Mirror, Mirror …See me! Measure me!

Guest post

“Mirror, Mirror …See me! Measure me!

After weeks of fruitless searching, Mr. Little almost pranced Gangnam Style with excitement the last few paces it took him to reach the door of the bathroom that held the Magic Mirror. It had been weeks of hopeful anticipation since he last found this bathroom and had his last audience… Oh how he needed the mirror’s wisdoms once again, hoping to find a message he could recite…

“Mirror, Mirror …See me! Measure me!

Come September, will I own the Treasury?”

The beautifully ornate Magic Mirror shimmered briefly before speaking… “Why hello again Mr. Little. I must say, what very ambitious, yet utterly forlorn words you’ve spoken. I’m really not a friggin’ miracle worker you know. I’m only a magic mirror that can show glimpses of the future and offer wisdoms. Besides, I’m all out of miracles the size you’d need. Perhaps instead though, would you like the Instruction Manual for Men on how to understand Women?”  

*The sound of crickets*

The mirror went on intoning, as if his feelings didn’t matter at all… “Mr. Little, that budget you’ve just given a Laboured still birth to? …It was a set-up. A leadership ankle tap. It’s like Grant slipped those same snapper’s he gave to Shearer to use in Parliament, into your jacket pockets just before you delivered Labour’s Budget to the media. He’s fully stitched you and your faction right up. All done standing right beside you too. The cheek of it!” The mirror showing Mr. Little glimpses of TV interviews, before going on… “How he manages to keep a straight face…

Oh the shame of having to deliver such an Omni-cluster shambles Budget, especially after another 3 full years of lead time so you lot could get it right this time …delivered in front of live media no less! All whilst trying to speak with gravitas as if Labour was a credible alternative… And now you have to be seen in public. Talk about Murphy’s Law!”

“Well Mr. Mirror…”

“Don’t assume my gender Mr. Little… You should know better. Please reflect on that.”

“Well then Mirror; we feel it’s our turn at Government now. It’s been long enough …and although our Budget might not be perfect, going forward at this time, it was the best we could do for New Zealanders, Kiwi’s like all of us. Grant worked on it for ages you know. Besides, it all stacks up and it works when you just need to borrow a bit more money. The tax payers always keep paying it back anyway, so it’s not a real issue. It just looks a bit inconvenient in the short term… Our media and PR friends will massage the message to the masses…My deputy leader is already doing more photo shoots with the woman’s magazines.”

“Mr. Little, not to put a too finer point on it, but… with polling metrics as dismal as yours right now, have you considered just why your leadership is not being rolled before the election? Why no one wants the hospital pass to the career? You should reflect on that…”

“Hey Mirror, I didn’t come in here to be harassed… I could spend time with my caucus if I wanted that… I was hoping for better news…”

“Yeah well, I hope for World peace and to be well hung in the bathroom of a wealthy King’s harem, instead of in the infirmary at the old folk’s home. We all have our own forlorn hopes, so suck it up princess.

I do have some bad news for you though and I also have that measure you asked for… And with the measure, you’ve come up short. Really short. So short on favourable metrics for you – and now the entire Party – no one wants to challenge you for leadership until after the Election. Obviously then, an entirely new leadership team can rebuild, in the hope that one day Labour might once again be able to eventually challenge Winston for being the real leader of the opposition.

So until then, you have some job security for a few more months yet, but update your CV. Cunliffe knows how to write a good CV. He’s very good at creative writing – you two Comrades should get chatting… You’ve still got about another two more month’s salary on this pay scale though. That’s the good news.”

“Strewth Comrade!” Mr. Little exclaimed in righteous indignation… “Don’t hold back now. Geez! Well… we have our own internal polling that I’m comfortable with, saying we can and will change the government, with some help from our comrades the Greens and our helpful media friends as our close support partners…”

“Well Mr. Little, you might call it good news I guess… the shambles of a Budget did manage to drown out Labour’s other current Omni-cluster shambles with your attempt at swindling everyone in New Zealand by bringing in unpaid slaves, mistreating them and attempting to influence the Election with those foreign nationals… and all done in the course of demonstrating to New Zealander’s why yourselves should be elected to represent and lead the country and all New Zealander’s.

And then, just when you think Murphy couldn’t make anything worse for you and Labour… your Election dance partner, Metiria, over-trumps all of Labour’s current Omni-clusters for the media spotlight with her very own, self-admitted fraud and embezzlement of all New Zealander’s! …over two decades of cover-up no less!

Her lack of Self-awareness about her entitlement attitude and fraud behaviours and 20 year cover-up only demonstrates exactly why she was never suitable to represent New Zealander’s in Parliament in the first place. She’s so politically tainted now, she’s just effectively blocking career development within the Greens, blocking and frustrating future Green talent and leadership as she just collects the pay rate of Co-Leader for as long as possible…

It’s like she’s snaffled those snapper from your jacket and heartedly stuffed them into the pockets of those ghastly designer jackets she struts around in. So at least the media heat is off you and Labour for now, at least until the next time. It’s a fine mess you’ve got yourself into Mr. Little with Labour’s and the Green’s MOU handbrake anchor you’re forced to do the election Tango with. It’s like you both only have Left feet! All the voters know, if you vote on the Left, you get a 2 for 1 deal and get both Labour & the Greens… and most Kiwi’s won’t vote for a fraudster whose greedy selfishness has denied more worthy people of needed assistance. It’s not a good look at all. Expect the media to start asking questions like what did you know about her fraud and when? Surely your solid MOU had a “No surprises” clause? Those are the kind of questions you’ll get from journalists once her Court case starts…

On the bright side… maybe this sorry saga means Labour can steal a few dozen votes back off the Greens… that’s about your best hope this has for you and Labour’s election build-up efforts.”

And just like that! Like with a TV in a power cut, the mirror shimmered briefly before making a loud sound of water gurgling noisily down a long drainpipe, as the mirror surface went blank.

Mr. Little suspected he’d been treated with a bit of disrespect having been completely and instantly dismissed like that, wondering just how bad really, the bad news was this mirror talked of? He guessed he’d just have to wait to see what his internal polling reflected…


– blokeintakapuna

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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.

To read Cam’s previous articles click on his name in blue.