Guest Post – “Insult”, “Outrage” as Calls Erupt to Refuse US Ambassador’s Credentials

Jesus O’Nazareth in an artist’s depiction of the infamous “Temple Incident”

The man heavily tipped as President Trump’s choice for New Zealand ambassador, former Judean itinerant teacher Jesus O’Nazareth, was scalded and slandered across the country by all prominent, less-than-prominent, and even the very-little-more-than-meaningless, anti-US grand-dudgeons possessing a shoulder-chip, access to wifi and a twitter handle on Sunday.

When approached by our twelve-year-old, trained and skilled, journalist, a founding-member of the Islamic Women’s Council of NZ (Halal-o-tea-roa) claimed Trump’s choice would be insulting Muslims in this country, especially Muslim women, and she would be texting ‘outrage’ about the pending appointment amongst her easily-offended online cohort as soon as her husband granted access to her smartphone again. Her irritation was ignited after hearing of O’Nazareth’s ignominious and hugely inappropriate display of public nudity; when confronted with the much-touted rumour that Jesus had actually been nailed up outdoors against his express wishes, and was offered very little in the way of choices for clothing, our informant (who wished to remain bigamous) claimed it had been a publicity stunt on the part of O’Nazareth.  

Labour Party spoke-outs also condemned the move citing O’Nazareth’s sometimes-controversial stances, complaining he had once organised a team of scabs, on a public holiday, to work the fields of a so-called ‘desperate’, but clearly: Tory, farmer and they further claim that when confronted about his actions Jesus had triggered them saying, allegedly, “Unions are made for workers; not workers for the Union” which so distressed the gathered that several shop-stewards fainted. They would remain opposed to o’Nazareth, but were not implacable, saying they could see themselves supporting Jesus if O’Nazareth made a commitment to supporting the Labour Party’s initiative for embattled Gaza; the ‘Rockets in Schools’ program which had secretly been endorsed by their ruling commissariat at the Teacher’s Union HQ.

Intelligence experts slammed the nominee also as both unsuitable and unstable due to the notorious incident when violence erupted after O’Nazareth made derogatory statements about the ethics of officials responsible for setting the exchange rate at the Inner-Temple; Jesus had condemned the men, saying they were ripping-off pious pilgrims, when the bureaucrats replied ‘they were there to make money; not friends’ O’Nazareth exploded in anger, overturning a table, while one of his followers thrust a weapon of missed-destruction at the head of one of the security personnel present which, luckily, did not penetrate the man’s skull but permanently dismounted the gentleman’s aural receptor. The spooks said O’Nazareth’s elevation to the eminently desirable post of USA-NZ Relations Manager would be seen as an insult to all aurally-impaired.

Putting the final nail in O’Nazareth’s chances, it seems, is the Aotearoa Poverty Grievance Club’s (APGC) LBGQT non-gender-spokesbody who declared Jesus a patriarchal piece of rectally-ejected bio-hazard that would never be accepted by their empathisers due to his insidious statement on the occasion of the entirely disreputable dinner-party fracas. Despite agreeing that O’Nazareth had indeed been deeply insulted by the party’s host who, having removed the very necessary foot-wash option for his guest on arrival left Jesus no choice but to join the merry-makers at meal time noisomely odorous and sufficiently stink-foot as to dampen all guest’s enthusiasm for hummus, concurred with APGC’s witnesses at the party providing security, crotch tattoos and ambience, saying they were of the view that Jesus should never have accepted the offer of the woman (clearly a planted neo-liberal slut since she was possessed of not just physical, but also financial, charms) that leapt forth, cracked open a bottle of supremely expensive, beautiful, perfume, applied the contents to the soles of the evil-Trump nominee’s feet and proceeded to scrape the dust and detritus, along with the sheep and goat-dags, from Jesus’ feet with her beautiful hair. APGC’s witnesses, appalled by the health-and-safety breaches inherent in the action, booed and hissed at the woman’s performance, one even (honestly) stating “the cost of the wasted perfume could have bought an ex-State house for one of their members, large enough to house her five children and their three transient fathers (when passing through), as well as supplying a kitchen copious enough for cooking both spaghetti-on-toast and meth simultaneously!”, when exhausted, tired of the cacophonous harangue to end the woes of the worse-off, to make amends for the unamendable, O’Nazareth lost his composure and uttered the unutterable; the undiplomatic, but completely logical and prophetic statement: “The poor will always be among you”.

That’s when the riot started, and Jesus’ chances of Ambassadorship to New Zealand ended.

 

-via email

 


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