A brutally honest message for those inside an abusive relationship


I came across this post on Judith Collin’s facebook page. Since Moko’s death there has been a lot of discussion about violence inside the home and who is responsible and what can be done about it. This post is a raw and honest letter to every person out there currently caught inside a cycle of violence and abuse inside their home.

You are smart you are beautiful you are kind.
If he calls you fat dumb and useless because he is in one of those moods.. That’s abuse.
If he takes all the money for gambling drugs and liquor leaving you in debt unable to buy food for the kids in a sad state of mind… That’s abuse.
If he is coming down and you get that feeling in the pit of your gut.. It’s fear.. You know what he is going to do.. Think about the children they shouldn’t have to hear see or experience those events just because it’s a Wednesday.
You can’t choose love .. Many woman before you have loved someone who treats them badly.. But it’s not ok to live like that… Ring Shine.

When you have cooked the kai cleaned the house been to work done the kids.. Then get a beating because you asked for help.. That’s not love.. You are worth so much more then that
If you believe the police are not your friends or will take your kids away from you Wake up..

Just because that’s how we were brought up does not mean it’s the truth! Things are different these days They want you to live they want you safe they want your kids to be happy and not be scared of their own home. They have so many support networks available.. You are a queen treat yourself like one.
If he takes the car knowing you have things to do for your kids.. He wants you to suffer.. Ring Te Whare.
If he is addicted and makes you feel the only way he will love you is to become addicted yourself.. You are letting him pull you in the gutter. Your children love you they don’t want to end up in cyps because you chose him over them I’m sick of seeing amazing woman addicted to meth for love of a man.. Your a slave to abuse.

If he beats you because your not an addict because you think the sun shines out of your arse little goody too shoes thinking your better then everyone else… Remember his words are his failures you are amazing keep it up you are strong and I applaud you don’t give up on your morals.. Ring women’s refuge..

You are too good for that beating prove it to yourself
Don’t be afraid to tell your friends tell your family.. It can be a long time from that first admission before you have the strength to break free and know your worth
If you txt or call him because you need him and he doesn’t bother to reply.. Don’t feel sad.. His loss.. Stay positive stay focused rebuild your strength.

If you feel alone because your so ashamed you went back again they don’t want to hear it no more they told me to leave and I took him back… An abused woman can hide things in such a clever way.. It builds up inside and will eat you away.. Keeping yourself busy all the time.. Doing good things for others.. Being a loving caring mother friend daughter and sister.. Doesn’t change that one day he might go too far.. Keep talking keep asking for help.. Stay alive.

If you ring the support places and decide to include him in your plan.. If he doesn’t attend counselling won’t attend rehab won’t follow your safety plan.. Give up.. Give up for yourself your future and your children.. You need to understand you are still that beautiful woman without him just stronger safer and happier .

Life has been hard for some time for me.. I believed in the old way keep my family together things will get better I need to try harder I need to shut my mouth more I need to stay loyal good and bad he will get help I’m a nark for talking I’m a snitch for ringing the police I put him first and suffered in silence for many years.

Then he beat me so bad in front of my children every time I look in the mirror I have a permanent reminder that I allowed myself to be a victim.. As I recover my mind keeps thinking what life must have been like for my children every day walking on egg shells with me.. Exhibiting bad behaviours because they are hiding their mothers secrets.

A year ago I changed my password to tarabrown the day I saw her death on the news I thought to myself.. One day that is going to be me.. From that moment on I realised my life was not normal or healthy. I started calling anonymous to the refuge I started telling others I trusted the truth I started making plans.. The stronger I became the worse the beatings got! Please don’t be like me.. Please don’t soldier on because your ashamed of who you have become or because of love.

All these years I have been the rock for my family I have enabled him to allow me to feel ugly fat useless a bad mother that it was my fault
Thank you to the man that rang the police I’m sorry you had to see my blood all over the window in the car.. I’m grateful you tried to chase us down you may have actually saved my babies from a life without their mother.

This is anon because I am still coming to terms that I am an intelligent loving woman who helps others in these situations has strong morals but found it so hard to help herself
Break the cycle.

I Am ‪#‎betterthanthis‬



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  • Kleinholz

    Powerful stuff.
    Mrs Kleinholz observed last night, after watching the sentencing of that animal Michael Te Arawaka Te Huia, that there were powerful women at that hearing who were in charge of his destiny – the judge, the prosecutor, the policewoman – even his own lawyer. That’s probably the first time in his life that he’s had to listen to women telling him in gruesome detail what he did and what the consequences for that were. I am sure it won’t change him a jot but there would have been some grim satisfaction for the women he has hurt. And he has a decade or so to reflect on his behaviour.

  • intelligentes candida diva

    In the past I was in a violent relationship, I had good friends who remained loyal and did not understand why I stayed, I did not understand either because I am a smart fiesty female.
    I rationalised it but I knew I was kidding myself.
    Once I was free I understood and to this day from my experience it is that fear is the powerful weapon of the perpetrator.

    Once you fear, it grows.
    For fear to grow it feeds on your confidence.
    You know fear it is that feeling in the pit of your stomach so trust the truth

  • Cadwallader

    Given this morning’s Face of the Day the world must be weighed down with those in abusive relationships. In the West there is at least a possibility that a victim can escape.

  • GoingRight

    Sadly we too know the damage done to victims of abuse. The children also suffer and what we noticed after begging ‘said family person’ to leave before the child turned 2 which thankfully she did, is that it takes so long to reverse the damage done to the mind. The child in our case on their return to NZ from across the ditch would not go into a room if a man was there and it took months and a couple years of loving care and kindness from us all plus counselling for mum to get some normality to all of our lives.

  • gerard

    Just read the above and realise how lucky my wife and myself are. We are blessed with a good and happy life.

  • Miguel

    As a bloke, perhaps I’m missing something here, but I do wonder if messages containing sentences like “you are smart you are beautiful you are kind” and “you are a queen treat yourself like one” don’t risk losing readers due to the hyperbole. Naturally it’s important to try and undo the negative message their abusers have been giving them, but does it really help women to try and puff them up in terms that at some level they know are equally incorrect…? There’s nothing wrong with being homely or not smart, so I’d think it better if this kinds of awkward flattery were left out of an otherwise very important message.

    • jaundiced

      You may be missing the point. In the context of sustained abuse, where the abuser’s intent is to take away any self esteem you have, reminding them that they are none of the things they have been told, is hardly ‘awkward flattery’. You are not an ugly cow. You are beautiful and smart, even if he tells you that otherwise, even if he doesn’t want you to be. ,

  • Mad Captain

    Rings close to home, as a bloke, but not in the way you think. Abusive partners are not only men; it seems, at least today, the way forward is easier if you are not.

    Kudos to the writer, an important message for us all.

  • Kevin

    I have another brutal message.

    Once you’re out, stay out.

  • cod

    You are a gentle honest hardworking guy – she continuously whines about needing more money, tells you that your are a useless husband, that the Jones’s next door always go on holiday to the islands every year why cant we – apparently that’s financial abuse.

  • waldopepper

    from everything i have seen and read in 50 years on this planet, it is in womens nature to be attracted to the alpha male, or in other words “the bad boy”. evidenced by their dating practices. despite the constant rhetoric from women about how they “want a nice guy”, the nice guys tend to end up sitting at home saturday nights while the women continue to date abusive men. please dont misunderstand, i have nothing but sympathy for women who are getting the crap beat out of them on a regular basis, and they should exit that relationship. but i am also saying that women need to be honest and take some responsibility for the choices they make heading into relationships. if not for themselves then for the kids they may have.