Bob Jones continues to lambast useless journalists

Bob Jones is a national treasure and since he got the pip with the NZ Herald has been writing at NBR.

His latest column continues the theme of previous weeks of lambasting useless journalists, this week it is Bernard Hickey and Rod Oram.

He discusses his pet hates about real estate writers and advertisements, in particular a comment by Sally Lindsay about the port having a “footprint”.

I imagine many other NBR readers also on reading that “footprint” outrage like me, collapsed into a coma.

An hour later I’d recovered enough to pull myself up on to my bed where after a further hour recovering I braved deeper into that NBR issue. Thank God I did so while lying on my bed, or more specifically, thank you Sally for putting me there, for reading further on I came to an article that had I been standing, might have killed me with shock. Even today I’m still a bit twitchy and having to take calming-down pills every hour. For, unbelievably, Bernard Hickey had created an all-time first and had contributed a positive article, its contents irrelevant to my point.

About four years ago I wrote a NZ Herald  column urging Bernard and Rod Oram,  now that pre-frontal lobotomies are discredited, to try a more time proven cheering-up remedy, and take on a mistress. Judging by his new happy-faced photo over his article, plus its hitherto unprecedented positive tone, it’s clear that like all converts, whether religious, political or what have you, Bernard has taken things to extremes and instead of following my moderate advice, has instead created a harem.

Bwahaha…Bernard didn’t have a frontal lobotomy but he did get a gastric band…some say this is the same thing.

But here’s an interesting aspect of that mistress advice-rendering Herald column.  Not long after its publication, I was flying to Auckland, ensconced in the front window seat.  When as always on that abominable “service,” the air-hostesses had finished their passenger fingernail inspection and bullying to sit up straight assault 20 minutes before landing, they came and sat opposite in the front row.  I can’t recall how it began but things soon got out of hand and a fairly raucous jolliness with them was soon in full flight, including involving the other two front seat passengers.  Thus, when I walked off, my fellow passenger in the middle seat introduced himself.  It was Bernard.  And here’s the point.  “I sat next to Bernard Hickey,” I told the staff member picking me up.  “How tall do you think he is?”

“He’s very short isn’t he?” was the reply.  I’ve since asked at least 20 people and always received the same reply.  In fact, Bernard is a monster, about 6ft 7 inches.  He should take note of that revealing public imagery caused by his hitherto negativity.

This reminded me of a study published over 30 years ago, which revealed that political party leaders with a weak public image were always portrayed as short by cartoonists.  Robert Muldoon in his mid-1970s heyday for example, was invariably shown towering over Bill Rowling who in fact was three inches taller than him.  As he fell out of favour, he correspondingly shrank in his cartoon portrayals and by 1984 was shown as a dwarf.

So it’s a lesson to Bernard.  He should now do the decent thing and even if he is making up for lost time and over-indulging himself, toss a few spares from his harem to Rod Oram, now left alone as our sole economic gloomster needing saving.

Bob shouldn’t worry about Bernard Hickey recovering from gloomsterism…he will be back wailing about it all soon enough.

 

– NBR


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.

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