Jacindarella: Mirror mirror…

Guest post

It had been quite the whirlwind week for Jacinda – and now suddenly, from out of nowhere, the bathroom with the Magic Mirror appeared right there in front of her… like it was inviting her inside to receive some more wisdom once again. Hurrying, in the hope she was right, Jacinda could hardly believe her good luck at finding a message that she breathlessly recited…

“Mirror Mirror, I’m anointed leader now for all eternity,

So why the grilling about my maternity?”

Shimmering briefly before speaking, the Magic Mirror said in an almost exasperated tone… “Why hello again Jacinda. I can tell you why you’re being asked perfectly reasonable questions about your future breeding – because you brought it up and mentioned it first – and the voters deserve to know. It’s only fair. You’re putting yourself up for public office, asking for a promotion …and a pay rise from the voting tax payers, so of course it’s only fair the voters know your intentions about being on the job. No one wants to fund another snout latched on at a bigger, deeper, tax payer funded trough, only to have you disappear on lifestyle leave for months and months, whilst you’re still supping from the trough. The voters don’t like being swindled, then given the “bait and switch” that they also have to fund, whilst you’re off gallivanting all over the cafés having mum & bub’s coffee groups on the tax payers.”

Before Jacinda could work up a full head of faux, indignant outrage with her reply, the Mirror – who could see it all coming – cut her off sharply before it even began… “Just zip it sweetie! This selective faux moral outrage you’re trying to muster at perfectly acceptable and reasonable questions from taxpayers is about as credible as your “youth adjacent” comment. You’re asking them to pay you more money, so of course they have a right to know. It’s in the public interest. Besides, it’s not like you were asked if you still pee in the shower, or if you shoot kittens in your backyard with a shot gun.”

Jacinda was bristling now, about to unleash all the omni-cluster frustrations built up from years of male misogyny she had been forced to endure for the sake of her career within Labour. Misogyny so bad, a “man-ban” rule had to be created to help the Labour Party try to overcome the infestation. Ironically now, even though the man ban first elevated Jacinda onto the “turtle-post” deputy role, it still couldn’t eliminate all those years of daily misogyny and frustration Labour’s man ban was failing to correct. Channelling all that frustration into one brief moment, before delivering blunt words on this impertinent mirror, taking a deep breath before unleashing… Jacinda was once again cut-off sharply by the Magic Mirror before she could even start… ”Just zip it sweetie. Cut the crap! The only female in politics that is “Youth Adjacent” is the French President’s wife. You’re old enough to be a nana… a grandma… and perhaps the silliest person in New Zealand so close to forty to attempt to claim anything about her middle age being adjacent with “youth.” The reality is, you’re just not as much middle aged as the others that are middle aged. So don’t kid yourself about it… and especially never again on live TV. You’re old enough to know better. Perceptions matter.”

Jacinda was stunned into silence at such honest feedback. The sound of crickets were loud in her ears. The mirror had more wisdoms for her and continued giving…

“Jacinda, speaking of silly… the handbrake anchor Greens have now given you and Labour a golden opportunity to finally ditch them. You won’t need to wait now until after the election, or having to endure a campaign piggy-backing Metiria’s political corpse of a career everywhere. That’s not an appealing look to the voters one bit I can tell ya! …Such a hefty load would totally munt your political knees after only just one husting! And you’re so going to need your knees… to bend them for Winston First. So divorce the Greens pronto, publicly and with disdain and try to salvage Labour some face. Then invite Great Uncle Winnie over for a decent Scotch and a natter, since it’s been such a fine week. Maybe you might even be lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time to rescue Labour from political implosion and oblivion.  Insist that the Greens also censure and expel the self-admitted fraudster for her “lack of contrition and inconvenient judgements.” The house wives in the leafy suburbs where Cunliffe lives will love that.

This plan is all up-side for you and your Labour comrades, so listen carefully… First thing tomorrow morning call a Full Press Conference for 6pm about a “significant development”. Don’t give any clues about the details, as that will only ensure another day of mystery and intrigue surrounding “Jacindamania” and you’ll dominate the news… like with how Milo Yiannopoulos would dominate Gower & Dann if he had them in gimp suits. The Press will be in an absolute frothing frenzy by 6pm. All the media will be eating out of the palms of your hands by then.

Then, at 6pm, taking a MoU sign with you, make a dramatic display of slowly tearing up the sign in front of the TV cameras (and don’t forget to smile pretty for them also – just like if you were still the deputy.) The polls will show that immediately, thousands and thousands of voters will switch back to Labour from the Greens and tens of dozens will switch back from off Winston First also. You’ll kill off your two biggest external threats and start a rarely known phenomenon within Labour, as that of being almost effective. Something Labour has sorely, sorely missed for election cycle after election cycle after election cycle.”

Still stunned, the sounds of crickets only got louder for Jacinda as she tried to absorb all this wisdom in one attempt. Sensing her struggle, the mirror went on, only a bit slower this time…

“Here’s what you say as you slowly tear up the MoU sign…”Labour… and myself as leader, are unable to tolerate, abide or aid in the sheltering or encouragement of wilful, cynical, on-going, deliberate fraud and hypocritical deceit – especially against all of the peoples in all of Aotearoa, deliberately committed over decades. This shows that the Greens and their leadership team seem happy to not be paying their fair share like everyone else has to. As the Greens in their wonky wisdom seem to condone and even encourage such behaviours, here in the Labour Party, we have zero options but to formally announce the immediate parting of our MoU and our political divorce.

I’m reliably informed, Labour and myself as leader, have standards. They might be “altitude-challenged adjacent” standards, but they’re higher than those wonky standards the Greens display. So that’s why we’re divorcing – effective immediately. Although, we’re still sleeping in the same political bed together, as we still want to change the government. Speaking of which, we’re hoping to announce two new List MP’s soon also, but more details on that later. Today; I wish to reassure all New Zealanders that Labour has a standard… and it’s not just a little-read, bile venting blog in a dusty corner of the internet.

Today; I have a dream … a dream where on one day, the day of September 24th, my fellow youth voters and every other voter, can vote on the calibre of their preferred Party, not just on the ideology of the Party who wants to “stick it to Waitakere Man” with the most taxes.

Here’s a shout-out to my fellow youths to get out and vote come September 24th …and please …vote for Labour. Let’s do this.

Good Evening New Zealand.”

Then; without another word, or accepting questions, turn and quickly walk out on the Press, leaving them gagging and drooling for more info… and more of that Brand Jacinda. You’ll dominate the entire news with re-run after re-run… ensuring another full day of the media only talking about you and how bold you are Jacinda. You’ll be NZ’s female version of Trump every night on the telly…. A “Trumpalina” if you will, you’ll get such a bounce in the polls.”

Then the mirror shimmered blank again.

Jacinda was even more shocked at the audacity of such a prospect… Announcing an immediate political divorce from such lifelong comrades and cohorts. It would seem impossible that Labour could dare hope and dream getting back hundreds and hundreds of voters. But these were extraordinary times, calling for extraordinary measures…

As the mirror shimmered blank again, Jacinda wondered, could she muster the courage to actually be a true leader on matters of morals, honesty and ethics with her political bed buddies, or would her political knees munt out before she has to retire?


– blokeintakapuna

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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.