*Confidential transcript*

Guest post

*Confidential transcript*

Strategy & Board Meeting – initiating initiatives for the NZ Labour Party – prepared by “Let’s tax this” consultants – Fleesom, Botchit, Leggit & Scarpa.

(Chairman Fleesom) – “Gentlemen! This meeting is now in session and a huge congratulations are in order …to ourselves with such a fabulous result. Sure, the voters really don’t like their democracy being hijacked, then perverted against their will – but whinge as they might, there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it for 3 years – except whinge to the wilfully deaf media. Our helpful friends in the media know there’s plenty of promised upcoming “community and stakeholder consulting via extensive media engagement from the incoming government” – so our friends in the media are still being very helpful with pushing the Jacindamania effect …And downplaying inconvenient stories of her just being a youth adjacent chicky-babe plaything by our political equivalent of a Parliamentary Heffner.

Oh the political beds they make for themselves eh! Mr. Shaw is still complaining he doesn’t like Winston stuffing him in the same gimp-suit as Metiria – especially since she had a big kai of kina for breakfast… And I could so easily see a McPhail and Gadsby skit with two others – who shall remain completely nameless – being something like Heff and his Playgirl bunny frolicking on a NZ-shaped political bed, laughing at the miffed, impotent voters surrounding the bed. …But probably best we not mention anything like that… not if we still wish to keep our fees rolling in though eh boys!

*Nods of agreement, Rowdy laughter and jovial back slapping*  

When we first started consulting Andrew to always say his polling numbers started with a #3, we all knew it was very stinky bovine excrement, but repeated enough times it was enough to cause some confusion …and it almost stuck, at least with a few voters. When we suggested to Andrew and Labour to play the longer game and to install Trumplina for a bounce in the polls, I remember you three – Botchit, Leggit & Scarpa – wanted to run for the hills… but our strategy worked!

Now the Party are so grateful for our wisdoms and insights, they want us to consult them on how to set up boondoggles committees faster than Phil can try to get his greedy hands on the Billions Labour now gets to spend – spending however they like, on whatever they like. Oh the Motherlode! Election promises be damned! And thanks to the Nats, there’s Billions and Billions surplus to find a home and committee for. Besides… they weren’t really binding election promises anyway… more like “sloppy guidelines” as a starting point for discussions anyway… because, you know, MMP compromises …and pragmatic government etcetera, etcetera…

Gentleman! We’ve hit the fee-zone motherlode!

Congratulations are in order to ourselves! Labour and the media managed to save their very lives through our recommendations, simply by applying some lipstick to the “leadership” That strategy has just earned the consultancy additional fees with us now helping Labour devise many, many “working groups” and sub-committee’s to find places for all the crony’s friends and volunteers that have been pushed out of Taxarella’s political bed, to make way for the silver fox Heff and his entourage.

Grant told us only yesterday, he wants to be able to go on TV and claim Labour are doubling the “community engagement and communication” Labour has with the voters. Because transparency… and everyone knows Labour’s values, blah, blah… So I told him, “We could start immediately and from today would start charging them twice our normal fees, so Labour can then claim they’re already doubling communications with the voters” He thought it was a great idea and wants us to start thinking of various “working groups and committees” before Phil tries to get his greedy mits on it all …and claim Len’s vanity projects as his own. Already he’s talking of “Light rail to the airport” and needing a “petrol tax” and he still wants and needs Billions more…

Phil’s trying as fast as he can to value Auckland houses much higher, so he can squeeze more rate taxes from more Aucklander’s before the Left crash the market. Yes, the ratepayers will squeal even louder… but they can’t do a damn thing about those higher taxes either. They will love their houses being worth more though! It’s just too bad they won’t be able to sell to anyone – but that’s an issue and a fee we can charge for on another day…

…So there’s likely to be a “Ministry of Horse Racing”…

(Mr. Scarpa) “…But didn’t the Greens and Labour spend years and years whinging about problem gambling and Sky City? And now they want to make up a Ministry of Horse Racing?

(Mr. Fleesom) Yes, that is horribly inconvenient, but fortunately the media won’t be interested in that, as they’ll be too busy with all the “community and stakeholder consulting via extensive media engagement from the incoming government” to pay much attention to those inconvenient issues…

So immediately there’s a need to “understand best practice” with horse racing and that will obviously require many committee members on many “discovery trips” to places like Dubai where money is no obstacle to achieving the very best practise. Those committee members will also be able to go to Dubai via London, so they can understand “cultural inclusion” with London’s Muslim Mayor. So that’s almost a 2 for 1 deal there with that month-long discovery forum, that Labour can now positively promote as cost-saving for the tax payer. However – that’s still not going to spend all the Billions Labour can and will spend – so we need to imagineer all manner of other spending priorities for our client.

And as much as I like the suggestion at last night’s pre-meeting and drinking session of hiring a few hookers dressed as “naughty nurses, and naughty teachers”, so we can get some “insights on the Health & Education sectors” I think we’ll need to defer that spending until after the first 100 days spotlight… unless one of you Socialists want to open your own wallet and pay for it yourselves? …Yeah, didn’t think so…

So team, congratulations, but we have lots more work to do. We’re now helping Labour with their claim they’re doubling their community and stakeholder engagement …and our task ahead is to devise and name many a user-friendly “Working groups” and “sub-committees”

So give me some quick ideas please before the meeting ends…”

(Mr. Leggit) “How about we have long-term prisoners oversee the fairness of the judiciary? That would require at least one Labour Party and one Green Party volunteer on every committee and probably at least three supervisor committee members also per prisoner, per committee, per Region.”

(Chairman Fleesom)”You’re getting the idea… keep those ideas rolling in…”

(Mr. Botchit) “We could have Metiria made a Parliamentary Undersecretary in charge of fraud investigations?”

(Mr. Fleesom) “You guys are really getting the hang of it now…”

(Mr. Scarpa) “How about having all the unions represented on the “Productivity Commission” as thought leaders? There would be lots and lots of expense accounts to mismanage administer… Probably lots and lots of trips to Aussie needed also for “knowledge sharing” with the Aussie cousin unions… because no one knows how to administer expense accounts like an Aussie union does…

…Maybe we could somehow even have Labour rename rainfall by another name so they can appropriate it all, then TAX IT! Without owning it or accepting any liability for any damage rainfall causes…”

(Chairman Fleesom) “You guys are doing yourselves proud. The client and the wider political Left will love these initial concepts and ideas. Let’s keep working on them and reconvene next week…

 

– blokeintakapuna


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As much at home writing editorials as being the subject of them, Cam has won awards, including the Canon Media Award for his work on the Len Brown/Bevan Chuang story.  And when he’s not creating the news, he tends to be in it, with protagonists using the courts, media and social media to deliver financial as well as death threats.

They say that news is something that someone, somewhere, wants kept quiet.   Cam Slater doesn’t do quiet, and as a result he is a polarising, controversial but highly effective journalist that takes no prisoners.

He is fearless in his pursuit of a story.

Love him or loathe him.  But you can’t ignore him.

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