The story of Jacindarella – Part Three

Comments about Jacinda Ardern’s looks are frustrating and bring on questions about her ‘political credibility’. Photo / Brett Phibbs via NZ Herald

Guest post

Work had been a blur for Jacindarella she was so distracted from her encounter with the Magic Mirror. She could hardly wait until she could get back to recite those magic words to the mirror again.

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

“This image I’m showing you now Jacindarella, is one of two statues allegedly commissioned by the Nations treasure, Sir Bob Jones. This one is of Gareth holding the same cage full of cats, sporting a Kim Jong Un haircut, with a longing expression for a private beach he can buy on TradeMe. The Gareth statue was placed in a public square, donated as a Toanga Koha work of public art according to the plaque, allegedly by some Maori artist – Bobori Jonesratana – no one’s even heard of. Now the Council are too scared to remove or move it, least it triggers Treaty claims as it’s on public property. Moreover, in a rather delicate and unfortunate turn of events, it was placed right outside a North Korean restaurant of all places and now it’s causing quite a bit of a fuss… but nowhere near as much fuss as the other statue Sir Bob allegedly commissioned…

See… here’s Sir Bob now at the unveiling ceremony saying he hasn’t had as much fun since he taught a reporter about mixing fishing with boxing practise.

“What’s his other statue Magic Mirror, I don’t see it yet?” Jacindarella asks in breathless awe of the images.

And with that, the Magic Mirror once again shimmers briefly before showing an image of another statue of a man appearing to shatter what looks like smothering shackles of bureaucracy, finally freeing himself and heroically liberating the entire country in the process, fixing work places everywhere with thanks to the Employment Contracts Act.  

As the image becomes clearer, Jacindarella excitedly exclaims, “Hey, that’s Fraser House! That’s our Election Bunker! …and that’s… that’s… that’s Sir Roger Douglas in the statue right outside the front door! It looks like he’s only waving with only one finger though”…

As Jacindarella watches, the image refocuses on the statues plaque…

“To the Labour Party.

Thanks very much for Rogernomics, for saving NZ.

Love you long time.

Bob Jones.”

“Well I can certainly see how that would really upset my Comrades” exclaimed Jacinderella. “It needs to be removed immediately!” she exclaimed in perfectly practised, overly-faux moral outrage tones.

“Oh, it’s not so much the statue placement or the wording alone that really rankles your Comrades Jacindarella, or that it even happened, without any consultation to the Party.” replied the Magic Mirror. “It’s everything that has happened since the statue just sprung up one night.

The statue now can’t be moved for months and months. A few old bones have been found around the statue, just as someone trolled the MSM and Labour by releasing another Labour Party Press Release fake news, claiming the bones to potentially be that of ancient Maori Warrior origin, probably on an ancient burial site, that Labour insists needs urgent investigating by the Council & Iwi.

Within an hour of the fake news Press Release going out, everything within a 10m radius of the statue and bones was considered Tapu, police taped off large areas restricting access, with media scrums, specialist experts, fire and road repair crews and cameras mingling everywhere. The statue and bones can’t be disturbed until the archaeologists, Council and Iwi have conducted their rapid, 6 month investigation.

The real bone of contention though, is that no one now can use the front door of Fraser House, or the staff carpark and all because of Roger and his wave being within 10m of the entrances. Worst still, because it’s all on Labour Party property, the Labour Party have to pay for the archaeologists, Council investigations and Iwi consultation while the site is Tapu, until it’s fully remediated. Your Finance people are so annoyed at these unforeseen costs in an Election year, they’ve had to place orders for more tea towels to be printed. Quite how they’ll existing stocks is even a mystery to me… and I can see the future!

Word on the street though is that the bones are fake, as an empty KFC box was also found nearby. Regional & Local Council’s agree with Iwi, OSH, MPI, IRD, Police, Fire, Civil Defence, NZTA, NZ Post, the Coroner, archaeologists, the neighbours and the SPCA, that forensic checks should be completed anyway just to be certain. So with all the fuss and disruption, it’s no wonder your colleagues really don’t enjoy having to park elsewhere and use the back entrance whilst Sir Roger waves at them from out the front. Even Race Relations have wadded in, issuing an advisory to all media requesting they don’t film so much of the KFC box in the gutter, least it be racist to McDonalds and the Chinese takeaway community.

Then to really add salt to Labour Party wounds, all the media are now reporting and continuously replaying sound bites of when they tried to contact Sir Bob for comment and information on and about the statue. The only reply they got back was loud belly aching laughing down the phone, before being hung up on.

And now your Comrades are wondering how the perception from all of this looks to the voters. Your Comrades can barely access the bunker while an entire bureaucratic & media circus loiters right on the Labour Party’s office front door for months on end as media and the public laugh and laugh, then hang up the phone. It’s now become a “thing” with people doing live Facebook streams of themselves answering a phone, saying “media / Labour Party eh” then belly laughing for half a minute, before hanging up on the caller and laughing more. It’s a trend going viral and could even be bigger than Gangnam Style parody memes.

With all these people milling about, it looks more like a Labour Party & union protest, only organised… or filming for a Village People “YMCA” video remake – and will likely go on for months and months, blocking traffic in both directions. Horribly, horribly inconvenient timing too. Your transport spokesperson was about to give a speech on the Fraser House doorstep about Labour’s solution to easing vehicle and pedestrian traffic congestion in the local area. The media couldn’t quite hear him though over the noise of the jackhammers breaking up the road and footpath. So the opportunity to clearly get that message out has probably been lost.”

“Strewth Magic Mirror, I really hope that wasn’t all the “nice” stuff you’ve showed me? I really do have to get back to work right now though before I’m missed, but I hope you’re still here a little later to show me more?”…

– blokeintakapuna


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