The day I got goat


“You have Goat” … said the doctor
I looked at her confused …. Goat?
Yes…”You have Goat”

I could have understood it if she had said Mad Cow Disease, as I lived in the UK in the Early 90’s. This disqualifies me from giving blood when in NZ. And just the other day I had read a headline …Deadly Mutated Rabbit virus sweeps Europe. But Goat had me confused.

So we sat and looked at each other. Eventually she tapped into her computer, no doubt checking Google translate to ensure she had the correct English word.

“Goot” ..she ventured
“Yes you have Goat”.

Now unless you live inside a Charles Dickens novel you don’t expect to get afflicted with Gout. It was Saturday morning. I had woken at 3am with a painful foot & by 7am could barely walk. The pain had gone off the scale.

Afterwards I Googled around & found that Gout is a sudden inflammation of a joint (usually toe). It is directly caused by high acid levels in the blood due to bad diet. Too much red meat, seafood & beer. Not enough healthy boring stuff. The high acidic levels cause crystal type things to form in the joint. A bit like kidney stones. However the doctor was not 100% sure it was Goat as my toes were fine. A blood test would be needed. But today was Saturday & the lab was not open until Monday. 

In the mean time I got a prescription for industrial strength pain killers, industrial strength deep heat and some little red pills – If you start vomiting & have diarrhoea stop taking the red pills immediately the Doctor said. Now go home rest & put your feet up.

Problem was we had a tramping weekend planned. The GF & I were meeting a small group of people in the mountains. What should we do? the GF asked. “Lets go” I said after popping a happy pill. First we stopped off to buy a pair of crutches then we were on our way.

The walking group deposited me in a tavern with an outside deck over looking the mountains. Breath taking scenery. I settled down with my Kindle, foot up and waitress on call.

The walking group returned many hours later having got lost, gone off path and as a result got bitten by Ticks. They even bought a few hitch hiking Ticks back with them Now Ticks will give you Lyme disease which is far worse than Goat. So I may have just dogged a bullet

By Saturday afternoon the pain was receding & I was down to only using one crutch. By Saturday evening the pain level had shot up as the GF was giving me an ear full. She was highly annoyed by her Ticks & the fact I had spent the whole day drinking Gout inducing beer despite the doctors orders. I had to take another happy pill to block her out.

Sunday saw me back on the tavern deck while the trampers went off on another Tick Safari. By early afternoon the diarrhoea arrived (which the doctor had warned me about)

Now the little red pills are the extract of a plant Colchicum which has been used in the treatment of swelling since at least 1500 BC in Egypt. It has one small side effect in that it is extremely toxic and can lead to issues such as kidney damage, multiple organ failure, seizures, delirium and death. (but at least I didn’t have Ticks). Diarrhoea is the early warning sign that you have exceeded your quota.

On Monday morning I got my blood test only to find that the doctor had gone on holiday for two months (yes that is a 2, because this is Europe). So while I am now walking fine, I do not know what farm yard disease I had.

On the plus side, I still have about 3 weeks supply of happy pills. I am saving these for the occasions that the GF kicks off about something trivial. I now have a way of blocking her out.

On the down side, I did have a couple of weeks prescription for the Colchicum tablets. I know they were around here somewhere. I suspect that the GF has taken them. They may eventually be ground up & put in my dinner….and no happy pill can fix that.


– LabTested

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