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Oh Deere ... The Object of desire ...

Oh Deere … The Object of desire …

Suffolk Man ‘Had Sex With 450 Tractors’

 A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the Tractor sex-offenders’ register.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found by police with his trousers around his ankles “interfering” with a tractor parked in a field outside Saxmundham.

He was arrested on suspicion of outraging public decency, and admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors all over the Suffolk countryside.

When officers searched his terraced home they found a collection of more than 5,000 tractor images on his laptop.

The photos showed Bishop had a special desire for John Deere and Massey Ferguson tractors, particularly green ones.

Apparently according to village gossip, Mr Bishop only carried out these offences in fields of wheat and barley and he maybe a cereal offender.

A police insider said: “We couldn’t believe it when we found him in the field.

He was wearing a white t-shirt and Wellington boots and very little else. He was clearly in state of high excitement at the rear of the machine.

“Thankfully nobody else was around, but the field is close to a village primary school so we had to arrest him and educate him about the error of his ways.

“He told us he was particularly ‘in to’ Liquid Wench axle grease and the presence of this around the back of tractors was all too much for him.”

Bishop, twice divorced, was released without charge on condition he sought psychological help. He was put on the Tractor sex-offenders’ register.

“He is also banned from the countryside and is now not allowed to go within one mile of a farm,” the police insider added. “So he has to live and remain in the middle of Ipswich to comply with that.

“However, we are watching him because we are worried about the safety of several street-cleaning machines.”

Another policeman added: “He’ll also need to keep away from the town’s gardens – if he takes a fancy to a lawn mower he might find he loses more than just his liberty.”

Liquid Wrench .. The man is a fool.

Liquid Wench .. The man is a fool, and has no taste.

I mean, guy is obviously a loon. Everyone knows Buffalo is the smoothest and most pleasurable axle grease. What a nutter.

I mean, guy is obviously a loon. Everyone knows Buffalo is the smoothest and most pleasurable axle grease. What a nutter.

A Mucky, murky Business: A well-thumbed copy of Farmers Weekly found in Bishop’s flat.

A Mucky, murky Business: A well-thumbed copy of Farmers Weekly found in Bishop’s flat.

Now, three months later, things have not improved for Mr Bishop, who has been caught out trying to get a job at an agriculture college, where he wanted to give the farm machinery a vigorous scrub down.

The Suffolk man who admitted having sex with 450 tractors is in trouble with the police again after trying to get a job at an agricultural college.

Ralph Bishop promised to keep away from farm machinery and not to go within in a mile of the countryside again when he was arrested last October.

The 54-year-old moved from Saxmundham to Ipswich in order to comply with the strict police conditions, but officers say his strange behaviour has not improved.

A Suffolk police insider said: “He went to Otley College for an interview as a handyman, and while there he told the principal that he would happily give all the farm machinery a vigorous scrub down.

“Thankfully the staff at Otley had read about Mr Bishop’s unsavoury interest in tractors, and alerted us.”

The officer said that when they visited Bishop at his London Road flat he admitted he was finding it difficult to curb his urges.

“There were copies of Farming Weekly strewn all over the flat, and we found some bus tickets which clearly showed he had been out in the countryside, which was strictly against the conditions we put down.”

News of Bishop’s tractor fetish went viral worldwide after the Suffolk Gazette reported he was caught with his trousers down behind a Massey Ferguson in a Saxmundham field.

He admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors, mostly green ones, and when officers raided his home they seized a laptop which had over 5,000 tractor images on it.

Police have now given him another warning, and told him he will be charged if he travels to the countryside again, risking imprisonment.

When the Suffolk Gazette approached Bishop, he said: “I am trying to change, I really am. Sometimes I think I have got over my interest in machinery, and then I see a milk float going past and I come over all giddy.”

Help at hand? Rural frolics for tractor lovers: Now you can find your ideal countryside partner. TractorMatch.com

Help at hand? Rural frolics for tractor lovers: Now you can find your ideal countryside partner. TractorMatch.com

Now… There Maybe Help At Hand…

A new internet dating site to match tractor lovers has been set up in Suffolk.

TractorMatch.com launches next month with a glittering party at the site’s HQ – a cowshed in Bungay.

“There was a gap in the dating market and we hope to fill it with our infallible vetting system,” said owners Willy and Fanny Joyner.

The Suffolk Gazette was shown around the cowshed with its hi-tech method of sorting partners. Answers to online questionnaires are printed out and placed in an in-tray. Then, when they have enough, the Joyners spread all the forms out on a large table.

“We’ll then close our eyes and stick a pin in one form – and then another to match it. That way, we keep the mystery of romance, like in real life,” explained Fanny.

Any potential problems have already been ironed out thanks to the in-depth TractorMatch.com questionnaire, which should mean rural lovers can find their perfect partner.

Sample questions shown include:

Sport:

  1. A) Do you, or have you ever, supported Norwich FC?
  2. B) Have you ever been to Portman Road, Ipswich?
  3. C) Do you own a blue and white scarf?
  4. D) Did your gran have a crush on Paul Mariner?

Is your dream meal at:

  1. A) The Ivy?
  2. B) Pizza Hut?
  3. C) Nando’s Ipswich?
  4. D) The Harvester?

Is your secret fantasy:

  1. A) A threesome?
  2. B) Playing Doctors and Nurses?
  3. C) Skinny Dipping?
  4. D) Rolling in a pile of hay naked apart from green wellies?

What would you expect a date to cost:

  1. A) £1000 fine dining, taxis, nightclub and hotel?
  2. B) £100 cinema, curry, taxis, cocktails?
  3. C) £50 take-out brought back on the bus?
  4. D) £20…a pint at Wetherspoons, kebab, packet of condoms?

If you could drive any vehicle, would it be:

  1. A) A Ferrari 458?
  2. B) BMW 7 series?
  3. C) John Deere mower?
  4. D) A combine harvester?

Who do you admire most:

  1. A) The Duchess Sarah Ferguson?
  2. B) Football boss Sir Alex Ferguson?
  3. C) Three Degrees singer Sheila Ferguson?
  4. D) Farm equipment maker Massey Ferguson?

Is your favourite vegetable:

  1. A) Green pepper?
  2. B) Spinach?
  3. C) Tomato?
  4. D) Turnip?

If your lover gave you the perfect gift, would it be:

  1. A) A diamond?
  2. B) A Rolex watch?
  3. C) Designer shoes?
  4. D) A Tractor Boys mug?

Are you looking for:

  1. A) Friendship?
  2. B) Romance?
  3. C) Marriage?
  4. D) A ride on a tractor?

Which is your favourite group:

  1. A) Elbow?
  2. B) Arctic Monkeys?
  3. C) Boyzone?
  4. D) Mud?

Mr Joyner said: “It will only cost £10 to join TractorMatch.com but you could find your soil mate.”

News Update:

Oh Deere, deere, deere. ……  Well that did not last long, we understand that Ralph Bishop, the Suffolk man who admitted having sex WITH tractors, has already been banned from the site. It looks like he is a cereal offender who is very lucky he’s not now doing porridge.

Story by Hugh Dunnett

Crime Correspondent

 


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  • sandalwood789

    Hilarious! This has made my day…… :)

  • Rick H

    Ooohhh Arrrrrr.

  • chef01

    Thanks really made my hay

  • XCIA

    No need to practice safe sex there then.

  • Tiger

    As students we had a satirical magazine called the “Farmer’s Weakness” yup it was an agricultural school.

  • Tiger

    Nothing clears a smoky room like an “ex-tractor fan”!

  • Dan

    I cannot see why people are atractored to this sort of thing.

  • Caprice

    Hugh Dunnet – crime correspondent. Hmmm

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