Why one female feminist won’t date male feminists



You know the type of modern feminist who manages to insert into every third sentence the word patriarchy?  I have often wondered what specimens of humanity these women end up dating. I assumed that they wouldn’t be attracted to the kind of man I’m attracted to ( an Alpha male ) and would instead want to date male feminists who are ( Beta Males )

Beta Male: An unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.
Pete knew he was losing the girl he’d just met at the bar to the guy who bought her a drink, but he was too much of a beta male to do anything about it.
-urban dictionary

…There are feminist boxing classes, feminist baking groups, and, of course, feminist dating websites. Because when we talk about “having it all”, we also want a feminist boyfriend, right?


In theory, it sounds excellent. It would be a hard slog to have a relationship with someone whose sociopolitical stance differs hugely from yours, so when I first began identifying as a feminist I thought that my beliefs would carry over seamlessly in to my dating life as well. I’m a feminist, so shouldn’t the men I date and sleep with be feminists too?

Really, no young heterosexual woman - no matter how loudly she proclaims her feminist beliefs - is going to be interested in a man who rejects being "manly.

Really, no young heterosexual woman – no matter how loudly she proclaims her feminist beliefs – is going to be interested in a man who rejects being “manly.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite so simple. From the man who opened a text conversation with a photo of his naked chest and encouraged me to reciprocate in the name of the Free The Nipple movement, to the fellow who agonised over accepting a blowjob because, despite enjoying them, he found the act simply too degrading to let me perform; dating male feminists turned out to be one of the least empowering decisions I’ve ever made.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with a man who respects me, values consent, or is conscious of the various gender-based imbalances in the world today. These qualities are a bare minimum.

But men looking for feminist-sanctioned romance tend to fall in to one of two categories: those who use our attraction as a sign of approval and seek out trophy feminists to clear their conscience of any inherent patriarchal wrong-doing, and outright predators who employ a bare-bones knowledge of feminist discourse to target any young woman whose politics so much as graze the notion of sex-positivity.

The commercialisation of “feminist dating”, whether at a social event or on an app or website, only entrenches these attitudes further. It laser-focuses the male gaze on an environment where men can hamfistedly wield their limited knowledge of women’s empowerment to look for sex partners and girlfriends in a movement that demands women be seen as everything but.

For every male feminist horror story I have lived, I’ve been told a dozen more by equally-frustrated female friends. There was the chap who invited me to an event, not so much as a plus one but as a testing ground for his ribald, sexist one-liners. After each remark he would look to me, gauging my reaction to see exactly how much of his cheap and dirty humour he could unleash while still passing the feminist litmus test.

I had lunch with a man whose openness about sex and sexuality impressed me until I declined his offer for an afternoon quickie – his response made it clear that his feminism had no room for my apparent frigidity. Then there was the gentleman who messaged me every second day to ask my fem-pinion on everything from vajazzling to Lena Dunham’s memoir. When I finally asked him to cool his jets, he responded furiously that I should be grateful for his incessant questions and I was lucky a man wanted to hear my opinion at all.


It’s not that I don’t think men can be feminists. There are several men in my life who have approached feminism with respect and considerate thought, who have used feminism to examine their own privilege and experiences within the world and have become better people for it.

But these men are in a disappointing minority compared to the rest of the male feminists I, and many other women, have encountered: men who use the term “feminist” as either bait or an alter-ego, assuming that their opt-in respect for women will entitle them to legions of adoring lovers – really the most anti-feminist act of all.



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If you agree with me that’s nice but what I really want to achieve is to make you question the status quo. Look between the lines, do your own research. Do not be a passive observer in this game we call life.