I am feeling all left wing today, let’s ban some stuff

We libertarian conservatives really miss out when it comes to banning things.  We support freedom of choice and freedom of religion so we don’t generally call for bans on things.  I say why should the left wing have all the fun?  They want to ban Whaleoil, they want to ban opinions that they don’t like, they want to ban the use of certain words and change place names. They want to ban certain light bulbs and showerheads but I say it’s time we called for a few bans of our own.

First on my libertarian conservative agenda is builders butt crack. It offends me. It gets my libertarian conservative  knickers in a knot.  It is unsightly. Whenever I see one I always get a crazy urge to pop a flower down it. I cannot be the only one who feels this way?

BAN Number ONE: Builders’ Butt crack

Builder's butt crack is offensive and needs to be banned.

Builder’s butt crack is offensive and needs to be banned.

BAN number two: Men with flavour savers (also known as the soul patch beard)

Men who have these make me grind my teeth.  I find these as annoying as a half finished project. For goodness sake grow a proper beard or shave off this  pathetic bit of hipster fluff.  Do you seriously think this looks sexy?  The subconscious message it sends out is that you don’t do things properly.  Be a man, either grow a massive grizzly beard or shave like normal people.

Flavour saver/Soul patch beard

Flavour saver/Soul patch beard

BAN number three: Chocolate because chocolate is evil.  I don’t make me fat, chocolate makes me fat. If chocolate wasn’t so delicious and wasn’t so addictive I would look like a supermodel.  Chocolate should be reclassified as a restricted drug  that can only be used for medicinal purposes.  When your boyfriend leaves you, you should be able to visit the doctor and be prescribed  two weeks worth of chocolate.  If he left you for a man then that should be upped to a month’s worth.


BAN number four:  Books that have sad endings.  All books that have sad endings should be banned. I want ‘they all lived happily ever after’ endings thank you very much. I didn’t pay good money for a book that makes me sob my heart out.  I will never forget the first time I read a book that had a sad ending. I felt betrayed. Books were my happy place,  I didn’t read them for a dose of cold hard reality but for escapism.

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BAN number five:  Clothing assistants who tell you you look gorgeous in an outfit when it clearly makes you look like rolls of fat inside a sack.  I know they want to get a sale but they could at least credit us with some intelligence. If it clearly doesn’t fit me properly, don’t look me in the eye and tell me that I look great.





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  • phronesis

    I was fixing a leaking pipe at home the other day and was up to my elbows in mud. I was wearing my old clothes and I could feel my trousers creeping down my butt as I was bent over. It occurred to me that if you’re going to impersonate a plumber you might as well go all the way…

    • FornaK

      I hope you didn’t reach around?!

  • LesleyNZ

    Definitely ban the clothing assistants. It really irritates me when they try to say you look lovely when you know you don’t. And – it really irritates me when they tell another person in the shop they they look lovely and I know they don’t and the person believes them! I feel like butting in and telling the customer the truth. And – also ban those clothing assistants who bring it upon themselves to peek in the curtain to ask if you are ok. (Don’t like curtain changing rooms much.)The other thing I don’t like is no mirror in the changing room which means you have to go outside the changing room and look in the communal mirror and then the clothing assistant catches you. My rule for clothes shopping or any other shopping – if one little bit of doubt crosses your mind – STOP and don’t buy it. My experience is that if you don’t listen to your inner self you will regret it when you get home. I read somewhere that eating chocolate is good for your heart – literally – so a “no” to banning chocolate. Buy the low-no sugar one if you are worried about your weight. As for the builder – add the plumber to the ban list. I agree with ban no.2.

    • kereru

      Reminds me of a newspaper report of a wedding in Nigeria in which the groom was described as looking very smart in his new suit, with a flower in his bottom hole….

  • XCIA

    Celia is one step ahead in the butt banning department. She intends to make illegal to leave them lying around;-)

    • Whitey

      I’d like to ban Celia.

  • Mark

    I’ve got a couple;
    Ban “Umbrellas”,Mankinds most useless invention,don’t perform their function while annoying,poking & drenching your fellow humans.

    Ban “Nice Guys Finishing Last”,now I know we are mostly Alpha Males with Game here,but I’m tired of being Friend Zoned…

    I’m sure I have others…

    • oldmanNZ

      the original umbrella was invented as a shade from the sun. the intention as a shelter from windy wet rain it was not.

      • Mark

        Yeah they were using them for that at Beach Hop,ban them they are a damn menace.

    • FornaK

      And extend your umbrella ban to sporting events!
      Nothing worse than being stuck behind dickheads who put their umbrellas up when they’re sitting in front of you.
      No bloody SA!!!!!!
      (Situational Awareness)

  • Wheninrome

    Muffin tops in waitresses, if I want a muffin I prefer it warm with some butter.

  • Oh Please

    I want to ban bus lanes, speed humps, motorway on-ramp lights. Better still, ban Auckland Transport.

  • FornaK

    Sorry SB, I have to disagree on you banning builders cracks, as then we’d have to ban women’s hipsters and low riding jeans due to equal rights and all.
    If a tradie, or any male wants to show his crack when bending over, sunburn will eventually catch up with him. Call it karma, or whatever you like.
    We all know how painful sunburn is on areas of our body the sun doesn’t, or isn’t supposed to see!!!