Why one female feminist won’t date male feminists



You know the type of modern feminist who manages to insert into every third sentence the word patriarchy?  I have often wondered what specimens of humanity these women end up dating. I assumed that they wouldn’t be attracted to the kind of man I’m attracted to ( an Alpha male ) and would instead want to date male feminists who are ( Beta Males )

Beta Male: An unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.
Pete knew he was losing the girl he’d just met at the bar to the guy who bought her a drink, but he was too much of a beta male to do anything about it.
-urban dictionary

…There are feminist boxing classes, feminist baking groups, and, of course, feminist dating websites. Because when we talk about “having it all”, we also want a feminist boyfriend, right?


In theory, it sounds excellent. It would be a hard slog to have a relationship with someone whose sociopolitical stance differs hugely from yours, so when I first began identifying as a feminist I thought that my beliefs would carry over seamlessly in to my dating life as well. I’m a feminist, so shouldn’t the men I date and sleep with be feminists too?

Really, no young heterosexual woman - no matter how loudly she proclaims her feminist beliefs - is going to be interested in a man who rejects being "manly.

Really, no young heterosexual woman – no matter how loudly she proclaims her feminist beliefs – is going to be interested in a man who rejects being “manly.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite so simple. From the man who opened a text conversation with a photo of his naked chest and encouraged me to reciprocate in the name of the Free The Nipple movement, to the fellow who agonised over accepting a blowjob because, despite enjoying them, he found the act simply too degrading to let me perform; dating male feminists turned out to be one of the least empowering decisions I’ve ever made.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with a man who respects me, values consent, or is conscious of the various gender-based imbalances in the world today. These qualities are a bare minimum.

But men looking for feminist-sanctioned romance tend to fall in to one of two categories: those who use our attraction as a sign of approval and seek out trophy feminists to clear their conscience of any inherent patriarchal wrong-doing, and outright predators who employ a bare-bones knowledge of feminist discourse to target any young woman whose politics so much as graze the notion of sex-positivity.

The commercialisation of “feminist dating”, whether at a social event or on an app or website, only entrenches these attitudes further. It laser-focuses the male gaze on an environment where men can hamfistedly wield their limited knowledge of women’s empowerment to look for sex partners and girlfriends in a movement that demands women be seen as everything but.

For every male feminist horror story I have lived, I’ve been told a dozen more by equally-frustrated female friends. There was the chap who invited me to an event, not so much as a plus one but as a testing ground for his ribald, sexist one-liners. After each remark he would look to me, gauging my reaction to see exactly how much of his cheap and dirty humour he could unleash while still passing the feminist litmus test.

I had lunch with a man whose openness about sex and sexuality impressed me until I declined his offer for an afternoon quickie – his response made it clear that his feminism had no room for my apparent frigidity. Then there was the gentleman who messaged me every second day to ask my fem-pinion on everything from vajazzling to Lena Dunham’s memoir. When I finally asked him to cool his jets, he responded furiously that I should be grateful for his incessant questions and I was lucky a man wanted to hear my opinion at all.


It’s not that I don’t think men can be feminists. There are several men in my life who have approached feminism with respect and considerate thought, who have used feminism to examine their own privilege and experiences within the world and have become better people for it.

But these men are in a disappointing minority compared to the rest of the male feminists I, and many other women, have encountered: men who use the term “feminist” as either bait or an alter-ego, assuming that their opt-in respect for women will entitle them to legions of adoring lovers – really the most anti-feminist act of all.




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  • I was going to be a male feminist cos I thought it might help me get laid…but the mincing and whining, double speak and missing out on rugby,beer, fishing and boys night outs put me off so I decided I’d just settle for being a me and see what happened. (Which is nothing cos ya don’t meet many chicks at the pub or on a boys night out but so be it…at least I still have rugby and fishing!)


    • KatB

      Ever thought of becoming a Lesbian? My husband quite likes the idea.

      • I never really got the whole lesbian thing. Two mother in laws, 66,000 words and ya twice as wrong as you used to be!

      • johcar

        Most blokes are already lesbians (if lesbian is defined as someone who enjoys sex with women)…

    • KGB

      Don’t you miss the 33,000 words Wallace?

      • I’ve got it down to 1,500….1,100 of which are on here! :-)

  • What the hell was she on about? Some people are just too complicated.

    • sandalwood789

      Agreed. I couldn’t be bothered with a woman like that.
      She’s a perfect example of someone who “thinks too much”.

    • Oh Please

      I got about 2 paragraphs in and just knew it was from The Guardian.

  • Clutch Cargo

    Hells bells, does it really need to be that hard. A mate said once, in response to the question of what makes for a happy life….”love your wife, love your kids and everything else just falls into place”. He wasn’t an alpha or a beta or a man fem…he was just a good bloke. Ladies, there are lots of really good men out there. If it is your desire to meet one, stop limiting your search by applying too many filters. The best relationships came from places you least expect.

  • cows4me

    Feminists are chasing something they’ll never obtain, the perfect man. The reality they believe they deserve is a bit like the belief socialism will work eventually. They want men to be like women, can’t be done an impossibility. Woman weren’t meant to be understood and probably just as well.

  • oldmanNZ

    First, these women want to be like men, you know,
    Found out some of them not quite manly enough to be men, so how about making men more feminine?

    no wonder those male feminist look a bit of a drag.

  • Intrigued

    Sounds like being an arch-feminist is akin to being a loser-magnet based on the writer’s experience above!

    Men aren’t perfect and neither are women. If you are a woman looking for an ‘equal’ relationship with a man the best advice I can give is if the man you love; loves you, respects your opinions and cares for you, loves and respects his mother, allows you a nag from time to time and will give you a big hug when you really need it and he puts the rubbish out – keep him!

    Oh and remembering that ‘equal’ doesn’t mean the same!

    Edit: to add last sentence

  • andrewo

    Sigh! Allow me to explain how this works:
    In radical movements, it’s generally the women who really care about the ideology. They are the real radicals. Most of the men in these movements merely dress the part and say the right words in order to get into the pants of the women.