Miss Stardust

Guest post

It had been quite the whirlwind month or so for Taxarella since her talent outpaced all other contenders for Party leadership. And now, suddenly, from out of nowhere, the bathroom with the Magic Mirror appeared right there in front of her once again – like it was inviting her inside to receive some more wisdom. Hurrying, in the hope she was right, Taxarella could hardly believe her good luck at finding another message on the mirror’s surface for her to recite…

“Mirror Mirror on my ceiling, Looks like I’m losing that Election win feeling?”

Shimmering briefly before speaking, the Magic Mirror spoke to her “Why hello again Miss Trumpalina, what lovely words you’ve spoken… Or should I be calling you Miss Flip Flop now? And you most certainly are losing that loving feeling with all the voters’ sweetie. You might be like Trump also in some ways as others have already said, but the big bounces you will get in the polls, will be like you’re on an Election trampoline, dancing up and down, all over each poll. Besides, I’m only a Magic Mirror, I’m not a friggin’ miracle worker you know, so of course you’re losing that winning feeling… I can only offer you wisdoms and glimpses of the future. Or, I could offer you a powerful book called “The instruction manual for men on how to understand women?” But before you answer… pray tell, why the long face Oh Miss Stardust?”  

Checking her hair and lippy… checking for any signs of “youth anti-adjacentness” in her middle age, she replied, “Oh Magic Mirror I was hoping for much better news than the head-on collision with a wall poll my election vehicle just drove full speed into! I could only hold my bluff for so long… the wheels got wobbly real quick…now it seems everyone is asking for details on our taxes, especially my Captain’s call ones. I can’t just leave it to Comrade Grant to answer all the hard questions all the time. …So anyway, can you by any chance make my Comrades and I Prime Minister please Magic Mirror? Grant and Andrew, H1 & H2, Phil, and Metiria and I would be the most grateful and the most pleased out of all my Comrades…and we all would be so grateful… Thanks… if you can. And if you can do that, in return, my comrades and I would ensure you get a proper good polishing everyday… We have “International Volunteers” for that, and of course we would also ensure you would be well hung …and often… wherever, however you please?… And… er… No thanks on the book. But thanks for the offer anyway. Only the PM job for me please.”

The mirror’s spell would only be broken when someone finally accepted the offer of the instruction manual… Now, with Taxinda’s rejection of the book offer, the Magic Mirror had hurt feelings and knew just how that Nigerian multi Billionaire philanthropist must feel trying to give away some of his fortune. The guy’s been reaching out via email for years, but no one even replies…

“I told you already Taxarella, I’m only a Magic Mirror. I’m not a friggin’ miracle worker you know… I can only offer you wisdoms and glimpses of the future. So here’s a wisdom for you Miss Taxarella Stardust… so zip it sweetie and listen up. “Your policies on your taxes… You’ve got more flip flops than an Australian jandal maker’s warehouse. Voters don’t like that and it will show in the polls once you announce it in a couple of days. Such a “Hail Mary” only shows and demonstrates you don’t have a frigging clue about tax and how an economy works do you? You’ve just set off a credibility hand grenade amidst all your policies – not just the economic ones – all of them. They’re all inter-related. Inter-related just as much as Labour and the Greens are inter-related. And this close to the Election too… And now, in a few days time, it’s Grant and Steve with their Live debate on the entertainment channel “Get Stuffed.” Here, let me show you” said the mirror as it showed Taxarella the debate a week before it even happened.

The sound of crickets was loud in Taxarella’s ears as she checked on her hair and lippy again…reflecting on this conversation… attempting to digest all this wisdom. What a month she was having! Now she was watching a magic mirror TV showing her the Finance debate that was yet to even happen. It was cringe worthy for Taxarella and Labour supporters trying to watch Grant’s performance though, watching helplessly as he vainly attempted to demonstrate Labour being credible with the country’s economy through Labour’s demonstration of effective management.

As Taxarella watched, she could see that Steve completely owns Grant …and on live internet too. The mirror just kept on giving… “It’s like snowflake meets blowtorch. In the great political knife and street fight of best ideas that is live political debates, you Labour people brought a “spork” to the fight.”

Taxarella watched Steve giving Grant constant point scoring prods to the ribs before slow rolling him to deliver sledge after hit after hit. Steve makes Grant look so incompetent it’s almost embarrassing. Steve dominated so much, he made Grant debate like how a kid would argue from the sandpit at a kindergarten… And all on live internet too. Let me tell you something Taxarella, I know Mr. Spock and your Labour Spork is no Mr. Spock. Your economic theories are not logical, Captain’s call.”

The mirror shows her Grant sitting on his hands all night, keeping his head down, knowing all he can do is shout and to try and bluster away the political blows to Labour’s economic credibility and the question now of Labour’s ability to even run a hot bath – even without a committee. Taxarella could clearly see Grant looking for any hole to crawl into… except that is, a $12Billion fiscal-shaped hole.

“Oh Magic Mirror” exclaimed Taxarella Stardust in exasperated frustration. “Our media interviews went so much better with future voters at the Intermediate schools and in places like Radio Red. How can I stop the other reporters from asking difficult questions about things like details on our taxation policies?”

“Well Taxarella, when all else fails, go for the tried and true political manoeuvre of deny everything, deflection and reflection back, obfuscate and distract. Here’s a wisdom for you to try… Borrow an Australian term of endearment from Norma Plummer and call the Australian politicians a “complete bunch of scrubbers” and offer to send Grant and his husband over to help them with their gay marriage debate – so Aussie won’t need to remain almost 5 years behind the times against their better looking cousins here across the pond. You see, the trouble Australia has, besides being full of Australians, is that they have more Neanderthal types than enlightened being types… so they probably could use some help. Throw that out at your next Press conference and you’ll get even more brand recognition… and help the Aussies at the same time. Photo opportunities of Grant looking all Statesmen-like at the airport, boarding a plane to Aussie to help them out will give him some much needed gravitas – and will hopefully win you Labour people some respite from media sunlight on your tax policies… and inability to know what you’re doing.”

The sound of crickets only seemed to get louder for Taxarella as she digested these wisdoms. Then, without another word, the mirror went blank again. She had just enough time to recheck hair and lippy again before going to talk with Grant about a quick trip to Australia. Besides thought Taxarella… injecting the NZ Labour Party into Australian politics could only be a good thing and bring added media profile. What could possibly go wrong?


– blokeintakapuna

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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story. When he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet. Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet and, as a result, he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist who takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t ignore him.