I am feeling all left wing today, let’s ban some stuff

We libertarian conservatives really miss out when it comes to banning things.  We support freedom of choice and freedom of religion so we don’t generally call for bans on things.  I say why should the left wing have all the fun?  They want to ban Whaleoil, they want to ban opinions that they don’t like, they want to ban the use of certain words and change place names. They want to ban certain light bulbs and showerheads but I say it’s time we called for a few bans of our own.

First on my libertarian conservative agenda is builders butt crack. It offends me. It gets my libertarian conservative  knickers in a knot.  It is unsightly. Whenever I see one I always get a crazy urge to pop a flower down it. I cannot be the only one who feels this way?

BAN Number ONE: Builders’ Butt crack

Builder's butt crack is offensive and needs to be banned.

Builder’s butt crack is offensive and needs to be banned.

BAN number two: Men with flavour savers (also known as the soul patch beard)

Men who have these make me grind my teeth.  I find these as annoying as a half finished project. For goodness sake grow a proper beard or shave off this  pathetic bit of hipster fluff.  Do you seriously think this looks sexy?  The subconscious message it sends out is that you don’t do things properly.  Be a man, either grow a massive grizzly beard or shave like normal people.

Flavour saver/Soul patch beard

Flavour saver/Soul patch beard

BAN number three: Chocolate because chocolate is evil.  I don’t make me fat, chocolate makes me fat. If chocolate wasn’t so delicious and wasn’t so addictive I would look like a supermodel.  Chocolate should be reclassified as a restricted drug  that can only be used for medicinal purposes.  When your boyfriend leaves you, you should be able to visit the doctor and be prescribed  two weeks worth of chocolate.  If he left you for a man then that should be upped to a month’s worth.


BAN number four:  Books that have sad endings.  All books that have sad endings should be banned. I want ‘they all lived happily ever after’ endings thank you very much. I didn’t pay good money for a book that makes me sob my heart out.  I will never forget the first time I read a book that had a sad ending. I felt betrayed. Books were my happy place,  I didn’t read them for a dose of cold hard reality but for escapism.

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BAN number five:  Clothing assistants who tell you you look gorgeous in an outfit when it clearly makes you look like rolls of fat inside a sack.  I know they want to get a sale but they could at least credit us with some intelligence. If it clearly doesn’t fit me properly, don’t look me in the eye and tell me that I look great.




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