won’t be there long enough”.

6. Ravi Shastri & Mike Whitney.
Mike Whitney was on the field as a sub fielder while Shastri was batting. Shastri hits the ball to Whitney and contemplates a single. Whitney throws the ball in and says: “Stay in your crease or I’ll break your fucken head“. Shastri replies: “If you could bowl as well as you talk you wouldn’t be the fucken 12th man!”.

5. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne.
Cullinan was well known as being a bit of a bunny to Warne’s bowling. The 2 hadn’t played each other in some time so when Cullinan walked out to bat, Warne couldn’t resist heckling him: “I’ve been waiting two years for another chance at you“. Cullinan got him back with a ripper: “Looks like you spent it eating…”

4. Sunil Gavaskar & Viv Richards.
In one test between the West Indians and the Indians Sunil Gavaskar decided to drop down to no.4 from his usual opening position. Malcolm Marshall then proceeded to dismiss Gaekwad and Vengsarkar for no score. When Gavaskar came out to bat Richards said: “Man it don’t matter where you come in, the score is still zero!”

3. Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row.
Fred Trueman was bowling and got an edge from the batsman which went between Row’s legs, who was fielding at slip. At the end of the over, Row runs over to Trueman and says: “Sorry Fred, I should’ve kept my legs closed”. Trueman: “So should your mother”.

2. Mark Waugh & James Ormond.
James Ormond came out to bat in a match with Australia. Mark Waugh, at slip, let rip: “What are you doing out here? You’re too shit to play for England!” Ormond replied: “Maybe so, but at least I’m the best player in my family”.

1. Viv Richards & Greg Thomas.
In a county match in England, Thomas was bowling to Richards and getting a few to whizz past the bat. After Richards played and missed another one, Thomas said: “It’s red, it’s round. Now fucken hit it!”.This obviously angered Richards who proceeded to hit the next ball out of the ground. Richards: “You know what it looks like now go and get it.”

I still reckon that the Eddo Brandes sledge is the best.

One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.

McGrath: “Why are you so fat?”

Brandes  “Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

 

– SMH


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

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