If Whaleoil did to Hager what Hager did to Whaleoil

I was just minding my business walking along the beach when a chap calling himself CookedFish handed me a thumb drive. It contained “leaked” information from a hack he had done on the extreme left, controversial, trust fund baby and Marxist writer Sticky Nicky Hager.

I had heard about the hack through political circles and since I was already (conveniently) writing a book on the topic of Marxist writers who are Trust fund babies who are controversial, I had put some feelers out hoping to make contact with the mysterious figure known only as CookedFish.

Trying to hide my excitement I rushed¬†home and slowly made my way through eight years worth of alt-left Hager’s personal and private communications. It was shocking stuff.

He was communicating with powerful people and sharing chapter ideas and discussing the best way to release his new book so that it would make the biggest political impact and sell the most books and make him the best return on his investment. It was Dirty Journalism and it made me feel ill. Thank goodness we on the right do not prostitute literature like that for personal gain. Literature is art and art should be admired not haggled over like a cheap magazine. My motivation for writing a book about Hager is ideologically pure. When my literary agent asked me how much I wanted I said that six figures will be just fine and said no more about it. We on the right are selfless like that.

Many of these individuals Nicky was communicating with were supportive of his writing which was shocking. They said things like ” Well done Nicky,” ” Mate it is a ripper of a tale” and ” I can’t believe¬†you wrote such a great book without using stolen information.” Many of these individuals were political journalists who should have known better but some of them were total [redacted] that I don’t like so I will be naming and shaming them in my book because I don’t like them and well… they are [redacted].

After countless nights combing through chats with his family and friends, I finally hit the motherload during year three where I found a facebook chat between him and a mysterious person known only as Sashimi.

Sashimi was clearly involved in something dodgy as he admitted in the chat that he had a secret “package” for Hager from a ” mutual friend.” Given that Nicky Hager is a writer and he was writing a book at that time I have concluded that it is likely that the mutual friend was probably Martyn Bradbury who may have had information that he might have wanted to pass on to Hager through the mysterious and perhaps dodgy Sashimi.

More concerning to me than the mysterious package was Nicky’s use of the words ” chop chop” which we all know refers to having someone killed. Who was Nicky referring to and why did they need to be assassinated? The exchange between the two men takes a sinister turn when they start discussing women. Shockingly Hager calls women”brutal… bitches” and Sashimi in turn, talks about his hate for women, kicking genitals and ripping out bodily organs. I have devoted an entire chapter to this in my book with the title, Why is Hager a misogynist?

fictional facebook chat ” leaked” to Spanishbride by the mysterious hacker CookedFish

 


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