Mirror, mirror next to the extractors, how can I rid me of all the detractors?


Guest post

Somewhere far, far away in a distant, unknown wing of Parliament, an elegant rest room provides some relief from all the work pressure. Taking the briefest of moments to gaze admirably in the mirror, Mr A. Little washes his hands, satisfied with the morning’s contribution to Parliament… when suddenly, the ornate mirror in front of him starts to shimmer and ripple before leaving an enticing, message on its surface.

Naturally shocked by this unexpected encounter, Mr Little eventually finds the courage to recite the message…

“Mirror, mirror next to the extractors, how can I rid me of all the detractors?”

No sooner had he finished reciting the magic message, than the mirror started talking, showing fascinating images and glimpses of what could only be the future!

“Hello Mr. Little, what lovely words you’ve spoken, but I’m really not a friggin’ miracle worker you know. I’m only a magic mirror that can show glimpses of the future and offer wisdom.”

“Yeah good one magic mirror. Don’t you know who I am? I’ve got an Election to win. It’s our turn!”

“Well, as I say, I’m not a friggin’ miracle worker. Perhaps instead, would you like the Instruction Manual for Men on Understanding Women?”  

“Yeah, another good one Magic Mirror. Seriously though, what can I do about all the detractors?”

“Well, for a start, you need to be more decisive and follow through on your promises. Just because you got yourself a new Willie for the Party, doesn’t mean you can show off during air time by pulling him out, trying to insert your love of Willie all over everyone and the List. You’ve rubbed a lot of your people up the wrong way by getting your new play-toy Willie out, making a complete public mess in the process. This omni-cluster shambles of an announcement is now trending on social media as “Willie’s b’Littling”.  You would not have needed to patronise and placate him via some boondoggle with a flashy job title had you just stuck to your promise of a high list placing. In fact Mr Little, you really could show more of the “mongrel” and less of the “cute puppy” routine with both your colleagues and your interviews. Play to your strengths.”

“Well thanks Magic Mirror for noticing I have a strength. Your advice will surely come in handy. So will I win?”

“Well, I’m not a friggin’ miracle worker I keep saying. And since you don’t seem to want the instruction manual, I will offer you some strategic electioneering policy advice instead…

As the Nats have come out saying they’re the government of building infrastructure…. here is your best chance of getting some votes… take them from Hone’s followers. They’ve never even seen an “infrastructure” before – so promise to build roads, hospitals and schools up North instead. But have I got the Wonky Willie Golden ticket for you?! The really big news, the real big-gun policy is that you’re going to build a bridge… a very big bridge, all the way to Australia… and that you’re going to have the Australian’s pay for it. You’re going to “Make Australia Close Again!”

“Strewth Magic Mirror, won’t that be just like the proverbial saying “a bridge too far?” Surely, there’s something easier to do?”

Without hesitation, the Magic Mirror replied, “Well, you could always release fully-costed, workable policies for all of NZ. Problem solved. We won’t need to talk further. Have a nice life. Job done. Or perhaps you could consider some policies that don’t punish business owners and tax payers with yet more taxes. Maybe even develop an employment policy that focus on the future, instead of a misplaced yearning for a 70’s employment framework that the Employment Contracts Act needed to fix.”

“You’re really on fire today Magic Mirror” replied Mr Little, “but I think you’re being totally unreasonable with all this talk of workable policies…How many lanes would this bridge have to have?”

“It seems you lack imagination Mr Little” the Mirror cooed in supportive, encouraging tones before carrying on. “In fact, you could even steal some thunder from the Greens by announcing that this project will be entirely solar powered, thanks to the large Aussie deserts. So much more importantly though, this will be much, much more than just a bridge. This stunning project will create an entirely new International country halfway between NZ and Australia, complete with its own airport, shopping & business districts, golf courses… and maybe even its own Ikea store.”

Mr Little was somewhat stunned by the shear ambition of such a project! Never before had he dreamed of so many unionised construction fees and levies… and all that “training” the unions would be able to offer to the sector for decades to come. In a momentary flash of realisation, Mr Little could see the end to the donation woes the Labour Party had had for the last decade or so. He would be the front man for such an ambitious project. The Aussie unions would hail him the great Messiah – he might even be the President of this new country he would call “New Little Kiwirooland”   

“The technology exists, it’s just a matter of political will and those with the courage to conceive of such a “game changer” reassured the Magic Mirror. “It’s time to think courageously, to think big, to dream big, to do big. It’s time to Make Australia Close Again!”

In all his years of encouraging people to stop their paid work to go and protest something about something whilst being unpaid to do so – still paying hefty weekly union dues mind you – none of it could prepare Mr Little for the shear brilliance and clarity of thought that he’d just encountered in the Gender-neutral/ Gender-fluid/ Multiple Personality/Anything goes toilet safe space.

The advice that any detractors should just “Build a bridge” plays so nicely to the new bumper sticker policy he’s just imagineered. But the utter brilliance is in having the Australian’s pay for it. Never before had NZ had a leader charismatic enough to propose such “Think Big” projects and Mr. Little could immediately see the enormous political capital he could take to the election bank with such a project.

So self-absorbed was he following this extraordinary encounter, that Mr Little only realised he had exited the bathroom as he found himself back at his office desk, glowing with pride, eager and ready to “Make Australia Close Again.”    


– blokeintakapuna

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